I needed that…

Pedant visit is good so far. He took me out for sushi even though I said I had food here we could have for dinner. Picked up cat food after – a dozen cans because it gets me a discount – and he volunteered to carry them home for me.

Once home, I was supposed to help trim his hair where it’s gotten a bit shaggy but I ended up draining his life force through his cock instead and now he’s passed out. 😀

I dunno, man. I’ve been getting a fair bit of sex and kink lately – there’s Mine, there’s The Jock, and also a play partner from a year ago resurfaced and I spent an evening making him beg to come – but it’s all been feeling a bit…empty. Or ephemeral, maybe, is the word.

The Jock is fun and affectionate, but feels like a fuckbuddy; we met over coffee but after that, every get-together was him coming over, helping me clean my apartment a bit, and then us doing naked stuff. I can’t picture snuggling up in front of a movie with him (although a big part of that is that he works like three jobs and can only spare me a few hours at a time – and if I have to choose between a movie and naked funtimes I’m generally gonna go for the latter).

Mine is…I dunno. He’ll go a month without contacting me and then suddenly text me every day for a while. And his personality fluctuates a bit, too – when I first began to fall in love with him, it’s because a sly sense of humour and wicked intelligence began to peek out from under his big doofy quiet facade. But then for a long while I couldn’t access those bits – he was mostly quiet and when we did have conversations they were all surface and didn’t show his sense of humour at all. So I kind of lost interest.

Recently he’s been acting all into me again and having deep talks with me and he told me he loved me. I am…hovering at the edge of feeling things. But he’s so inconsistent that it’s like I can’t relax into the relationship. Not that I think he’s gonna bolt. He just seems to run a bit hot and cold and his awesome personality is often hidden behind a wall.

The other guy I mentioned – the one I made beg to come (and used like three bucks’ worth of lube in the process) is severely overscheduled in his work and his relationships and I feel like I’m very much an afterthought.

So none of these guys is someone I’d give a relationship status to on FetLife, is what I’m saying. And I don’t love any of them. And love does indeed make sex better.

I would really like to have a second person who is a bona fide relationship. Who loves me and I love him and we’re committed to making it work. Someone who can see me more often than The Pedant does, and who is more verbally effusive.

But The Pedant is what I have. He’s socially weird and emotionally awkward but he’s been in my life for I think four or five years, all told. I love him and under duress he has admitted that he loves me back. When he sleeps over he wraps his entire body around mine all night long.

And so I haven’t been pent up sexually lately, but I’ve been way pent up for intimacy and security. The Pedant and I got home from sushi and as usual I sat on the couch and watched him undress but once he was stripped to the waist I just craved skin-on-skin contact with him so badly that I strode across the room, pushed him up against my closed bedroom door, and started kissing him and running my hands over him. Drinking him in. Crushing him in my arms to feel the solidity of him, the cage of bones under his pretty surface.

As one might predict, he immediately melted under my touch and became completely incoherent; what I’d intended as a brief makeout before we got down to the business of cutting his hair turned into an epic gropefest. But even after we’d had a bit of a cool-down period – I had to pee and in the meantime he put the freshly laundered sheets back on my bed – when I asked I he’d like to get the haircut over with or proceed with the bedroom stuff, he made a tiny gutteral noise and pulled me up against him.

The Pedant had bought a silicone gag (not exactly a ball gag – picture more like a big baby’s pacifier on a strap) ages and ages ago and I’d never used it because I love his sounds too much. He requested it a few visits ago but at the time I declined because I really wanted to kiss him and the times after that I was loving his moans too much. But it’s obvious by his request that the idea of being gagged is A Thing for him and he didn’t just pick up the gag on a whim. So I knew I wanted to indulge him sooner or later.

Tonight was the night. Overall I enjoyed I enjoyed it more than I’d expected to. The gag looked kinda hot on him and I think it allowed him to be more abandoned in his sounds; although his vocalizations were muffled they were also louder than usual so the net effect for me was the same.

