So. This post right here? Where I mention a guy I was really attracted to and another that I felt was into me and I was semi-curious about him but not enough to ever have made a move?
The guy I was really attracted to is The Pedant. The guy I was mildly attracted to is his friend I’ll call The Dandy because of a pic of him on Facebook looking very dapper in a goth/steampunk sort of way.
I went clubbing the other night with this friend who I haven’t named yet and I guess I’ll just call him Ponytail because he always wears his hair back and I’m out of ideas. This was the day after shit hit the fan with The Veteran, and I was really fucked up over it. When I say that shit hit the fan I mean that when I told her I needed to step back from our friendship and that I think she’s in a manic episode and it’s scaring me, she volleyed abuse at me via voicemail, email, and text for the next three hours. I was afraid to go home from work in case she was waiting for me so she could rage at me in person. I was wondering if I would have to get a restraining order against her.
For the record, behaving like that is not the best way to prove that you’re not scary and manic.
Anyway I barely slept that night because I was so rattled by her vitriol. The shit she said was so mean. Really trying to slice as deep as she could, using everything she knew about me. And so what had started out as me wanting to take a break from her until she was back on meds suddenly became me suspecting that the friendship was over permanently because I’m not sure I can trust her anymore. Ironically (and infuriatingly) most of her insults were very pot-meets-kettle. She accused me of just pretending to like her all this time, but by how quickly she turned on me it seemed like she must have been the one pretending. She said I’m clearly not equipped to judge anyone else’s mental state because I’m so fucked up I can’t even keep my apartment tidy; she is literally hoarding garbage. And on and on and on, making it really tempting to respond and point out what a fucking hypocrite she was being, but I managed to refrain. She is not well. She will not understand logic. And if she barraged me with shit for hours without me ever even replying, lord knows what I’d trigger if I did say anything.
I was kind of dying to have someone over that night, both to cuddle me and to make me feel protected from stalking if that ended up happening. But I got the strong feeling that The Pedant would not have accommodated me. There were other people I would have liked to call upon for this but each one had something where I thought it would be a bad idea or an unfeasible idea so I just sat alone in my apartment, crying and texting some friends for support and wondering about getting the police involved.
When I met up with Ponytail the next day to head out to the club, his hello hug triggered a sobbing fit right there in the bus terminal. I wrestled myself under control but then started sobbing again as we waited for a bus. I was not doing well. On the bus I broke down yet again. Through all of this Ponytail sat and listened and sometimes reached way out and put a hand on my shoulder. I wouldn’t have minded hugs or cuddles from him, honestly, but I was in such a vulnerable state that it seems likely I would have muddled up our friendship. I respected and appreciated that he showed support without getting all up in my personal space. It kept things simpler.
Minx and my friend Red were at the club, too. I managed to dance a little bit with everyone and have some semblance of fun. Kinda. It was hot in there though and Red and I ducked outside for some air. There, we encountered The Dandy, who was on his way in. He gave me a huge hug hello (his awesome hugs are one reason I’m drawn to him – they are not cursory. They are long and have affection poured into them. Same with Ponytail, actually) and hung out with Red and I for a bit. He knew, from a passing remark I’d made on Facebook, that I’d had a huge falling out with a friend. Red didn’t know, and I told her and started crying again for a bit. The Dandy listened to me vent and was sympathetic.
On a side note, every time we’ve ever run into each other anywhere, he’s kinda twinkled at me every time we made eye contact. Which is why I felt he had a crush on me. And he was doing the same thing that night. And in my vulnerable state it was hitting me harder than usual.
An hour or two of dancing later, Ponytail decided he wanted to leave and I was going to head out with him. When I stopped to hug The Dandy goodbye, though, The Dandy said “You don’t have to leave if you don’t want to – if you stay, I can drive you home.” A good song had just come on and I was hoping it would be followed by more, plus I had gotten it into my head that I probably wanted to hit on The Dandy and finally satisfy my vague curiosity about him, so I opted to stay. (I hope Ponytail doesn’t feel this was a breach of etiquette, coming to a place with him but then not leaving with him. He wouldn’t have known I was partly motivated by the prospect of makeouts, but still).
