Sent an email to The Pedant about four days ago seeking to lay out my D/s expectations and see if he would comply with them. A day or so later I texted asking if he’d received the email and he said yes, but that once he saw how long it was he figured he’d better leave it til he can focus his full attention on it. Fair enough, but I wonder if he realizes that it’s really just a bunch of context and description boiling down to a yes or no answer? I feel like Rachel on Friends must have felt when she gave Ross the big long letter that ended off with “does this all make sense?” and when she asked him in person “Well, does it?” he hemmed and hawed (because he’d actually fallen asleep halfway through the letter and didn’t know what she was asking, but she didn’t know that). Like dude it’s a simple question just tell me.
I’m trying to be patient.
In the meantime, here’s what my email said in case you were wondering.
So hey, I have a thing I think we should discuss.
I’m enjoying being in charge of our sex; I’m very happy with how that’s going. But it occurs to me that I haven’t concretely laid out my expectations, so our dynamic might be going well more by LUCK rather than intention. In not directly stating what I need in order for it to work, I feel like I’m setting myself up for mishaps and miscommunication.
I want to share a blog quote with you that resonates with me a lot:
I think some submissives cannot get their head around the fact that D/s takes two people. As a dominant, I CANNOT be second guessing whether he will do what I want or not, I need to trust him to submit. If I can’t trust him, it leads to a headspace that looks like this:
“Should I ask him to get me some water? What if he says ‘no’? He looks pretty comfortable, maybe he won’t want to get up. Ahhh, he’ll say ‘yes’, I’m sure he will. Maybe he won’t… what if he doesn’t. Ahh, hell, I’ll just get it myself, I don’t want to fight about it.”
Soon, she is not dominating him anymore, she is just getting him to do things that she hopes he won’t mind doing. He then wonders what happened to the fearless Domme he used to adore and she wonders what happened to her lovely submissive.
TBH the other day when I asked you to get me off and you passed out instead, I initially experienced that as a breach of the dynamic. I later realized that you hadn’t actually said no to me – you’d said something like “when I can move again.” And you did seem REALLY out of it at the time. And you did get down to business as soon as you woke up. And on other occasions (occasions where you seemed a bit more coherent than on Sunday :)) you HAVE roused yourself from post-coital naps in order to attend to me on command. Therefore, it seems to me that you’ve been doing your best to obey and Sunday was just an extenuating circumstance.
But yeah. In case it’s not clear – in case it’s just a happy coincidence that you’ve been giving me exactly what I need – what I expect is that you will obey me in matters sexual. Every time, and as cheerfully as you can manage (you know, like you’ve been doing so far). Even when you don’t necessarily feel like doing the thing I’m asking. And I WILL occasionally ask you to do a thing when you don’t necessarily feel like it, like getting me off when you’ve already come and would probably rather sleep than anything. I’ll do this for the same reason that you occasionally tug against the restraints: to feel the tension you crave. If you were to lie still, it would probably feel like you were just…relaxing with your arms up. So you pull a little bit, and are reminded that you’re restrained. Similarly, if I only ask you to do things I know you love doing anyway, it’ll start to feel as though I’m just making suggestions, not actually controlling you. I need to push a bit sometimes so I can feel it. Also, when I feel as though a boy is sacrificing himself in service to me it is seriously the most electrifying thing. All the feels. ALL OF THEM.
Having said that, I am a rational, compassionate adult and I’m not gonna demand that you put your penis inside me when it’s already spent, or do some sex act we’ve never discussed that’s way outside our usual repertoire, or anything unreasonable like that. And if there are circumstances I’m not aware of that MAKE one of my requests unreasonable, tell me, don’t just quietly overextend yourself to please me (pretty sure your sense of self-preservation wouldn’t allow that but I have to say it anyway).
Are you willing to explicitly agree to these terms? Can I trust you to do what I ask? Can you trust me not to ask too much?
Fairly straightforward, right?
The reason I didn’t wait to have this talk in person btw is that almost every time I’ve wondered about his feelings re: a certain relationship issue and brought it up verbally, I somehow never ended up getting a straight answer*. Either he doesn’t say anything at all or he goes off on some tangent and I forget to pursue my original point. I actually think he may deflect my questions deliberately (if subconsciously) because he finds it awkward to talk about feelings and/or he doesn’t really know what he feelings are. So I decided to do this in such a way that it would be harder for him to squiggle out of it.
The blog I quoted in my email is Ferns btw.
*The time I told him I was falling for him and asked if I was safe to do so – he pretended to be asleep and didn’t answer. When I eventually asked him outright about his feelings for me, he laughed at the specific wording I used and I had to ask him again in order to actually get an answer. When I asked if he’d like my spare keys, he said he didn’t feel comfortable coming into my place with me not there; I said that’s not what I had in mind, and explained the practical advantages to him having keys and said it was up to him but I’d be fine either way. He said nothing. When told him I loved him on numerous occasions he essentially ignored it. When I finally asked him point-blank how he felt when I said it, he deflected. When I asked him one time what the etiquette is re: us paying for stuff – if he proposes that we go out somewhere, does that mean he’s paying? – he gave me some kind of non-answer that left me still not knowing (but I’ve been assuming he’ll pay and so far he has).
Shit, I had not noticed until now what a pattern this is with him. I’m feeling a bit pissed off now. I get that he doesn’t really know how to deal with emotions, and I’m willing to work with that, but he doesn’t much seem to be working with me. I do the rather frightening and vulnerable work of bringing topics up, and I make a huge effort to communicate clearly and let him know he’s safe to discuss things honestly, and usually I boil things down to one very simple question like I did in this email…and he still doesn’t answer, half the time. Like even “circle one: Y/N” is tooooo scaaaaarrrrrry for him. Sigh.