One of the ironies of The Pedant openly yearning for me to orgasm in ways that aren’t possible for me is that he may have made it impossible…by pressuring me too hard.
I mean, okay. Y’know how I told him my sexual functioning is all off-kilter? Part of this is that I don’t get boners anymore. I didn’t fully realize this until I woke up from a sexy dream a while back and went to um “relieve the tension” and I was erect for a change. It had been so long that I’d forgotten what an actual clitoral erection felt like (felt like against my fingers and felt like in and of itself). I’d been mistaking just, like, the fact that my clit exists and is a longish thinnish structure for actually pitching a tent. Anyway, by some freak occurrence I had an erection for the first time in maybe years, and it made me feel way more turned on than usual (powerful tingling/throbbing) and it was way easier to get off than usual. Like literally under thirty seconds, just rubbing with my fingers. No Hitachi.
And the thing is, I still had my boner powers for the first little while that The Pedant and I were fucking. The first time we hooked up he was able to get me off with his hand, and during subsequent visits when I had him use the Hitachi on me (because he kept touching my clit in ways that were both painful and boring, somehow), I remember hating his habit of pushing my legs far apart because that made the vibrator clunk painfully against my boner (when my legs are more closed, my mons and labia bunch up or something, and make more of a cushiony buffer around my clitoris…).
So I was still having erections when The Pedant and I started dating. And then I wasn’t anymore. Unsure if correlation or causation. Maybe it would be jumping the gun to blame this on The Pedant. But looking back at my blog entries about him, I was feeling pretty much from the beginning that he was casually dismissing my stated sexual needs and that every encounter we had was an exasperating, grueling fight with him over how my body works. Like by the third time we hooked up I was giving up on trying to come because he wasn’t doing what I wanted and I felt it would be useless to say anything. It actually got to a point where I dreaded him trying to get me off because he just ignored my directions and hurt me every time. It doesn’t seem exactly far-fetched that he may have scared my erections away.
I used to be able to get off just by rubbing my clit with my fingers, or from someone else doing so – and it took two minutes, tops. I used to be able to get off from oral, sometimes, if my partner was persistent. I used to be able to get off by humping things, sometimes. I used to be able to get off by using a vibrator while on my hands and knees, or using a vibrator while sitting up and riding my strap-on that I’d strapped to a pillow. And now I can’t, and based on the night-and-day difference between my typical responses of late and that one freak time that I woke up pitching a tent, I’m gonna say it’s the erections that made the difference.
So: I can’t do things like get off while astride The Pedant, and there’s a not-insignificant chance that it’s because he tries to insist that I get off while astride him.