Even when The Dandy was driving me home I couldn’t make up my mind about hitting on him. I was well aware that a big part of my interest that night was just me being vulnerable and needing to feel loved and wanted after The Veteran’s profound rejection. I was also well aware that any remaining interest was probably fleeting. I do have a bad habit of wanting to kiss someone just to see what it’s like, and then once I know, I don’t feel like doing it again. This usually seems to hurt and baffle the other person, plus I’ve had…god, off the top of my head I can think of four different people who sexually assaulted me after I clearly stated that my interest had run its course and I wanted to just be platonic. I didn’t want to get myself into a mess or hurt anyone.
But when he pulled up outside my house and we were saying our goodbyes he was doing the twinkly eyes at me so fucking strongly that I kind of lost all track of how to exit the car without making a move. It’s like the strength of his crush was pulling me in. I did make a speech, though, to try to head off any future hurt at the pass (futile, I know…). I said something like “I…often find myself kind of quasi-attracted to someone, where I’m curious what it would be like to make out with them but I don’t necessarily want it to go anywhere.” Pause. “How would you feel if I kissed you?”
The way his face slowly lit up was the best thing ever. This, folks, is what I live for: chasing and catching. Seeing the look on a guy’s face when I offer myself, like he can’t believe his good fortune. “I would be totally okay with that,” The Dandy said, so I leaned across the car and made contact.
Unfortunately, he was not a good kisser. Not terrible, I guess; he didn’t bounce his teeth off mine or drool all over my face or anything. But his kisses were just a string of discrete smooches on my mouth and simply refused to take flight, even when I tried to lead him in that direction. I’d pause or linger or try to vary the intensity and he just kept robotically smooching at precise intervals. He’s in his 40s so it’s weird to me both that he kisses that way and that he doesn’t seem to know how to adapt to a new partner.
Still, though, there was the thrill of newness and the lovely way he looked into my eyes. I think he even put his hand on my head as we kissed, which is like Kryptonite. It makes me feel loved. And I so very much needed to feel loved.
After a couple of minutes I disengaged and said goodbye…but somehow didn’t actually exit the car. The Dandy was petting my back and I couldn’t stand to move away from the human contact. We sat there for a while with me slumped over the dashboard and him petting me, and then he said I looked uncomfortable in that position and pulled me in to lean my head on his chest instead.
I still absolutely meant to leave the car and go into my apartment alone. I even pulled away again and said I really should be going. But I didn’t open the damn door. The Dandy silently petted me a bunch more and I leaned on his chest again and I realized that his hands were staying entirely on the part of my back covered by my tank top. He did not touch my bare arms or shoulders at all. He was respecting boundaries.
And a third time I declared an intention of leaving, and thanked The Dandy sincerely for the much-needed snuggles. “I could come in for a night of snuggles…” he suggested, and because he’d been respectful of my body so far, I said okay.
Once we got inside and were seated on my couch I realized he may have been using “snuggles” as a euphemism for sex so I did my usual awkward thing of killing all plausible deniability with my relentless honesty. I said something like “Oh just to be really clear, I took your offer of ‘snuggles’ literally. I’m not intending on things getting really openly sexual tonight. If that’s not what you were looking for, you can totally go home and I won’t be upset or anything. I just want to make sure we’re on the same page here.”
The Dandy said he was open to sex but not expecting it by any means, and snuggling was fine.
“I don’t really wanna make any big decisions while I’m feeling like such a sad bastard” I said. (He chuckled at that.) “I’ve kinda wanted to kiss you since I’ve known you, so that decision seems like it’s pretty safe.” I leaned in and we kissed a little more (smooch…smooch…smooch…smooch…). Then we snuggled on my couch and talked and stuff. And finally I felt ready for bed so I changed into boxers and took my bra off out from under my tank top and we retired to the bedroom. We only slept for a few hours but he had his arms wrapped around me the whole time and it was really nice. And no boundary-pushing per se. Probably. Although when I woke up we were spooning and I realized that in hugging his arm around me I’d basically pressed his hand directly onto one of my breasts, and I could tell that he was aware of this. I don’t mean that I felt an erection pressed into my ass or anything but just…he would flex his fingers slightly every so often, I presume subtly copping a feel. I would prefer that he’d discreetly moved his hand somewhere more neutral.
