I don’t wanna get bogged down in a whole lot of detail and end up typing all night but I do want to vent so let me just say: during The Pedant’s visit I decided to expand his sexual range with me a bit by letting him hold the Hitachi for the first time in months if not years*. He’s been seeming more receptive to my instructions these days and I figured hey, how hard is it to hold a vibrator in a certain spot and wiggle it back and forth for 2-5 minutes?
Apparently The Pedant can’t grasp this simple fucking thing. I did manage to orgasm, just barely; I focused in as hard as I could and he managed to stick with one motion for a few minutes. But I need very consistent stimulation in order to get off and I’ve told him this many times, including right when I handed him the Hitachi. And he kept switching things up! He’d find a spot and a motion that I liked and I’d say “Yes just keep doing exactly that” and then a minute later he’d just randomly start trying different things. And when he found some other thing that I liked I’d say “Just like that, keep doing that” again and he’d keep going for a minute or two and then the whole cycle would repeat.
Also he was so tone-deaf about my body language that I actually felt the need to tell him “Hey just so you know if my hips are cringing away from you it probably means you’re too directly on the tip of my clit or you’re using too much pressure. If my hips come up it means I’m enjoying what you’re doing.” Telling him this made no appreciable difference in his approach.
Later, I asked him why he kept changing things up when I’d told him to just do one thing steadily. He looked surprised and said he didn’t realize he was changing anything up. This is an intelligent man in his 30s who doesn’t have any symptoms of ADD that I can see, yet somehow he can’t differentiate between back-and-forth vs. up-and-down or focus long enough to keep doing the same thing for five whole minutes. Dammit, Pedant, you had one job.
I was so pissed off at this whole turn of events that I lay there most of the night seething and unable to sleep. As The Pedant dozed off I said “I want you to learn how to get me off really well.” He murmured something like “I would like that” or “that sounds like a good idea” and that made me seethe even more because we have been dating for years. If someone you’ve been dating for years indicates that you’re not good at satisfying them and need intensive lessons – and they’ve been saying this for a pretty long time – it seems like a little chagrin is in order, not just cheerful acquiescence. It also seems like he should be trying harder to, y’know, actually learn how my body works. He seems to genuinely want to get me off and yet he just won’t fucking listen to anything I try to teach him. I don’t understand. I feel like I’m banging my head against a wall.
I’m underslept lately and my anxiety is (therefore) really bad but right now I feel like the relationship might be doomed.
I was actually fairly happy with our routine of me getting myself off while he cuddled or dildo-fucked me. But then he went and implied that I wasn’t orgasming when and how he would have preferred and that just opened a whole can of worms for me. I mean, seriously? I lavish attention on him for hours at a time, read his responses expertly, get him off so hard he loses consciousness afterward, and not only has he not seen fit to reciprocate at remotely the same level but then he has the gall to tell me that it would really turn him on an awful lot more if I orgasmed from X and Y instead of just Z? Fuck off.
I’ve told him he’s awful at a bunch of stuff. I’ve given him basic, 101-level training like “If I’m clearly trying to get away from your touch it means I’m not having fun” and describing exactly what my orgasms look and sound like even after he’d seen me come hundreds of times, since apparently he still hadn’t picked up on my patterns. I’ve said “Okay so in order to orgasm I need you to hold the Hitachi just above the tip of my clit with medium pressure and kind of wiggle it back and forth and maintain the exact same motion steadily” and then when he was doing what I liked I said “Just like that. Exactly like that. Don’t stop. Don’t change anything.” And he’s still not getting it. And I’m feeling resentful. And when I try to talk to him about this stuff I see his face close down and get defensive – he really really wants to believe he’s great in bed and he kind of won’t let himself hear anything different. So I don’t know what to do.
*For those of you who haven’t been following this whole saga, I love this boy but for a long time he was just painfully terrible at getting me off. I repeatedly told him what I needed. He repeatedly ignored it. And finally I wrote a very frank – some might say cruel – email telling him just how shitty he was. That helped somewhat but by this time I didn’t trust him to touch my delicate areas at all so basically I started getting myself off whenever I was with him, and letting him do G-spot stuff (the one thing he does in a way I consistently like) to help me out.