The Pedant usually goes totally silent when he has a relationship email from me in his queue, as though thinking about the big picture clogs up his brain completely and he can’t so much as text me a hello. This time that didn’t happen, and for that and other reasons I thought maybe my last email to him hadn’t gone through. But he’s replied now, thanking me for the info and saying it took him this long to respond because he had to read it over several times to make sure he understood.
Not long after that, he sent me an email listing his work schedule for the next two weeks (with the starts and ends of his shifts in military time, which is annoying as fuck to me and totally unnecessary but okay). After all the shift times was a paragraph specifically pointing out his days off, but stating that he had fewer of them than usual and that his shifts keep vacillating from morning to evening so he’ll be pretty wrecked most of the time. O…kay?
I wrote back “Unsure if you’re letting me know when you can come over or emphasizing that your schedule is so erratic and crowded that you can’t…but I’m gonna toss out there that my July 11 is free, just in case.”
His response: “Mostly the former, but with a sprinkling of the latter, especially for the second week on that list.” That’s it; that’s all he said. I had to prompt him about July 11th, and he said “possibly.” I asked when he would know whether the possibly was a definitely and he said he’d tell me tomorrow.
If you’re keeping count, that was about seven steps to accomplish what could have been accomplished in three: “Hey I wanna come over, here are the days that work for me.” “Cool how about [date]?” “Sounds good, I’ll see you then.” And three of those steps were me prompting him for clarification.
I’m so tired. So…very…tired. I guess he’s trying to meet my request for him to initiate more visits, and I do appreciate the transparency with his work schedule. But it boggles me how difficult he manages to make things without apparently trying. And it irritates me extra because (I know I keep harping on this) he’s said he doesn’t understand subtleties and needs me to be straightforward – implying that he is a straightforward person. But so much of the time I have no idea what he’s trying to tell me.
Anyway. He seems to have changed a lot since a few months ago. Back then I felt absolutely in love with him, and he fed those feelings regularly. Now he’s not feeding my heart and so I feel…nothing. I mean, probably not really nothing. But I can’t let myself trust him to pay enough attention to me, initiate visits in a direct manner, and arrive for them on time. So I’m numb.
I happen to have an influx of other men in my life right now – Mine is suddenly back in regular contact, there’s The Dandy, there’s a sweet boy from Fetlife I’m really fond of and another who has potential and this guy might also be back in the picture – and god knows the ranks will probably thin themselves out soon enough, but in the meantime I have no shortage of distraction and touch at my disposal. So I’m basically gonna try to step back from The Pedant and see if he picks up the slack. Beats the shit out of sitting around pining and periodically telling him I need him to do more, and anyway at the moment I can’t remember what he’s like when things are good so there’s nothing to pine for.
Right now, with me feeling numb, it seems like if The Pedant doesn’t step up his game there’s no need to actually break up with him. The sex is fun; it’d be a shame to lose that. If I can just shift my focus and lower my expectations so he’s not my main relationship-person anymore but just some guy I fuck sometimes when I can be bothered, that would be cool. Although probably once I see him in person again my walls will crack and all my stupid feelings will come oozing out. Numbness is not the same as being over someone.