Once he was gagged I tied him down and began to ride, which quickly turned me on to a point where I decided to bring my Hitachi into the mix. First I sat up a bit so I could hold it where I needed it; then I sandwiched it between us and basically humped it. The latter got me really close to coming but I kept psyching myself out. The motion I need in order to get off is more of a fast wiggle than a thrust, so The Pedant usually goes soft immediately (actually, why am I treating that like it’s logical? When we make out he stays hard without me even touching him; why, then, does he need constant thrusting to keep it up during sex?).

So I kept wondering if The Pedant’s cock was gonna give out on me and feeling performance anxiety because of all the times he wouldn’t shut up about really, really wanting me to come during sex (even sex where the Hitachi wasn’t in the mix and I was just thrusting up and down, like my clit was suddenly gonna explode from being basically tapped on at intervals…).

Finally I gave up on coming and set the Hitachi aside. The Pedant had indeed gone soft (to his credit he’d held out longer than he usually does when I’m grinding up on him) so I dismounted and switched to a hand job.

And since I had him as a captive audience who couldn’t talk back, I started riffing. I said something like, “I got really close there. With a little more practice I feel like I could get off from that. And hey, that’s an advantage of me gagging you: I can shut your fuckin’ mouth and use your body the way I need to without the pressure or performance anxiety of you telling me how much you want me to come. I can keep you from expressing opinions on my orgasms entirely, in fact. No more telling me when I should have them or saying ‘oh come from this come now’ when you’re doing nothing even close to what it would take. Just you shutting up and being a good little piece of sex furniture for me.”

Who knows how much of that he retained since we were in the heat of the moment. But it felt good to vent.

As I worked The Pedant’s cock with my hand I idly circled a fingertip over his asshole and that elicited such a little storm of breathing and hip thrusts that I just had to take things further. Soon my gloved, lubed finger was up to the hilt inside him.

My goal was to take him to the edge of coming a few times and then over. I think I managed this, although I may have been too conservative in my estimation of where the “edge” was (since his sounds were altered by the gag and also he obviously couldn’t tell me he was close in words). But three or four times I stroked him steadily until his eyes rolled back and his ass gripped my finger…and then I let go of his cock and just kept moving the finger inside him for a bit until his sounds calmed and his grip relaxed and then I started stroking him again.

Then I decided it was time, and I built him back up to the point of gasping and clenching and thrashing and this time I didn’t let go of his cock. He seemed to be on the edge for quite a while and I wondered whether he was holding back and waiting for permission. “I want you to come for me,” I said, and I’m not sure if that did it but he did come soon after that. And holy shit he fought me hard – I knew he liked to struggle sometimes but I’ve never seen him twist and buck so violently. I think it was a combo of him feeling more abandoned with the gag on, and me directly stimulating him all the way through his orgasm. Beyond it a little, even; I kept sliding my lubed hand slowly over the head until he screamed.

I know, though, that for the most part it’s just really really inense for him and not painful. Or maybe it’s intensely pleasurable but painful at the same time…the trick is to stop just as it clicks over into ONLY pain, and I believe I hit the mark fairly well.

And then I undid his restraints and passed him the dildo so I could get my turn.

But yeah. Epic sex. I am tremendously satisfied and in love right now. And the gag was fun. And I totally wanna try the Hitachi humping-sex with Mine, who’s always let my body behave how it needs to instead of trying to regulate the method, frequency, and appearance of my orgasms to suit himself. If I can just get my body used to the mechanics of coming that way with someone non-judgmental, that’s one hurdle surmounted. Then I can work at pushing through my performance anxiety with The Pedant.


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2 responses to “I needed that…

  1. Christina

    Mine is bipolar, right? If so, the inconsistency in terms of contact level and personality is part and parcel of his illness. A fact of life.

    • That occurred to me, but he’s on medication. And at no time has he ever seemed manic (I’m quite familiar with what that end of things looks like).

      Maybe depression sneaks through the meds sometimes. His occasional silences and apparent lack of personality seem consistent with that.

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