I was just composing an email to The Pedant re: the recent incident where he wouldn’t get me off because he was rapidly descending into a post-coital coma. In the email, I explained to him (gently) that in order to maintain a D/s dynamic, the sub has to uphold his agreement to obey. Like, all the time. Because if the dominant can’t confidently ask for what she wants and know she’ll get it, that’s…basically vanilla. We never really set out our expectations of the dynamic before and this strikes me as a pretty huge oversight that could blow up in my face. I mean I have no idea whether we’re on the same page with this stuff.

But luckily I haven’t sent the email yet because I just realized: he didn’t actually refuse my demand of orgasms that time. He didn’t say “no” to me. He summoned up the last bit of coherent speech he could manage, said “As soon as I can move again,” and then passed out. That’s a very different thing. Still not optimal. But not the same as flat-out refusing me.

I’m going to re-word my email. Instead of “I experienced that incident the other day as a breach of the dynamic, and here’s why” I’m gonna be more “hey so we’ve never really discussed what we expect out of our D/s dynamic. I’ll start.”


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