Lonely

I’ve been in need of physical closeness lately. Specifically, I desperately want to have someone I trust pet my skin until I have a braingasm and probably a stress-relief cry. AssholeBrain has been acting up and I am not doing well lately. Petgasms reset me somewhat and make me a bit better. Minx could help with this, or Mine, but they are both slightly problematic because we are not exactly dating anymore and the boundaries are fuzzy. I have a boy I see sometimes who would be outstanding for petgasms but he lives in another city and is usually too broke to come by. The Pedant is my best bet here, and the one I want most. I feel safest with him, emotionally, in that he loves me and I love him back.

The other day I texted The Pedant “I want your hands on me.” At the time I was deluding myself that this was a desire of a sexual nature and not a cry for help.

He didn’t get around to answering, and in the meantime I went out dancing with a friend. This was not a nightclub thing, it’s this hippie-dippy thing in a community centre and there’s a bit of meditation at the beginning and end. For the opening meditation the host said the theme of the night was “letting go” and had us all breathe deeply and then hum/yell/howl/whatever on the exhale. I couldn’t make a sound. I can’t be that unguarded in a room of mostly-strangers. Really, even the dancing part of the evening stressed me out a bit because it’s such a brightly lit room and everyone else seems to be way more coordinated than I am and I feel clumsy and judged (I’ve been to this event once before so I know how it affects me).

And it made me feel so lonely, knowing that everyone else was all relaxed and uninhibited and experiencing some big communal sense of acceptance and safety that I just couldn’t feel, that I started to cry. Except I couldn’t stand to be doing that in public, either, so I just lay there amongst all the other meditating people and clenched my entire body up as tears streamed out of the corners of my eyes.

When the meditation was done and the music started up, I was still nowhere near ready to face people. I sat against the wall with my forehead on my knees for a song or two, still fighting off a massive cry attack. It was more crowded that night than the other time I went, too, which wasn’t helping. Too many vibes. Too much noise in my head.

And that’s when I realized that I wanted to be curled up with my face in The Pedant’s chest and his arms around me and his almost preternaturally smooth fingertips gliding over my spine more than anything else in the world.

I did manage to dance a bit, and even to have fun sometimes. The fun came and went. I was still overwhelmed by all the people. On balance I would say it was good that I got out of the house, but that coffee with my friend would have been a better choice than the hippie dance thing.

After the dancing, I checked my phone. The Pedant had replied to my request for his hands with “That can probably be arranged.”

“Tell me when,” I said.

The next day (which is today) he texted: “It might be a while  before I can come over again. I’ve fallen behind on a bunch of things, and haven’t been getting enough sleep at home as a result. I need this weekend to catch up on everything.”

By this point I was full-out in withdrawal. I’m cranky and twitchy and constantly feel about fifteen seconds away from a massive crying jag. My skin wants petting so much that I almost ache.

I happened to know that The Pedant has an early shift on Saturday so his evening is technically free. So in desperation I said “Compromise: Saturday after work for a few hours (or sleep here and leave with me Sunday morning before I go to work). I’m sort of dangerously touch-deprived. And if there are any errands I can help with (like simple things you need bought) I am more than happy to do that for you Sat during the day.”

The Pedant said: “I can come by for a few hours on Saturday but I would have to make it home by late Sunday morning. That’s the absolute best I can do and even that is going to cost me.”

Does anyone else find his defensiveness a bit weird? I asked him to come over for a few hours and he said yes. I’m getting what I want. Why is he stressing that this is the “absolute best he can do” like he thinks I’m gonna get mad? Also I hate that he had to mention that I’d be keeping him from doing shit he needs to do. My thought is, either agree to help me out and STFU about it, or say no because you’re too busy. Don’t accept but then make me feel guilty about it. I might normally have said this to him and told him to just forget it and go get shit done, but I’m not doing well. I mean I am really Not Okay. So I’m taking him up on his offer.

I did however want to make it clear how much I appreciated his sacrifice, and reassure him that I won’t overstep my bounds: “I’ll be leaving for work by 9am Sun so I couldn’t keep you if I tried. Srsly, let me know if there’s any errand I can take off your hands. I will free up your time as much as I possibly can. Also let me know if there’s any food or drink you’d like me to have on hand. Going grocery shopping in a bit.”

He said, “You’ve got plenty of soda and I can eat everything you can. Don’t worry about errands.” Which sounds to me like he’s not particularly mad at me for insisting on seeing him. Right? Someone reassure me. It’s gonna tie me in all kinds of knots if I think he’s only coming over grudgingly.

The fact that he said “don’t worry about errands” and not “unfortunately it’s all stuff I need to do personally” or similar makes me wonder if he actually does have stuff to do. I strongly suspect that sometimes “Oh I have all this stuff to do” is code for “I need to be alone to recharge.” Which I would absolutely understand and respect (except in emergencies like today), but it sounds like a lot of his exes didn’t really “get” his need for alone-time and probably took it personally.

Also I do think he has attachment issues, and feels antsy about our relationship sometimes just on principle and needs to back off for a while to prove he’s not too attached to me.

So what I think might be happening here is: I told him I wanted him, he  automatically went to arrange a visit but then thought “Noooo I will not be at her beck and call I am an INDEPENDENT PERSON and I’m gonna stay home and do fun stuff alone instead” – but then I made it clear it’s kind of urgent so he relented. And maybe felt bad about faking “errands” when he saw how grateful I was to him for ostensibly postponing them for me. And when he comes over here we’ll have all teh secks and snuggles and he probably won’t resent me.

I just have to hold out til tomorrow. In the meantime I’m gonna go out dancing with that same guy friend – to a nightclub this time – and I’m so fucking backed up I’m afraid of hitting on him and getting myself into a mess.

1 Comment

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One response to “Lonely

  1. Ouch…sorry you aching, and I hope tomorrow works out. Wish I had something more than platitudes. Regardless, thank you for staying real on here.

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