Also

It’s not just the sexual stuff that’s been getting me down with The Pedant. I’ve been feeling like our relationship has been a bit “off” for a few weeks now, if not longer.

My anxiety issues are fucking my head sideways lately so some of my feelings here are probably paranoia. But The Pedant has definitely stopped calling me to chat as often as he used to, and the last few times I’ve seen him were because I initiated it. Those are facts.

Plus the last two times I saw him he kinda made it seem like he’d rather not have come over but was doing so as a favour to me. And his most recent visit was partly conditional on whether or not he could get into a particular concert (“If it’s sold out I’ll come by tonight but if I can get in I’ll visit you tomorrow instead”) and the time before that he talked about some concert he wished he could go to that was happening the night we had plans.

And of course the last time he came by he showed up three or four hours later than he said he would, and didn’t tell me what was going on until I asked. So I didn’t exactly feel like he was valuing my time or looking forward to seeing me.

Once he did finally get here I was seething and made no move to initiate sex. I lay on the couch watching him undress and waiting for an opportunity to vent my feelings and hopefully get some kind of reassurance and then I’d probably be in the mood for stuff.

The Pedant kept up with such brisk small talk that I couldn’t really segue into my issues. Then, when he was totally naked and I didn’t immediately come over and start touching him like I usually do, he came to me, sitting on the edge of the couch and kissing me aggressively with way too much tongue, I guess to try to kickstart things. Which I endured for a minute and then gently but firmly disengaged so I could speak my mind.

I told him that I knew the circumstances of those two visits were mostly just an unfortunate coincidence but that they’d left me feeling like I just get whatever crumbs of him are left over after he’s done going out to concerts and stuff. I said between that and the fact that I’ve been the one initiating our get-togethers for I-don’t-know-how-long, I really needed him to counterbalance things sometime soon by expressing an interest in seeing me and not letting other things interfere. And I said he could feel free to take a cab to see me when he’s running late every now and then; he does this when he’s late for work, after all (I didn’t say this part out loud but I assume he cabs to work but not to my place because he thinks being late for work might result in his termination and being late to see me won’t. But he’s wrong. His consistent lateness pisses me off enough that it just might be grounds for letting him go).

He replied that he actually has cabbed here before but just didn’t mention it: “Those were the times I was only a few minutes late.” He’s never lied to me before as far as I know, and I’m trying not to let my anxiety make me paranoid, but…this seems…dubious to me. This is a boy who has texted me to enumerate every little bit of tidying he’s done around my place when I wasn’t here. He likes to impress me and he likes to get credit for things. Also I can’t actually remember the last time he was “only a few minutes late.” I mean, I know it’s happened. But possibly not since before we broke up that time.

Anyway. Even after I vented I didn’t feel quite back to my normal self yet. Sex was still had but I felt ever-so-slightly cold and removed. It made it easier to boss him around without second-guessing myself, though, so that was a perk I guess.

Oh, and! Before that visit even happened, we had a text conversation where I explicitly said to him (as I’d been meaning to for ages) that I say mushy things to him because I want to, not to try to push for a response in kind – so basically, if I drop the odd “I love you” on him that he shouldn’t feel obligated to say it back. I said I feel loved through other means anyway so the words aren’t that important from him.

He replied with a thumbs-up emoticon but (unsurprisingly) didn’t think to ask what those things are that make me feel loved.

And then that visit happened where I was an afterthought to a concert and he arrived late and blah blah blah and I realized that I have very much not been getting what I need from him lately. That pilot light I used to have in my chest for him – the one he kept stoked with phone calls and dinners out and whatnot – that’s gone out.

A while back, I started drafting an email explaining exactly what I need from him in order to be happy. At the time it was meant as a response to him expressing worry that I might suddenly break up with him again; I wanted him to be able to look at this list of things and see that he was doing most of them and therefore I must surely be happy and not about to bail. I didn’t sent the email then, though; I can’t remember why. Tonight I revamped it and sent it off, although now it has more of a “you seem to have been backsliding lately when it comes to relationship stuff; here is what I need from you; if you can’t do it, let me know” flavour to it.

I’m sure he’ll be absolutely befuddled by the discussion of feelings and needs and go silent on me for a week or two as he digests what I’ve said, so I’m bracing myself for that.

I’m fairly sure he won’t (eventually) respond to me that he can’t do the things I want. But that doesn’t necessarily mean he will do the things. Just means he can’t admit defeat.

Oh funny story though – I slipped the fact that I’m in love with him (vs. just loving him) into the email. That’s how he’s gonna learn about that development – in a message where I’m otherwise telling him that I’m kind of unhappy and needing some changes. Oh well. Maybe I’d’ve had a good opportunity to tell him to his face if he were here more often and not pissing me off. Just saying.

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