Pretty much as soon as The Pedant woke up, he was like “Okay. So what else did I say we were going to tackle around the house today?” It may not be obvious just from reading those words on a screen but the vibe he gave off (it seemed to me, anyway) was that he was so grateful for the sex that he was super keen to show his appreciation by doing a bunch more practical stuff for me. Which sounds like we might just be in an endless, self-feeding cycle of him being good to me because sex and me happily lavishing sexual attention on him because he’s so good to me. And since I love the sex and I’m pretty sure he enjoys helping people get their lives in order, EVERYONE WINS.
Srsly, this relationship has really made me realize how much compatible love languages can keep things running smoothly. We seem to each express love exactly the way the other needs to hear it, and because it’s our natural form of expression, it’s easy. We’re just being ourselves and the other person gets all wibbly over it. Awesome.
So, The Pedant helped me re-shave my head and de-clutter my apartment a bit, and I made us dinner, and then I had to start getting ready because I’d agreed to go dancing with a friend that night.
The Pedant actually had the next day off, too, but had said that he needed to spend it getting stuff done at home. I invited him to come clubbing with me and my friend for an hour or two before he went home. TBH my main reason for asking was that my friend had asked me to meet him at the club and it twigged my anxiety pretty badly to do that.
Initially The Pedant agreed to come out with me, but then he said he was still “partied out” from the night before so he wouldn’t, after all. Fair enough. I’d just have to deal with the nightclub thing on my own.
We were out of lint rollers and the outfit I wanted to wear (the only one I could wear, because reasons) was covered in cat hair. The Pedant said he would pick up some more lint rollers on the way home and if I came with him, he’d de-fur me before I went and met my friend. Oddly, the drug store he proposed we go to was in the direction of downtown, where I was going – not in the actual direction of his house. It was 10pm on a Saturday so a lot of drug stores would be closed, but surely there was an all-night one somewhere in his direction. But I think he was just wanting to buy more time with me. 🙂
After the drug store we popped into a convenience store so The Pedant could get a slushy drink. By this point I’d realized that I hadn’t eaten nearly enough dinner to sustain me for a night of dancing, and I saw that the store had my favourite brand of protein bar, so I grabbed one of those and a small bottle of water to wash it down. When we got up to the cash register, The Pedant plucked these items out of my hands and paid for them along with his drink. I hadn’t expected that because a) he’d told me he would be curtailing his spending and b) we weren’t technically on an outing together – just winding things up before I left to do something else – so this seemed technically out of his jurisdiction.
Then we found a well-lit area and lint-brushed ourselves and each other, and The Pedant asked me which route I’d be taking to the club – meaning, where would we be parting company so I could go south and he could continue west to his home? Would it be at this major intersection or the next one? The club was between the two.
I said I preferred to take the southbound bus at the next intersection because that’s the way I’ve always gone to this club and the thought of arriving alone was making me anxious in the first place so I really didn’t want to add any unpredictable variables.
“Well, I can accompany you! All you had to do was ask.”
“I’m coming with you,” The Pedant said, sounding kind of dutiful and resigned.
“Ehhhh your tone doesn’t sound exactly thrilled, so just…don’t.”
“No, seriously. I’ll come with you and drop you off. Why didn’t you tell me this was making you anxious?”
A few different answers bumped around in my head. “Because my brain shit isn’t your responsibility,” I said, finally.
“Fair enough,” The Pedant said, “but I mean – I’ll still come with you. You only had to ask.”
“Okay,” I said cautiously. “I accept your offer of accompaniment.” But seriously, I’m feeling so conflicted. On one hand, The Pedant does seem to thrive on helping the people he loves. On the other hand, he’s flat-out disparaged people who have anxiety and said he can’t stand to be around them when it flares up. He’s flat-out said that he is not a good bet for giving emotional support in times of crisis. So what the fuck am I supposed to think, here? How could I possibly not be under the impression that if I lean on The Pedant too much, he’ll inevitably become disgusted by my weakness and bail?
I mean I know that what The Pedant says often doesn’t match up with his actions, but my overwhelming past experience with guys is that they love to white knight me in the beginning, but once it’s clear that I can’t be rescued – that their gestures help me in the moment but don’t fix me forever – they get bored or annoyed or exhausted and they leave. Why should The Pedant be any different?
But I let him accompany me to the door of the club, and I gave him a whole lot of extended goodbye kisses before we parted company. I didn’t thank him, since, again, apparently he feels like this sort of gesture is just par for the course and not anything that deserves gratefulness. Or something. But I hope he’s not offended by me basically radiating love at him when he does shit for me because that’s what ends up happening and it’s not something I can control.
I’m still not going to let myself fully lean on him for support, though. No matter how much he might tell me I’m welcome to. I’ll reveal some of my anxiety issues to him, I’ll let him help me with select crises that I know he’d handle efficiently, but I won’t tell him every time things are going badly with me, or let him know the full extent. I’m not stupid.