Came over to The Dandy’s place last night after work and ended up sleeping over.
I’m finding myself somewhat smitten, albeit with reservations.
The reservations are mostly that – perhaps due to how we initially hooked up – we sort of got really intimate really fast. It feels a bit uncontrolled and a bit wonky and I feel like maybe he likes the concept of me more than who I actually am? I dunno. When I visited him he didn’t proffer any sort of activity, like watching a movie. We just sat around in mostly silence and every time I made eye contact he beamed beatifically at me and it was kind of awkward so I filled the silence by asking him barrages of questions about himself and also by giving him a hand job. 😛 I don’t love that I segued to sexual stuff simply for lack of anything else to do, butttttt yeah. I guess maybe to him the silences are comfortable but to me they’re not and I try to fill them, but is that kind of mismatch a thing? I mean aren’t people usually on the same page about silences, and what makes an uncomfortable silence uncomfortable is that both people can’t think of anything to say and they both know it?
The smitten is because The Dandy wears his emotions totally on the outside – he’s quite clear that he likes me and isn’t pretending to be aloof even the tiniest bit. And he’s generous with his physical affection – I don’t have a constant debate over whether he’ll rebuff public affection like I do with The Pedant. The Dandy is sweet and smart and he cooked for me. And I told him about the Five Love Languages and he totally gets the concept and also seemed to be storing up the info I gave him on my preferred languages for later use. And he just looks so happy to be with me that it’s super endearing. Not grateful (there may be some of that, too, but it’s not what I’m responding to) but happy. Like I’m a delightful novelty, or at least having a woman in his bed is.
And he’s not linear in the way he has sex: at one point we were canoodling around and he put a couple of fingers inside me and I was enjoying it, but just in case he was trying to make me come I told him “Just so you know I haven’t been able to get off without my Hitachi for a long time, and I didn’t have the foresight to pack it, so what we’re doing here is strictly recreational.” He said it looked like I was having fun, and he kept going. He didn’t lose all interest when I told him it wasn’t gonna lead to me orgasming. At another point, we were making out for a long time – I mean with me straddling him and grinding up on his cock and both of us naked. Then we each needed a bathroom break and at that point I realized it was 2am and I was like “Wow, I’d been planning on going home tonight but it’s so late that I’m totally gonna sleep over instead” (he’d invited me to, earlier). And I guess he interpreted that as me saying I needed to sleep at that moment because when he came back to bed he just…snuggled up to me and we went to sleep. There was no “but I had an erection and you didn’t get me off!” elephant of resentment in the room. That’s a tremendous relief.
Incidentally, his kissing was better this time and his skill at touching me was, too. I guess last time he might have had first-time jitters and not been taking cues very well? I have hopes that his learning curve will keep progressing and things will be good.
Oh and by the way that hand job I gave him? Was apparently the first time another person has ever been able to get him off that way. And he’s 42. But we all know that I’m awesome in bed, so… 😛
Other scattered things I wanna say:
The Dandy has a dog and a cat. I observed that his cat has a proportionately short tail. The Dandy immediately was like “Eeeek! Please never tell me my ‘tail’ is too short, even if you’re thinking it.”
“Your tail is everything a tail should be,” I assured him. And then, in case he thought I was just humouring him as per his request: “I’ll show you my favourite dildo sometime – the only one I use on myself. It’s of comparable size. I have a distinct preference and you’re it.”
The hand job I gave him started out as a blow job, in fact, because I really do enjoy medium-sized, uncut cocks the very most and this one is attached to someone I like. And also I was at a loss for how to keep our conversation going. 😛 He petted my head as I went down on him but didn’t shove it, and thankfully he mostly (when I dared to look up) seemed to be enjoying my ministrations with his eyes closed instead of gazing unwaveringly at me with a big smile on his face (which is what he did that first night we hooked up when I was giving him a hand job).
The Dandy is roommates with his ex-girlfriend. I met her; actually we all ate the dinner The Dandy cooked together around the dining room table, with me wearing The Dandy’s bathrobe because we’d been previously doing naked stuff. I’d thought we were going into the kitchen to dish food onto plates and then the two of us would go back into his room and have a bed-picnic of sorts, but instead The Dandy led the way to the table and I thought “Oh shit. Well, I guess this is happening now…”
For the record, though, when The Dandy’s ex got home from the evening class she was at, she called out to me “I’m changing into a tank top that’s kind of see-through. Do you care?” so she’s not a terribly formal person. She also was pleasant dinner company – there was no weirdness or jealousy that I could sense.
I asked The Dandy (this was before dinner), whether either of them had dated anyone else since they broke up (which happened a year and a half ago), trying to suss out whether my presence would cause any weirdness. He said his ex currently has a boyfriend and as for himself “…Do you count?”
The problem with the word “dating” is that it’s way too vague. It can mean something casual – as in you are literally going on dates with a person – or it can mean an established romantic relationship. And suddenly when The Dandy asked if I counted as someone he’s “dating”, I wondered what he actually meant by that. Because he is seeming maybe a little…intense. So I hemmed and hawed and said “I don’t know. Do I?” and he said yes, and I was too chicken to parse that out with him. But yeah, I guess he didn’t have anyone at all that he was seeing since the breakup. He said he needed some time alone and that I had hit on him at exactly the right time. I guess he was just starting to be ready to get out there again.
When I went to his place, I met up with him en route and we proceeded together. I’d worked a full day and was exhausted, and maybe that showed. When we left his place the next morning I hadn’t gotten nearly enough sleep and definitely looked like life had punched me in the face. In both instances, The Dandy put his arm around me on the bus and pulled me in so that I was leaning on his shoulder. I assumed he was doing this as a comforting gesture because I was in rough shape, but now I’m wondering if it was just part of his general campaign to be touching me pretty much constantly whenever we’re together. I really hope it’s the former. Leaning my head on someone’s shoulder like that is actually pretty physically awkward for me and I only want to do it when I’m either crazy tired or trying to shut out the presence of other people so that I don’t have an anxiety meltdown. I don’t want the gesture of yanking my body over at a 45 degree angle to be a default for him. Seems kinda presumptuous.
I’ve been convinced for a long time that my anxiety issues make me difficult to like and will probably ultimately doom any romantic relationship I manage to find. So now, when I meet someone with any kind of romantic potential, I make a point of slipping it into conversation that I have anxiety. Maybe I even mention it too much or talk about the ramifications in an unsavory amount of detail, because if it’s gonna drive someone off I’d rather it happen early. The Dandy has not been put off by my many references to my issues. It’s unclear why. I mean, maybe he’s just cool with things? But it seems possible that he’s seeing me through infatuation goggles and not really getting it. It also seems possible that he might be a bit of a white knight, which usually doesn’t bode well for me: those guys are super eager to take me on as a project and try to fix me, and then they get mad that nothing they do will actually accomplish this.
Whatever The Dandy’s deal is, though, he seems like someone I could train to handle my issues the way I need. Which would be lovely for however long things last.
For what it’s worth, The Dandy had a heart bypass a few years ago and has to take blood pressure meds and I think some other pills, too. So he knows that human bodies fail sometimes. And I suspect that would help him to be more understanding of my own failings, which are just as physical as his but located in my brain.