A letter and a conversation.

Last week I sent The Pedant a second love letter. This one was basically a poem explaining that playing with and fucking him stills my anxietybrain and basically reduces all my whirling thoughts down to a clean, simple “what will I do next?”

I curled the poem up into a sort of scroll (which got mashed flat once it was in the envelope, but still), tied a red ribbon around it, and also enclosed a little red glass heart cabochon that I already had kicking around from an old craft project. He seems like the kind of person who would appreciate little flourishes like this.

I’d assumed he would receive the letter without comment (like the last one), but yesterday morning he texted me: “I opened your letter this morning. You’re very kind. :)” That’s been his standard response to any sort of compliment lately and it sort of baffles me. My liking to fuck him is entirely selfish. My need to tell him about it is entirely selfish, too. The only kindness here is that I took the trouble to do it via snail mail and make it pretty. But it behooves me to let him think my natural behaviours are some big gesture of awesomeness he should be thankful for, so I’ve stopped trying to argue with him about it. 😛

But if you’ll recall, I went into this whole letter writing thing kind of assuming that The Pedant wouldn’t acknowledge whatever I sent. Which indeed he didn’t. Except this time he did, which threw me for a loop. So I skipped over the typical “Oh gosh it was nothing” type responses to his thank-you and went straight to “Your acknowledgement of this one suddenly makes me wonder whether the other (from months ago) ever got there…”

“It did. I thought I thanked you for that one!”

“Nope! Shrouded in mystery. And I assumed you were just a person who is reticent about such things. Until now.” (Separate message, after pondering for a few minutes) “I’ve realized that my brain is very very fixated on finding patterns. To a point where I will extrapolate a pattern where none exists. Which explains why I value consistency in people, like, an absurd amount. Nice clear if/thens.”

He replied, “You’ve sent me two pieces of mail. That’s not enough to establish a pattern.”

“Not when you react (or not) differently to each, no. Hence my request for clarification.”

Anyway. I’m happy because:

a) I definitely know now that The Pedant received my first, much mushier letter. And clearly the mushiness was welcomed because he continued being just as awesome with me as he always is.

b) I know that he received this letter and liked it.

c) I had an opportunity to explain a bit to him about how my brain works.

The Pedant used to be spectacularly obtuse and not pick up on pretty obvious things that I told him – like if I said “My ex used to talk about other women while we were fucking and I hated it” he somehow couldn’t make the leap of logic to realize that probably he shouldn’t talk about other women while we were fucking, either. But I dunno…he seems to be paying more attention now, or something. So the info I give him might actually stick.

Actually lately he’s been making references to conversations we had years ago that even I can barely remember. I’m astounded to realize he was actually paying attention. It blows me away.

Tangent: one of the convos he referenced was the time I explained to him about the Five Love Languages, almost three years ago. He told me that he never did understand the concept. I gave him a very simple synopsis and he said he still wasn’t getting it. He…really doesn’t seem to grasp emotional-related things at all. But it’s not that urgent to me anymore that I figure him out. He gives me exactly what I need and he seems pretty happy with things on his end so meh.

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