Bad brain day today. Showing signs of depression and whatnot; stuck in a rut of fucking around on the internet instead of getting things done that need doing.

I managed to go out for a little bit to the park and then to get groceries. Often, when I’m feeling cranky and low-energy, getting outside and having a nice walk motivates me; I start feeling better, get a spring in my step, and end up walking much further than I’d originally expected to because I’m enjoying myself and feeling pretty good. Other days, my body is just fucked up and walking places never stops feeling like I’m wading through waist-high taffy*. Today was a “taffy” day.

Also, though, I seemed to have completely forgotten how to be out in the world. This happens sometimes. I just…couldn’t seem to perceive things properly? Like I forgot how to pay attention to my peripheral vision so the world was reduced to this little window right in front of my face, with everything around it being dark and blurry. I couldn’t see things until they were practically on top of me, and lights and movement were confusing and chaotic. Shadows moving on the ground made me flinch, thinking that something was flying toward my face. Once it got dark, headlights from cars seemed to explode into my vision out of nowhere and I’d cringe, thinking I was about to be splattered all over the road, but it turned out the car wasn’t that close to me after all. My balance seemed off. I couldn’t make eye contact with passers-by.

It didn’t feel like anxiety per se. It felt like my fucked-up perceptions were making me anxious, not the other way around. But maybe I’m wrong. If I’m correct though and I was genuinely not seeing the world correctly, and it wasn’t due to my anxiety fucking with me, then wtf causes that?


*The Pedant, incidentally, doesn’t understand this and is one of those people who thinks exercise is the remedy for everything. Or maybe he just keeps suggesting exercise to me as an unsubtle hint that he wants me to lose some weight. Either way I wish he’d shut up.

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