Since The Pedant has dropped hints that he’s afraid of me breaking up with him out of the blue, and I told him as long as my needs are being met I won’t do that, I thought it would be a good idea to specify what those needs are. That way he can comfort himself knowing that he’s definitely doing the things I want, and I have a better chance of getting what I want because he knows what it is.

I’m not gonna send him this just yet, since we just got back to normal-ish and apparently thought-provoking emails about our relationship clog his brain up to where he can’t even text a simple “hello” to me. But it’s saved as a draft and awaiting its time.

Once I finished writing it, I was surprised by how short and simple it actually is. Look:


Here is a concrete and hopefully clear list of my expectations/needs from you in this relationship. Do the things I say here and the relationship stays happy and functional whether you understand the “whys” behind it all or not.

You do most of these already, hence my still being here after however many years.

Disclaimer: I AM NOT AN INFLEXIBLE MONSTER. I do not expect all of these things to be adhered to in perfect lockstep every minute or else I’ll flamboyantly show myself the door. Life happens; I get it. I have room for leniency, and if things slip to a point where I’m consistently unhappy, I’ll say so – I won’t just walk away. Only if things can’t or don’t change after that do we likely have a problem.

General relationship stuff: I need the following things in order to feel happy and secure in a partnership:


– A visit every two weeks (minimum), preferably overnight and preferably incorporating sex. After two weeks without your touch I start REALLY going squirrelly, like to a point of physical discomfort, soooo yeah.

– Some form of remote contact (texting etc.) every couple of days (doesn’t have to be some big epic thing. TBH times that you called me and I wasn’t available, your “missed call” notification in and of itself registered for me as “he’s thinking of me/present in my life, d’awwwwww.” We didn’t even have to actually talk for the call to mean something)


– Give me a heads-up if you’re going to be busy/silent for an unusually long time.

– Give me a heads-up about any development in your life that might affect our relationship in some way.

– Let me know if something is bothering you before it gets to the critical point.


I interpret certain actions/gestures as love. And I WANT to feel loved in a romantic relationship, obviously. So it behooves anyone I’m with to do at least some of the following things, some of the time. The main things that rock my world, in no particular order:

– Feed me

– Do (or procure) things that make my life easier/better

– Touch me affectionately

– Submit to me (in the bdsm sense)

– Fuck me/give me orgasms

Basically, take care of my physical needs, is what I’m saying. Plus BDSM which is squarely an emotional need for me.

That’s it. That’s all I can think of as far as keeping the relationship stable and on-track. Pretty simple, yeah?

Feel free to send me a similar list of your own, if you’d like.

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