The Pedant is coming over tomorrow and I’m looking forward to it. Maybe even more so, after recent events:
We’d been texting briefly about the upcoming visit and talking about gagging him and stringing him up in my hallway and stuff. I capped off the convo with: “Anyway, I’m expecting company any moment so I must go. You’ve got my brain all abuzz, now. And other parts.”
The next day, he’d responded:
“Speaking of other parts, I know you enjoy pegging me in various ways, but said activity really doesn’t do anything for me (I’m sure you’ve noticed that by now). You’ll be able to persuade me to go along with it, but that will be entirely because I know you enjoy the show.
“I enjoy the plug, and the occasions when you’ve used a vibrator on me, and those activities are much more likely to make me whimper the way you like.”
My knee-jerk reaction to this was that he was having some big internal conflict of feeling unmanly – as men who submit often do – and pushing back by telling me not to peg him anymore even though he obviously does love it.
Then I reminded myself that he did say he enjoyed the plug. And that actually he really hasn’t made much noise when I’ve put dildos inside him. He makes noise when I use my fingers, but he’s probably not counting that as “pegging,” and reasonably so.
Just to check, I replied: “My fingers seem to provoke good responses, too.”
“They do,” He said. “I enjoy it when you gently stimulate things on the inside front while running my cock through your hands.”
I said, “That’s a favourite for me, too. 🙂 Only reason I’ve used toys lately is because I’d run out of gloves. But I have a new box of them now.”
“Tuesday evening will be enjoyable then.”
“Oh yes. Yes indeed.”
So…crisis averted, I guess? But my gaslighting shithead first boyfriend (and I think at least one after that) used to fuck with my head by saying stuff after sex like “I didn’t even feel like having sex but you seemed to want it so much…” Not in a tone of letting me know he was devoted to my happiness. In a tone of “Ha ha you nympho slut you thought I was enjoying myself but really I was clinically observing how hilariously horny you are and feeling bemused about how much you want me when I don’t want you.”
Ever since then it gets my hackles up when a partner makes any indication of only having done a sexual thing for my sake. Which is weird because the idea of a partner sacrificing for me – sexually or otherwise – usually kind of turns me on. But I guess I want control of it. I want to know upfront that my partner isn’t specifically in the mood but is willing to make me happy, and then fuck him with full knowledge that I’m using his body as an object for my pleasure. Hearing afterward that he wasn’t into what I thought was a mutually enjoyable experience is a whole different thing.
In fairness, The Pedant did usually couch any pegging activities we did in terms of putting on a show for me (and said so ahead of time). I just assumed he was saying it to downplay how much he seems to enjoy ass play. But fingers and plugs are fun for him and dildos are not and that’s just fine. And it’s admirable that he’s told me all of this in a straightforward fashion, and even said that pegging isn’t off the table. Just felt like a slap in the face to me because of my history, is all.
I can’t help wondering if a more knobly dildo would pique his interest. The two dildos I’ve used on him are fairly straight up and down, without pronounced heads (one is literally just a straight tube with a rounded end). So maybe something that stimulates his prostate more would catch his fancy. But I didn’t say this at the time because it would come off as arguing with his stated preference. I’ll stick to fingers and the plug for now and maybe one day I’ll try out a more bulbous dildo on him “for the show” and see if it provokes much response.
So that whole exchange caught me off guard and somewhat unsettled me. But I got over it, mostly. And then a day or two later we were chatting on the phone and he said he’d been hanging out with some chick who’s 18 and really naive and has no idea what kink is (he’d invited her to an event that is ostensibly a kink night but is effectively just a goth nightclub thing and she was like “kink night? What does that mean?”). And added that it was going to be difficult for him to explain why people are into kinky stuff because he’s barely into kinky stuff (!!!)
I probably should have asked what he meant by that. Maybe he’s defining kink differently from me (conflating kink with SM, like most people do?). Maybe he’s defining “barely into it” differently than I would (he seems very very into submitting to me but he only submits in the bedroom soooo). But I was too busy feeling slapped in the face (again) to ask for clarification.
I just need him to be here and squirming incoherently underneath me for a while so I can get my mojo back. Please oh please let no more icky surprises happen in the meantime…