“Extreme”?

The Pedant is so baffling. Last time he was here he told me he met someone he might date, except maybe not because she’s sexually submissive and he’s not into that.

I was like “Really? I was under the impression you’ve been toppy with most of the people you’ve ever dated.”

He said yeah, he does get a little toppy, because most women seem to like a bit of aggression. But it’s important to him to have partners who will initiate sex with him, not make him do it all the time, and he feels that women who are full-out submissive will fail him in that regard. So I guess these women he topped were just vanilla chicks who liked a man to be a bit forward with them?

Here’s the part that’s incredibly weird to me: he went on and on about how he’s nowhere near “extreme” enough as a top/dom to want to get involved with a bona fide submissive – and he cited a picture he once saw of our friend Pixie and her boyfriend (who is her dom) as an example of extremeness that wigged him out.

I’ve seen the picture he’s talking about; Pixie posted it on Fetlife. It is literally just her boyfriend pulling her head back by the hair and looking down into her eyes (I assume by their respective head-levels she’s kneelingĀ  and he’s standing but the picture cuts off at her chest). The connection between the two of them is palpable and totally hot, but, I mean…all he’s doing is holding her head by a fistful of hair.

Mind you, The Pedant once bragged to me that he could tell just by looking if a woman was into being choked (although apparently he can’t because he tried applying pressure to my throat during sex a time or two and HAHAHA NO). He once bragged to me about going down on a woman until she was so overstimulated that she scrambled backward to get away from him and he grabbed her ankle and slowwwwwwly pulled her back down the bed, relishing the conflict in her eyes.

I expressed incredulity that pulling a woman’s hair was apparently that big a deal to him, and reminded him that apparently he’s a connoisseur of choking women; he gave me one of those defensive nothing-answers where there’s a lot of talking but afterwards you realize the person never really communicated anything.

It’s true that most women – even vanilla ones – seem to crave a man who plays the aggressor in bed in some capacity. And I know that a lot of guys develop a totally fake “aggressor” persona in order to play to that and score more chicks or whatever, and that many of these men are in fact submissive. I’m kinda wondering if that’s The Pedant’s deal. When we were first dating he was forever pushing me up against walls to kiss me and physically repositioning me in bed and shit like that, but once he finally realized that I prefer to be the one doing those things, he relaxed into it and now he is only a sub/bottom with me. Maybe he’s realized that subbing/bottoming is so totally where he authentically belongs that he no longer wants to top anyone because it feels wrong. But instead of saying that, he’s playing it off like he was never a top in the first place.

I mean I guess I don’t actually care or anything. What he does with other people doesn’t affect me. I just value consistency in people and it distresses me when they change – especially when they claim that they didn’t change and were actually like this all along.

But seriously? Getting all squeamish over a photo of a dom *holding his sub by the hair*? So surreal.

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