Any time I’ve put up an ad on FetLife looking for a sub, I get a ton of responses from men whose profiles list them as dominant. And they’re not (usually) trying to convince me that they can “tame” me and make me submissive; they’re straight-up responding to the things in my ad and saying they want to do and be what I’m asking for.
I also get random solicitations from dominant men who tell me that they actually have a submissive side (that they don’t mention anywhere on their profile, nor is there anything bottomy in their list of kinks) and they’d really like to explore it with me.
And on several occasions I’ve been talking to some dude who self-identifies as dominant, and we’re having a good discussion and becoming friends, when suddenly he’s all “let me submit to you! I could totally submit to you!”
I don’t presume to think that my mighty domly awesomeness is converting anyone. I suspect what’s going on here is one of two things: 1) these guys are only pretending to be kinky at all because they think it’ll get their dicks wet; posing as dominant hasn’t yet granted them unlimited access to women’s holes, so they’re branching out. 2) These men are actually either switches or full-out subs, but haven’t come to terms with their sub side because it goes against what society tells them a man is supposed to be. So they won’t list themselves as sub or switch, but they’re still intrigued by the idea of submitting.
Still, though, this shit happens to me so damn often that it’s messing with my head. Like if I come across a profile online of a guy who’s hot and interesting and funny and I feel like I could really be interested in him except he lists as dominant, I find myself thinking “Pffft! We’ll see.” Because so far it feels like there have been maybe two dominant men I’ve ever interacted with who held fast to their stated orientations, and the rest of them were flinging themselves at my feet after two messages.
When I catch myself feeling dismissive of someone’s kink orientation like that – when I find myself thinking “Meh, I should hit on him anyway, he’ll probably roll over soon enough” I stop myself because that shit’s not cool.
But I sure do wish more guys knew what they wanted/were self aware/told the truth/whatever so there was a modicum of consistency out there. It really is hard to take dudes’ chosen labels seriously when seemingly eighty percent of them change at the drop of a hat, or aren’t really what a guy is but his true label is a secret because reasons, or whatever.