Additional notes

When The Pedant and I first went into the bedroom, I sat on the edge of the bed and he stood in front of me with an anticipatory air.

I had decided to myself already that I would ask him to apply moisturizer to my arms and then maybe give me a shoulder massage before the sexual festivities began. Funny how a person assumes that other people’s brains work like theirs and then things don’t pan out and it’s a disappointment: to me his applying the lotion would have been a submissive act – part of the foreplay, really. And I just kind of assumed that when I asked him to do that stuff, he’d kneel. But he didn’t kneel. He didn’t sit beside me on the bed like we were a normal egalitarian couple, either. He remained standing and had to awkwardly bend over to reach me. I think me actually telling him to kneel must be a big thing for him, and that if he starts in a standing position it has more impact because the level of his head changes the most or whatever.

When I finally did tell him to kneel, he gave a tiny little gasp of arousal. He gasped again just at the sound of me opening the drawer where I keep his collar. There seems to be a lot of Pavlovian shit at play here. At some point I must experiment with making him kneel, putting the collar on him, and then asking him to put lotion on me or get me off or whatever. See if that puts him in the headspace that he’s serving me, not topping me or doing a chore.

On one hand I like the idea of having a trick that instantly toggles The Pedant’s headspace into something compliant and servile. On the other hand, I’m not a huge fan of rituals. If it’s assumed that I’ll make him kneel and put his collar on him every time we’re about to have sex, that’s like…too much buildup, or something. My intentions would be telegraphed too clearly so that suddenly I’d feel put under a microscope. Also, of course, there’s the obvious double-edged sword that if the collar toggles him over, not doing the collar ritual thing means he won’t be in that headspace, or at least not as much. And ideally I’d want him to feel submissive to me all the time whether his collar was on or not. I’d rather try to foster that than an instant Pavlovian toggle-thing.

Oh also I realized that I’ve become even more obsessed than ever with fucking The Pedant (to a point where I feel like I’m following him around trying to pique his interest every moment that he’s here, and it’s becoming embarrassing) and the reason is obvious: I want a D/s relationship and The Pedant only submits to me sexually. For me to get that one huuuge important component of a relationship, I need to be fucking him. There’s no other way.

So the question now becomes: can I nudge him toward seeing everything he does for me as an act of submission? Can I subtly get him to take orders outside his normal scope and revel in it?

Yeah, I’ll admit it, I don’t want to try to communicate with him about this using my words like a grown-up. Mostly because I think if I ask for a broader scope of submission from him, he’ll say no – not even because he doesn’t want to submit, necessarily, but because the idea of full-time submission doesn’t jive with his image of himself.

I prefer, at this juncture, to try to influence him in more subtle ways. I think it can be done.

It’s clear that he wants to impress me and make me happy. He started tidying my place on a regular basis after I commented randomly that I wish I could find a sub into domestic service. After he took me to sushi the other night I hugged him, thanked him, and said “I swoon so hard for people who feed me.” Later this visit he was extremely attentive to my food needs, checking in to see if I was hungry when we were out and about and buying me snacks that would work with my various food restrictions. I don’t think he’s ever done that before (bought me meals, yes; lots. Catered to the whims of my stomach all day long? No.).

And every damn time I finish a meal he bought me or an orgasm he helped give me, he smiles and says “feeling better?” or “are you glad I came over?” so he seems to thrive on – and solicit, if he hasn’t gotten it – praise for the things he does.

The thing to do, I think, is say little things that contextualize more and more of what he does as service. Like telling him he’s a good boy after he gives me a massage. Or telling him I’m happy to have his mighty brain and/or muscles at my disposal when he helps me carry cat litter home or gives me tech support. That sort of thing.

The tricky part will be shifting things from our current paradigm of him guessing at the nonsexual things I might want and just doing them without asking, to him either asking me what he can do for me or obeying orders. For that, I may need to use my words.

In the meantime though I’ll see how much of a change I can effect via subtle conditioning.

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