I’ve realized that I’m really, really good at seeing patterns. Sometimes even ones that aren’t there. Perhaps this is a function of my anxiety, which wants to control everything and predict every outcome.
This issue is extreme enough that if I happen to check my email while making a “pbhbubt” sound with my lips and there’s a message there from someone I like, I will make the same sound every time I check my email for the rest of the day. This is subconscious. I don’t know how long I was doing things like that before I noticed it, just one day I noticed myself compulsively doing some little ritual every time I checked my email and I was like “wait, what?” and I figured out what was up.
Since I’m dating someone who is basically a cipher, I’m forced to guess a lot of things about him. Because lord knows he’d be freaked out if I asked him about a feeling or behaviour of his, and that he’s probably not self-aware enough to be able to explain himself, anyway. Also when I do ask him stuff and he does actually answer me he sometimes doesn’t seem to answer accurately (see: lack of self-awareness). Like when he claimed the gift of a bondage collar wasn’t meant as an invitation to take our BDSM activities further, but all evidence would seem to contradict this.
So I look for patterns. I look for signs. And I’ve formulated all these ideas based on things The Pedant does plus my own knowledge of human nature. And I’m pretty sure I’m right about most of it. But since it’s also all filtered through my own experiences and biases, I might not be. It’s weird to think that a lot of the things I take as fact with regards to The Pedant might not be. At all.
Anyway. The latest analysis/guess is as follows:
The Pedant seems to have grown somewhat silent since I sent that email. He’ll respond to things I’ve said, briefly, but he just kinda seems less forthcoming. I have endeavored to back off a bit because perhaps the email gave him a lot to think about and I don’t want to seem like I’m pushing my presence on him on top of that (The Pedant has repeatedly lamented partners who “got possessive of him” and “wanted to take up all of his time” so I know this is A Thing for him). Also my urge to text him was totally coming from an insecure place, anyway – wanting reassurance that my email hadn’t somehow put him off – and that is purely anxiety-driven and I don’t like it. So I’ve been uncharacteristically silent, too, in response to his silence. And he hasn’t picked up the slack with a phone call like he usually does.
But he has liked a bunch of stuff I’ve posted on Facebook. Some of which is old enough not to have appeared on his feed, as far as I know.
So my theory is that he’s a little afraid to talk to me right now, because he doesn’t understand the email or hasn’t read it yet or I don’t know, and he worries if he’s too chatty with me I’ll ask him about it and expect answers. But he misses me, so he’s going on my Facebook page to see how I’m doing and tacitly interact with me via “likes”.
Ehhhh, who the fuck knows.
I’ve also noticed that he hasn’t offered to come see me in a while…our last bunch of hangouts came about because I directly said “I want to see you. When are you free?” Maybe it’s just a coincidence that it’s me driving things and not him – he certainly seems keen enough to see me once he’s here. But I worry. Also I’m kinda sick of always being the one to express interest. So I’ve been trying to give him time to miss me But we’re coming up on two weeks apart and I’m starting to jones. I might break soon.