He’d taken his pants off at some point and I couldn’t remember when he’d done that. When he came back from the bathroom he decided to remove his shirt, too, which made me brace myself for sexual overtures but none were forthcoming. I guess he just wanted to be more comfortable. He climbed back into bed and we cuddled some more and occasionally talked. He’s engaging to talk to and has a nice voice and animated way of speaking. I think by then he’d progressed to petting my arms and legs rather than just my clothed back, but that’s as far as that went. We’d become physically comfortable with each other but it was pretty nonsexual, aside from the occasional kissing. Sometimes during the kissing he would chuckle and I’d always go “what?” and he never said anything. I remember reading somewhere that some people just smile or laugh when they’re happy – including when they’re happy to be making out with someone. I think that’s what that was. He looked into my face a lot when we were kissing. He has really pretty eyes, and the way he looked at me left me kind of starstruck. Although I did not find the rest of his body attractive, particularly.
Then I think I got hungry and made myself some eggs (The Dandy didn’t want any) and ate them in the living room because it had seemed like he might go back to sleep and I didn’t want to disturb him.
He ended up coming out to the living room to keep me company, though. And I finished my food and I can’t remember what we were talking about but it segued (smoothly, not a non-sequitur) into him saying “you can jump me if you want.”
I once again made an awkward speech. What I was trying to do was convey that I wasn’t all that attracted to him so anything I did with him sexually would probably be out of curiosity but then I’d quickly get bored. Except that would be a terrible thing to say to someone so I sugarcoated it and maybe the meaning was lost. I think I said something like “I tend to get interested in people for a really brief time and then it kinda runs its course, and this makes me really cautious about engaging with people because I don’t want them to end up hurt.”
He smiled and said “warning taken.”
And I thought “Ahhh, fuck it” and straddled his lap and took my shirt off and kissed him. But jeez, that monotonous way he kisses. But he has such a pretty face, and he seemed so happy to be there with me.
We moved to the bedroom but somehow our sexual momentum got stalled and we ended up nonsexually snuggling again, both of us just wearing boxer briefs. Finally I sheepishly said “Well, my libido seems to be AWOL. You wanna go back out there and watch some Netflix or something?”
He said “I need love and cuddles right now more than I need sex, anyway” and that’s when something clicked for me and I realized that he hadn’t slept over in order to fuck me or as a favour to me because he saw that I needed closeness. He’d offered to stay over and snuggle because he was as desperate for touch and closeness as I was. Probably he was interested in sex, too, but the snuggling was the most important thing.
We never did go watch Netflix. We lazed around in bed cuddling and talking. Neither of us is shy about discussing personal things, so we talked about our failed marriages, his heart surgery, our childhoods – all kinds of stuff. We ended up lying head-to-toe somehow, me with my knees up, him with one of his arms between my thighs so that his hand rested just above my pubic bone. This felt perfectly natural and comfortable and then he started lightly moving that hand around a bit and that felt good, too. He lightly petted me through my boxers, not super-invasively but like in the area where a person who shaved their pubes might leave a landing strip. I smiled and sighed and kind of half-moaned pretty much the whole time he was doing this (and unlike The Pedant, The Dandy looked into my face almost constantly while touching me so I know he was reading my signals). After a while he checked in with me: “Does this feel good or would you like me to stop?” I said it was good, and parted my legs to allow more access. His fingers traveled lower, grazing my clit and labia over and over again. I started to get turned on. And then I noticed that he was erect and that turned me on, too – that his erection was just a thing that was happening, and not a demand. He wasn’t drawing attention to it or trying to push it up against me. He just continued lying on his back, more-or-less still except for his hand that was petting me, only now he was pitching a tent.
Unfortunately I had to pee, and that broke the moment a little bit. When I returned I lay back down next to him, with my head by his head this time, and he continued stroking me and I kind of almost managed to regain the mood. His fingers began hovering at the waistband of my boxers and I decided “Meh, what the hell” and took them off. A bit of caressing later, I had him bring out the Hitachi for me and tried to train him to use it. Shit, and here I thought The Pedant was not great at this – The Dandy was moving it in such a wide radius that he kept wandering off my clit entirely and repeatedly ended up pointlessly vibrating my mons, despite me pushing his vibrator-hand lower every time. I didn’t have a lot of patience for teaching him – I’m annoyed in general by how bad so many guys are at following simple directions in bed* – so in fairly short order I took the Hitachi back from him and took care of business myself, relegating him to g-spot stuff. He continued staring into my face unwaveringly and I felt awkward and on display and also resentful over his inability to hold the damn vibrator in one spot and wiggle it, but with some difficulty I did manage to get off. It was a decent orgasm and it opened the floodgates to a huge stress-relief cry. He held me while I sobbed into his chest.
