Postscript

I often have a hard time coming, with The Pedant. In the sense that I find myself wondering what he’s thinking/if he’s even into this/etc., and it throws me off. I try to shut my thoughts up and tell myself not to worry about it and I do come, eventually.

Ever since we established that I’m the boss of him in bed, I’ve been combating those “but what if he’s not enjoying getting me off?” worries with “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT HE THINKS OR FEELS. He’s a fucktoy whose purpose is to please you however you want.” And I come pretty much immediately. Not sure if it’s because objectifying him turns me on, or if I’m simply reassured by our D/s dynamic (as in, maybe he isn’t like “wheeeee!” every single minute that he’s finger-fucking me or whatever, but he essentially agreed to sex me any time I demanded it so he must at least be enjoying this in a meta way).

Also, though, he’s kind of an odd duck in that when he’s pleasuring me he never makes eye contact or even looks at my face. Usually he rests his head on my stomach. Which in some ways makes me feel less self-conscious than staring at me would (’cause he’s not seeing my goofy O-face or sitting there trying to analyze how close I am by my expression) and in some ways makes me feel more self-conscious (is he even in this with me? I feel like I’m being administered to, like a very weird doctor’s examination or something…).

I think/hope that this is just because he puts himself under a lot of performance pressure and maybe needs to focus on what his hands are doing so as not to fuck up his rhythm. Truth be told, I too sometimes have to stare at my own hands giving a hand job because glancing up and seeing my partner getting close – his face flushing, his neck muscles tensing, his eyes rolling back – will make me go “Oh god I’d better make sure I keep a steady rhythm so I don’t throw him off but oh shit I have completely forgotten what I’m doing it’s like my hands belong to someone else what even is this.”

For the record, I usually have a slightly easier time orgasming with people who are not The Pedant. Which makes me wonder whether my libido/sexual functioning issues are psychological rather than physiological. Certainly my sexless marriage, rapidly-more-sexless-toward-the-end-there relationships with Minx and The Bunny, and initially super argumentative, “stop-telling-me-how-my-body-works-dammit,” “why is our orgasm ratio so imbalanced” relationship with The Pedant have affected me. I mean I’m still trying to get over some of the scars.

But my marriage was the most hurtful time of my life as far as feeling undesirable goes and I still managed to be a walking clitoral erection during that entire time (even though I stopped masturbating because it felt like I was pity-fucking myself and just made me depressed). So I can’t help thinking that my issues now are physical.

If it is a psychological thing I don’t know how the hell to fix it. There is no logical reason why issues with a partner should affect my libido or orgasms when I’m alone. If I’m actively angry at a partner then yes, I have a hard time masturbating to orgasm because my default wank fantasies are always about whoever I’m seeing and if I’m mad at them I can’t really get off to them. But I’m not angry with The Pedant. Our sex life is getting better and better, and when I masturbate I think about him pretty much every time.

And yet a) I never get erections anymore (which explains why I need major vibration and pressure now in order to orgasm – I’m flogging a limp clit) and b) the sexy thoughts in my brain are no longer hooked up to my crotch (hence the erectile dysfunction, I guess). I’m never tingly and horny and needing to orgasm, anymore. I’m vaguely titillated and having sex thoughts so I decide to orgasm, to prove to myself that I still can.

I’ve also been having this thing for the past few years where I can’t/don’t enjoy wallowing in kinky fantasies anymore. And it’s kind of a chicken/egg situation – am I not fantasizing because my libido is messed up, or am I stopping myself from fantasizing about kinky stuff and this in turn squashes my libido down (since kink comprises the majority of my sex drive, anyway).

Like, I’ll try to daydream about the kinds of violent, sadistic things that used to turn my crank, and my brain immediately says “nope” and changes the subject, and I don’t know if this is some belated weird guilt reflex over the sicko things I find appealing or if there’s a physical ailment killing my boner so my mind just wanders because there’s nothing keeping it on kink.

I have a doctor appointment this week though and hopefully I’ll start getting some answers, or possible avenues to answers.

 

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