Bleh.

When I sent The Pedant that email, my email client didn’t autocomplete the address like it usually does. And when I search my email for his name, various messages both to and from him come up, but not that one. I’ve checked the email address like fifty times and can’t see a typo, but I’m paranoid that I fucked up somehow and it got sent to someone with a very similar address.

But I feel like every time I send The Pedant something I’m immediately all up his ass asking if he got it. And I’m tired of looking so anxious and desperate all the time. So I’m trying to be cool. Shit, I shoulda texted him “check your email” as soon as I sent it, the way he usually does when he emails me. Oh well.

I still feel like he’s being kind of distant with me – which bugs me, given that the last time he was here I told him I wasn’t feeling too important to him and wanted that to change. If I am indeed important to him, that talk should have goosed him into paying a bit more attention to me. But, I also know that when confronted with a relationshippy email his brain locks up and he can barely even seem to talk to me until he’s had time to process it, so maybe that’s what’s happening here.

Here – in accordance with tradition – is the email in question (subject: Happiness Manual):

Right, so remember how I told you recently that I don’t need you to tell me you love me in words because I feel it from you in other ways? Here are those other ways. When enough of these things go by the wayside for a while I start feeling antsy, unhappy, and unloved – which is why I bailed out of the relationship that time. Since you’ve expressed worry once or twice that I might walk out again, I thought it would be useful to pinpoint precisely what’s working for me. A manual for how to keep me happy, as it were.

Disclaimer: I know that sometimes life intervenes and fucks up schedules, energy levels, income levels, etc. so it won’t be possible to adhere to all of these things all the time. This is just kind of a rough guideline.

REGULAR CONTACT

-Visits. Preferably overnight; preferably not always initiated by me; preferably incorporating sex. As a rule I feel most connected to you when we’re fucking, ergo regular fucking reassures me that things with us are good. Plus sex with you feeds my dominant side in a way that I really, really need. Generally I’d want to see you every two weeks or so; longer htan that and I start to get squirrelly. Although regular contact from you via text and/or phone might extend that somewhat.

-Some form of remote contact (texting etc.) every couple of days when we’re not together. Actually, one noticeable difference in your behaviour from before our relationship hiatus vs. after is that this time around, you’ve been calling me on the phone semi-regularly. I think that’s been a major source of happiness and security for me. Even getting a missed call notification from you makes me happy, so clearly I’m not needing epic conversations or constant, doting attention – just periodic signs that you’re thinking of me.

TRANSPARENCY

-Give me a heads-up if you’re going to be busy/silent for an unusually long time

-Give me a heads-up about any development in your life that might affect our relationship in some way.

-Let me know if something is bothering you before it gets to the critical point.

A PARTIAL LIST OF THINGS YOU DO THAT TURN ME INTO GOO AND IF YOU STOPPED ALL OF THEM I WOULD BE VERY VERY SAD, POSSIBLY FOREVER

In no particular order

-Feed me

-Do (or procure) things that make my life easier/better

-Touch me affectionately

-Submit to me (in the bdsm sense)

-Demonstrate that you remember my needs/preferences (in bed, in food, whatever)

-Make the world seem like an ordered and reasonable place when I’m feeling anxious

Funny story: there was one particular visit where I mentioned that my ideal submissive would do housekeeping-type stuff in addition to following my lead in bed. This was one of those visits where I had a morning gig and ended up leaving the apartment before you did – and this time you happened to tidy my place a bit before you left and texted me to let me know you’d done so. Maybe this was a direct reference to our earlier conversation. Or, maybe your timing was just a coincidence and you were simply being your usual helpful self. But when I got those texts my feelings for you clicked over from “love” to “in love.” Just like that. I cannot understate how powerfully acts of service affect me.

So now you basically have a treasure map to the very centre of my jaded little heart. The route is pretty short, I think, and all things you’d been doing already, although as I mentioned when you were last here, I feel things have been sliding off somewhat lately…if you don’t feel like you can maintain things at the level you were a couple of months ago then obviously tell me ASAP.

p.s. I finally understand that when you receive meta-emails about the relationship (like this one) it induces some kind of paralysis in you and you go incommunicado for a while. I am learning to power through these silences even though Assholebrain keeps making helpful suggestions like “your email was stupid and he probably hates you and will never talk to you again.” But if you could try to meet me halfway here and TELL me “Got your message, probably don’t hate you, just need processing time” before the silence, that would be much appreciated.

p.p.s. I want you to be happy too and I hope if you ever feel like you’re not getting your needs met with me, you’d feel comfortable saying so.

So as usual, now that I’ve sent the email I’m waffling back and forth about what I said. Sometimes I feel like I came off kind of demanding and other times I think “Hey, this is a boy who claims to be totally befuddled by human interaction and I’m literally telling him exactly how to keep me happy. I’m taking all the guesswork out of it. This should be a huge relief. This should make me the best partner (to him) evaaaar.” But I keep remembering my breakup email to him back in the day; that, too, said that I needed regular contact with him but it didn’t have to be anything huge. And he was like “Yeah I’m not gonna lavish attention on you every minute of the day.” That was his automatic assumption: that I needed him to be saying mushy shit to me constantly and texting back and forth all the time. Even though I never said that. So he might very well read this email through the lens of his emotional baggage or whatever, too.

And sometimes I worry that the point of the email is unclear. What I want is for him to notice the things on the list that he’s been neglecting lately and pick up the slack – or, if he can’t or won’t pick up the slack, I want him to tell me this so I can decide if I still want to be in the relationship. But I didn’t say that first bit outright (I would have felt like such a harpie…) so it may not be obvious to him what sort of response I’m looking for here.

Guess we’ll see how it goes.

I miss that steady feeling of love and security he gave me not so long ago, like a pilot light burning in the centre of my chest. I’d really like to get that back again, if it’s possible. For one thing it made the sex way better. 🙂

7 Comments

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7 responses to “Bleh.

  1. melindamaybe

    my memories are not very detailed, but it’s like you had sent this very same emalis a while ago, with an “user’s guide”. let’s hope it will stick better this time.

  2. melindamaybe

    no, it was a recent-ish thing; he was afraid of you leaving him for not being understanding enough, you explained that he doing x, y and z makes you happy. too bad he did not chose to do enough of that stuff.

  3. Pingback: Pedant update | hiding in plain sight

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