Ugh.

The Pedant came over from Sunday night to Tuesday morning and it was mostly very nice. We had the Netflix cuddlepets I’d been missing and craving and I feel somewhat restored now.

He made a major misstep though that did put a bit of a damper on things.

My parents visited a few weeks ago and it’s been bringing up a lot of old anger and resentments for me ever since. The Pedant hates his parents, too, so he gets it. It’s comforting to talk to him about this, usually, because he doesn’t roll out sentimental splooge about how I should love my parents just for being my parents, or how I should forgive them because they’re my parents.

So I mentioned in passing that I wish my dad would just hurry up and die already and The Pedant said “Well, you could do some things to help that along…” I said yeah, maybe if I saw them more often so I could slip trace amounts of poison in his food or something, but what could I possibly do from over here in another city? He said “Star in some porn and send it to him.”

This is the second time now that The Pedant has suggested using my body or sexuality against my dad in some way. The first was a while back when I told The Pedant how my parents – especially my dad – used to barge into my room all the time without knocking and The Pedant said I should have contrived to be calmly lounging around naked. He said he did that before to embarrass his mom and make her stop barging in. I told him that my dad said and did some sexually inappropriate things to me when I was young, so basically there’s a good chance that barging in on me naked wouldn’t horrify him, it would give him fap fodder, so NO.

So The Pedant knew that I had I suspected my dad might have sexual feelings for me, and still he thought it was funny to suggest I send my dad a video of me having sex. I mean I guess he forgot about this particular piece of my baggage. It seems crazy that someone could forget me saying “I think my dad might have wanted to fuck me” because that is not exactly a casual piece of information. But he must have forgotten, otherwise he wouldn’t have ever thought his porn suggestion would make sense.

I received his suggestion like a slap in the mouth. I just reeled and stared at him in disbelief with my eyes tearing up.

“Too far?” The Pedant asked.

“You know that my father was sexually inappropriate with me when I was growing up. You know I’m afraid that he wanted to do things to me. And you felt it was a good idea to suggest that I send him a video of my gaping cunt?!”

“Ah, okay. I’m sorry.” The Pedant put his hand on my leg and moved it soothingly back and forth.

We talked about things for a while. The Pedant opined that my dad probably did sexually abuse me and I blocked it out. I guess he thinks that if nothing had ever actually happened, I wouldn’t still have the anger and hangups that I do.

I disagree. I’ve been living in a different city from my parents – with pretty minimal contact – for over 20 years now. I’ve had plenty of time to feel safe and get my bearings away from the people who hurt me. I think if something was gonna surface from my subconscious, it would have by now. And I think it’s plenty justified for me to still feel skeeved out and angry over the questionable-but-not-actually-sexual-abuse things that did happen.

The Pedant and I talked some more about the things that happened back then and I began to wind down a bit but I’ve been having random flashbacks ever since and this is directly because of The Pedant putting the idea in my head of my father seeing a tape of me having sex. So I’m still kind of pissed off. And also so very exhausted.

Today, right after The Pedant and I parted company, I had an appointment at a mental hospital. I’ve been referred for a free group therapy program and they had to conduct a huge long interview to see if I qualify. It ended up running four and a half hours and involved still more dredging up of the past. I cried several times. And then when I got home I bumped into one of my asshole neighbours in the hallway and tried to have a discussion about a complaint he’d made about me to the landlord. The good news is, he was only mildly belligerent with me. The way he screams at his partner/wife-person made me afraid he’d have a temper with everyone. The bad news is, he is too stupid to grasp the very simple concept I was trying to explain to him, and believes (still) that I’ve been negligent in my tenant duties when I have not.

I’m so drained right now. So very drained. Goddamn.

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