The first time The Pedant and I dated, I was miserable and paranoid when he wasn’t there, and questioned whether he even had feelings for me. This time around I’ve mostly been happy, but I think he’s either backsliding into old behaviours or going through a temporary rough patch.
It is the curse of my life that I crave partner-snuggles when I’m doing badly but most of my partners in recent years have been the type who want to be alone when they’re doing badly. Last time The Pedant came over – which you may recall he did with apparent reluctance, citing errands that needed doing and a chronic lack of sleep – I pointed out that I seem to have ways of making him sleep really well so maybe instead of avoiding my company during his insomniac periods, he should embrace it. He said that he just really, really needs to be by himself when he’s burned out. My presence doesn’t seem to recharge him the way his recharges me.
So when – a week or so after his last visit, when I was entering into the horndog week of my cycle – he warned me that he’d be going silent for a while because underslept, I knew not to be all “NO! SEX NAO PLZ” and simply wished him productive hermit-time.
Five days after that I told him I’ve been missing him and asked if he was still hermitting. And he said yeah, kind of. I made him promise it was really just a bad mood and nothing to do with me, and I told him I’d try to hold out a little longer.
Today – two days later – I was like “Yup okay I’ve hit some critical point here and I want you to come over soon please.” I’d even had nakedtimes with two other guys since I last saw The Pedant, and that helped a little – I’m not feeling deprived of touch right now. Just deprived of him. I mean the thing is I feel the most connected to him when we’re fucking, and it’s been three weeks or so since the last time I’ve gotten to do that. And also he seems to have fallen out of the habit of calling me every few days, and he’s been texting less than usual, so I’m back to that feeling of “Does he even remember I exist right now?”
I also feel deprived of the glorious sense of dominance and power The Pedant gives me. Mine doesn’t quite hit those buttons for me – at least not anymore. The other boy doesn’t quite do it, either. I want The Pedant and his almost-instant subspace and his pretty, pretty moans.
It’s really, really hard for me to ask for time with a partner when I suspect they might not want to give it. I like it when a partner makes other kinds of sacrifices for me, but spending time with me when he doesn’t actually wanna be there? How can I even enjoy that? And I know that relationships require compromise and it’s not necessarily a bad thing for me to be like “Ideally I’d want to see you every two weeks, maybe more” and for him to say “Every three weeks works better for me” and for both of us to compromise where sometimes he comes over more than is optimal for him and sometimes I do without him longer than is optimal for me. I can see that asking for his company is not an inherently bad thing. But it still feels like I’m being unreasonable or something.
At any rate, as soon as I asked, The Pedant said he could probably manage this weekend (and today is Wednesday). So…that was easy. Why was that so easy? Maybe his antisocial periods aren’t actually as antisocial as I’m picturing? Like, he’d prefer to be alone but maybe doesn’t need to be, per se? Also, when we were trying to figure out how to make our schedules mesh he mentioned that he’s going to a concert tonight. Sooooo maybe his antisocial phase is coming to an end. If that’s the case, I wish he’d initiated a visit with me. I’ve been quite clear about wanting to see him. I think pretty soon I’m gonna have to send him that email draft where I detailed what I need from him in order to be happy.