The Pedant continues to be pretty solid at helping me through shit.
Yesterday he asked if he could come over later. At first I said no, because The Jock was due to come by. Then The Jock cancelled so I said yes to The Pedant after all. Then a couple of hours later The Pedant called and cancelled and I exploded into a bit of a rant (although I gave the disclaimer at the beginning that I wasn’t mad at him per se, just frustrated with my brain). See, all day long I’d been thinking there were things I needed to get done because I had company coming. And now I didn’t have company coming after all. And that sucks.
“It sucks that you had a productive day?” The Pedant said.
“I didn’t, though, that’s my point! I had personal things I wanted to get done and things I felt I should do because guests and I couldn’t decide which thing to do first so I froze up and did absolutely fuck all and now the stores are all closed because it’s Sunday.”
I also told him about the other day, how I went outside but everything was all wonkus and surreal. He said that sounds like what happens when a person is overtired. Oh shit he’s right. I’m backed up on sleep lately and I guess that day it just kinda peaked to the point where everything went all funhouse-mirror on me. I couldn’t recognize the symptoms because I was in them – too delirious to be thinking clearly.
And then The Pedant talked me down, in his nonchalant but perfectly logical way. He reminded me that since the stores had closed, there was no point worrying about those errands; I couldn’t do them anyway. He said I should try to make sleep the focus of my night: do some mindless chores like cleaning the apartment so I’m not on the computer getting all wired from the light of the screen, get in bed by ten, and read until I felt sleepy and hopefully crash out really early. Then I’d have the energy to do all my crap the next day.
He doesn’t grasp the concept that my attention span is too fucked up to read when I’m like this. But aside from that it was an excellent plan that gave me two or three simple priorities: stay off the internet, do some cleaning, go to bed early. That’s what I need in these situations: for someone to reduce things down to a simple Next Step so I stop obsessing on the big picture.
It’s not a foolproof thing. I did still end up on the internet for most of the night and went to bed at 4am. But somewhere in there I managed to deposit a paycheque, sweep my kitchen floor, and wash most of my dishes, and I even fed myself an actual meal that was not a thing of strawberry yogurt. That’s more productive than I’d been in days.
The Pedant has been yelled at by partners for being “too unfeeling” or lacking empathy or whatever, and he obviously has baggage about this. The last time he angsted to me about it, I told him that I want to take my clothes off and roll in his lack of empathy. I’m not sure he’ll ever understand that but it’s true. I don’t need someone to feel my feelings along with me when I’m like this. I need them to stand firmly in not-sad-and-fucked-up-land and throw me a rope so I can find my way there, too.
I mean, he does seem to “get” me, in the sense of knowing what sorts of actions I require in order to be not-sad. And that’s something I need in a partner: the ability to recognize patterns and solve problems, and the desire to help me. He may not understand what my particular brand of sad feels like, but who gives a shit?