Ambiguity

Hung out with The Bunny recently. I decided that I need photos of me striking some of the poses I do at work, in order to market myself to new people or prove to existing people that I deserve a raise. Not naked pics, though – shorts and a sports bra. Nudity is for when I’m actually being paid. šŸ˜› The Bunny agreed to take said photos.

Once I got there and thawed a bit (I had accidentally dressed far too lightly for the weather) I headed to the bathroom to change and The Bunny was like “Pfft. Where you going?” as in, why be so formal when he’s seen me naked anyway? I was in fact fine with changing in front of him and had only been leaving the room in caseĀ he felt uncomfortable, so I shrugged, pulled my dress off over my head right there in his bedroom, and turned my back to swap the push-up bra I was wearing for the sports bra I’d brought with me.

Pics were taken and then The Bunny shaved his head (he’d had me bring my head-shaver just in case but he ended up not needing it). He lets his hair grow all winter and then shaves it around springtime and I guess he decided that day was the day. He took his shirt off for this, and had me help get some bits that he missed. Since the photo-taking was over and I didn’t want to seem like I was being gratuitously scantily cladĀ at him, I endeavoured to change back into my regular clothes; however, there was a big wet spot on the ribcage area of my dress (no idea why) and it felt so icky that I couldn’t deal with it. I draped the dress over his space heater and we conducted our haircutting business with him in just jeans and me in my shorts and push-up bra. At one point he asked me if the bra was new; I told him yeah, but I think I bought the wrong size by accident. HeĀ reachedĀ out and honked my boob (although the bra is so padded that he might as well have squeezed a pillow) and said that it looked good anyway.

When I was helping him shave the back of his neck I realized that I was resting my free hand on his upper back (god, his skin is so smooth and warm) and I removed it. Though I don’t get the feeling he was uncomfortable with it.

But I wanted to touch him some more. And I wanted him to touch me. My interest was not outright sexual, and it wasn’t so strong that it bothered me or anything. Just a little tickle in the pit of my stomach. But it was there. And I can’t quite tell if it’s mutual. I mean, inviting me to change in front of him and touching my so-padded-I-felt-nothing boob would seem to be hints that he’d be okay with…something. But I won’t ask him outright or make any definitive moves because I’ve already been rejected quite enough by him, thank you very much*. I’m in no mood to risk being shot down again. And I know he’s not the type to make a move unless the other person blatantly tells him it’s okay, so I guess things will just have to stay as they are.

A day or two after I hung out with The Bunny, Minx invited me to see the movie Deadpool (which was awesome, btw). This was free for me because she works at a movie theatre and gets a certain number of free passes per month as an employee perk.

During the movie she started stroking my wrist, which felt so good that I immediately rolled my sleeve up to allow access to more skin. And after a while of that she just held my hand. We haven’t been hand-holders since we broke up butĀ I accepted it as a gesture of mostly-platonic affection and indeed that’s what it seemed to be. She did not escalate to other, more dating-ish-type things. We just sat there watching the movie and holding hands like a couple who’s been married a hundred years and doesn’t have sex anymore.

Then we went back to my place and watched Netflix and ate dinner and she massaged my feet for a nice long time. Also my neck, and I wonder whether that led to my painful neck spasms the next day, but that’s neither here nor there.

It’s so weird to me now that I was ever in love with Minx; that I ever lived with her. She’s still dear to my heart and I enjoy seeing her from time to time but honestly her presence starts to grate on me like a motherfucker after a few hours. Mostly because of how long it takes her to formulate a coherentĀ sentence (and to think she once accusedĀ me of having way too much “filler” when I talk.).Ā Hanging out and watching stuff and snuggling is great, but when things get too talk-intensive I get an increasing urge to yell “OH MY GOD JUST SPIT IT OUT” and it’s just…difficult. So basically I’m always glad to see her but also glad when she leaves. Best of both worlds. šŸ˜›

Last night Mine came over (technically he has not beenĀ mine for a bunch of months now, but for the sake of continuity his nickname shall remain). At the time that I invited him over I was feeling toppy and wanted someone to inflict super rough sex on. But his actual visit was like two weeks later and the urge had subsided by then. Also I have complicated feelings about him. At one time, we were falling in love. And then suddenly we weren’t and to this day I’m not sure why things fizzled. Without the “love goggles” I’m less attracted to him than I was, plus his presence makes me feel sad for what might have been; hanging out with him is such a pale shadow of what it used to be.

And also he’s taken up smoking again and the stink was clinging to him when he first came in (the cold weather makes it do that, somehow). So when he first got here I didn’t even kiss him hello. I was pleased to see him and when we sat on my couch to catch up we tangled our legs all up in companionable snuggles immediately, but I felt no carnal urge. I threw on a movie and while it played I had a silent debate with myself. I knew that if I started something sexual up, I’d probably end up enjoying it, if only because I canĀ sort of hyper focus andĀ makeĀ myself enjoy things. But isn’t it best to hold out for sexual encounters that make me feel enthusiastic and passionate from the getgo? Was I only thinking of doing stuff with Mine becauseĀ it was the path of least resistance (I’d invited him over expressly to “slap all the pretty off his face” so he would be kind of expecting something more than just movies…)?

The movie ended and I put on another one. I found myself super tired, though. Mine was, too, and asked if I’d mind very much if he went and lay down for a bit. I said I was sleepy too so we might as well both go. Once we got in bed, though, Mine said that he has a Pavlovian reaction to being in my bed: he gets hard. And he began to kiss me. Meh, what the hell. I went ahead and kissed him back, which eventually turned into me doing ouchy things to him and then fucking his ass with one of my biggest dildos while he jerked off. It was pretty fun, but it was missing the quality of D/s that I craved and this gave it an edge of sadness, to me. Because I used toĀ dominate this boy and now I pretty much just service top him. It felt fun but a bit hollow. Le sigh.

There’s another boy – someone I’ve canoodled with a time or two at play parties and whom I finally invited over a few weeks back. The conundrum with him is that I don’t find his face particularly attractive, His body isĀ amazing and he is sweet and a fantastic conversationalist – when he slept over we were up all night after the sexual shenanigans just talking. But I am not as attracted to him as I’d like to be, which made the sexual stuff feel once again more like a service I was performing. Mind you, he reciprocated. I fell asleep with him petting his ass (by my request) in fact. SoĀ it’s not like I got nothing out of the deal.

I rather thought that this boys’ visit would end up being a one-off, or at least that we were pretty casual, but he’s been texting me semi-regularly ever since (prior to that we mostly communicated via FetLife messages). I think he sees us as more of an official Thing than I did. I am willing to entertain the idea, because IĀ do enjoy his company and I like having people I can have snugglepets with. And it’s not like I was unaroused during the sexytimes. We’ll see how that goes.

 

*For those of you just joining us, I dated The Bunny for about a year and for a big chunk of that he was never in the mood for sex or BDSM play (and instead of telling me so upfront like a grown-up he’d wait for me to actually start doing foreplay-type things and then snarkily ask “can I help you?” or some shit like that). And then later he developed erectile dysfunction with me and only me. And all this time,Ā while claiming that he just wasn’t in the mood for sex and BDSM, he continued getting beaten atĀ play parties, dating other people, putting up ads to meet new partners, etc. Soooooo yeah.

 

 

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