Then I decided the sporting thing to do was return the favour so I started groping the front of The Dandy’s boxers and eventually peeled them off him. Hallelujah, his cock was uncut and within my ideal size range (uncannily similar to The Pedant’s cock, actually, right down to the leftward curve. And I got a powerfully surreal feeling realizing that I know this about them and they surely don’t know it about each other, despite being friends. Just hanging around and talking with their almost-twin dicks lurking in their pants two feet away from each other).
The unfortunate thing is that The Dandy is not nearly as responsive as The Pedant. And this is how I realized that a pretty cock is of considerably less interest to me when touching it doesn’t produce any good sounds or reactions. I’d been debating letting The Dandy inside me, but his silence during my initial gropings made me decide that intercourse would likely be boring and pointless for me. I gave him a hand job instead, although he took over midway through for whatever reason. Turns out he takes forever to come, his orgasm is heralded only by a couple of audible breaths just before, and he’s a distance squirter. One minute I was cuddled up to the side of him, cheerleading his wank; the next minute the side of my torso was drenched instantaneously like someone had thrown a glass of water on me. A few drops hit my face, as well. I squawked, startled, and then burst out laughing and The Dandy laughed, too. I was like “Damn, dude, you could have given me a heads up that you shoot that far!” He said he regularly hits himself in the face with it.
Snuggles and talking resumed, but I periodically made a show of squeegeeing newly-found motherlodes of semen off me with the side of my hand and then wiping them on The Dandy’s stomach. Which made us both laugh again.
Later we tried to get each other off again but it didn’t work.
Oh but before I forget, at some point during all our talking I mentioned that I’d tried being with women before but it never really worked for me. He said “Well, you can’t know you’re not into it unless you try it.” I said I do actually think it’s possible for some people to know they’re straight without trying anything, and then I went off on a tangent about that. But later I realized the full implications of what he’d said and was like “Waitwaitwait back it up have you been with a guy before in order to determine that you’re straight?”
“Tell me that story!”
“Ehhh, I took him home and he went down on me but I just didn’t even feel anything and I knew then that I wasn’t into men.”
“Was he cute?”
I can’t tell you how hot it is to me that The Dandy said “yes” to that and not “I dunno I can’t tell these things grumble grumble straight grumble.” It’s hot even though I understand that he’s not into dudes at all. It’s the lack of dudebro posturing, I guess.
Oh also we were talking about past sexual experiences and it turns out he’s been both raped and sexually assaulted by women – he says he’s not particularly traumatized by it but he definitely thinks it was bullshit that the women in question just pushed themselves on him without asking. And we talked about how our culture dismisses male victims of sexual violence and how shitty that is. He seems more in touch and enlightened about rape-culture stuff than most guys are. I like it.
It was 9pm by the time The Dandy finally left. He was being kinda clingy and saying he had to go but not actually going for, like, three hours.
After he left I did the polite “thanks for a nice time” text and asked him to say hi to his kitties for me. The next day he responded saying he had, and adding, “So I assume you’d like to get together again?”
First off, The Pedant did the exact same thing back when we were broken up and I banged him for nostalgia’s sake – he said something like “So I assume we’ll be seeing more of each other from now on?” so that’s funny. I wonder if their verbal tics are rubbing off on each other. Secondly though…you assume I want to do this again, Dandy? Why? Didn’t I give not one but two speeches about how I often make out with or fuck someone but then don’t really want to date them?
But I did enjoy most aspects of hanging out with him, so I said okay. I’m gonna go to his place and meet his cats on Wednesday night.
We’ll see where this goes but to be honest I think we’re really not sexually compatible – and possibly not even that attracted to each other – so I don’t expect that side of things to go on much longer. Hopefully if I end up having to be the one to say “let’s just be friends” he’ll be cool about it.
*Speaking of which, the moment I took my top off I told The Dandy “I don’t like my nipples touched but sideboob and underboob caresses are great.” He forgot about this and started twiddling around with one of my nipples at least five times during the rest of his visit. I yelped and slapped his hand off me every time and he still just couldn’t seem to remember this simple, directly-stated, repeatedly-enforced preference. At one point he said “sorry, old habits die hard” and I pointedly said “Good thing I’m able to keep my old habits from resurfacing, isn’t it?” (He knows I’m a sadist.)