A small epiphany

Or maybe not. Maybe I’ve had the same epiphany before. I can never remember shit and often will come to the same astounding realizations about myself over and over.

But anyway.

I remember one time when I was in high school a friend and I were hanging out in the lunch room or somewhere and I suddenly got the creeping feeling that someone was standing right behind me.

I leaned over to my friend and murmured “Is there someone behind me?” She didn’t hear me and was like what? And I said, more insistently but still quietly, “Is. There. Someone. Behind. Me.”

She glanced behind us – there was nobody there – and then laughed at me a bunch and said “Why didn’t you just look?”

Which…yeah. My reaction would have been really weird by most people’s standards. I see that now. But, see, I got bullied in public school. A lot. And one of the many things people would do to torment me is, like, sneak up behind me real close and just…stand there. And when I noticed and flinched it was like “BAH HA HA YOU DIDN’T KNOW I WAS THERE AND THEN YOU WERE SURPRISED YOU LOSER HA HA.”

Today (Wednesday), after not having heard from The Pedant since Saturday, I texted him “Yo, Silent Boy. Everything okay?”

I say I “texted” him but actually we use BlackBerry Messenger, which shows you the status of a message to a much greater degree than texting does. And for a couple hours the messages showed as not even having been delivered – meaning The Pedant’s phone wasn’t currently receiving any signal.

There are legitimate, non-sinister reasons why this could happen. The Pedant is a security guard; maybe he was patrolling the basement of his building. He keeps odd hours; maybe today is a day off for him and he shut off the phone and is sleeping in. Maybe his battery ran out.

But then AssholeBrain sidled up and whispered in my ear “Hey remember that chick from work whose boyfriend of three years broke up with her by getting a new phone number and just never contacting her again? Maybe The Pedant is doing that. You never know…”

I think…I think AssholeBrain maybe isn’t actually trying to be an asshole. I think  AssholeBrain simply wants me to always be prepared for every possible eventuality so that nobody can ever go “HA HA HA YOU’RE SUCH A LOSER FOR BEING SURPRISED” ever again. I’ll still get hurt and it’ll still suck but at least I won’t give anyone the satisfaction of looking gobsmacked by it. I’ll always just be like “Yeah, I’d considered the possibility that this might happen, and here it is.”

The thing is, though, this need to be prepared is leading to a lot of overthinking that clogs up my brain and makes me afraid of things that often don’t end up happening. So it’s not actually beneficial to me.

So how do I stop?





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4 responses to “A small epiphany

  1. cvbcvb

    while airbnb, thy were gonna sleep in the library, homeless style.

  2. cvbcvb

    ther is the dbt technique to also imagine the best possible ever scenario and then, in the end, the most probable one in the middle, but i guess there is more nuance to t than that. oh, and the very worst one, but use humorous overcatastrophizing.

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