Hmm.

The Pedant spent the weekend here.

It was…a wee bit up and down, for me. But his last visit left me falling for him hard and when I feel that vulnerable and close to someone, I’m extra-sensitive to every damn thing and just kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop. So I’m trying not to go into panic mode at every little hiccup between us.

The rough parts were:

  • During our first bout of sex I kind of didn’t know what to do with him. I wanted to take control – I wanted to reinforce the dynamic that’s been making me feel so close to him – but there was no specific thing I wanted to do. So things ended up being somewhat more egalitarian than usual and I worry that this bored him or that I’ve faltered as a dominant.
  • We had an entire day where we didn’t do anything sexual (I know, I know, but I’m used to a higher frequency with him). That in itself might not have been so bad, but for that entire day he kept dodging/blocking me whenever I idly tried to touch his chest or cock. It kinda made me feel like some giant rapist or something. Like dude I just like petting you I’m not trying to coerce you into sex. Sometimes he’d block me if he even thought my hand was heading somewhere. Even in his sleep. Like I’d spoon him and put my arm around his body and he’d make a point of grabbing my hand and setting it on his belly because he felt, apparently, that I was about to put it on his crotch (I wasn’t). I did not love that.
  • During our second bout of sex, I got him off spectacularly hard and then told him I wanted him to fuck me with my favourite dong while I got myself off. He murmured something that sounded like “As soon as I come over again” but was probably “As soon as I can [move?] again” and then fell dead asleep for an hour with his arms locked around me while I lay there stewing and wondering if he thinks I just give him orgasms out of the goodness of my heart, or what. Like I’m just gonna fall into a chaste, peaceful asleep with the satisfaction of a job well done. Spoilers: I don’t give him orgasms for his benefit. I give him orgasms because he gives me really strong reactions and eliciting those reactions turns me on. And then I’m all filled with sexual energy that needs to go somewhere before I can feel satisfied. Anyway the fact that he didn’t take care of my needs when I told him to feels like a failure of his submission and shakes my faith in our dynamic, if we even had one and it wasn’t just play-acting for him. I mean if he’d had to go to work or the smoke alarm had gone off or something, I believe he would have been able to rouse himself. I want a command from me to be equally important.
  • When he eventually woke up and helped me get off, he didn’t seem to be listening to direction super well (I had to tell him repeatedly to thrust more slowly with the toy) and he did some things that I’ve told him many times before that I don’t like (albeit not since we got back together). It’s like he was falling back into old habits. It was weird. And honestly, even though he’s improved his listening skills and (therefore) sexual technique with me a lot since we got back together, I’m still not quite comfortable with him. Our sexual encounters were basically a push me/pull you argument for so damn long that I can’t stop bracing myself for a fight, so to speak, when he begins to touch my genitals. I’d been starting to trust him in that regard, but this maybe set us back a step.
  • I mentioned to him that I’d vetted that one slightly creepy artist guy who wants to hire me and my model friends who’ve posed for him all said they feel safe with him. The Veteran even said that he probably brought up gender issues deliberately so I’d know that he’s a person who thinks about this stuff and is therefore enlightened or whatever. I bitched to The Pedant that if that’s what he was angling for, he totally didn’t go about it well, and further bitched about how many guys I’ve posed for who have been perfectly professional when my clothes were off, but once I was dressed they’d wanna make small talk about a current rape trial or something and I find that really unsettling. To them it’s just idle small talk, probably, but to me rape is a subject that impacts my life in a million direct and indirect ways. I don’t like people bringing rape culture into my workplace with so often has me naked in a room full of men I’ve never met before. And I’m astounded that it never occurs to these guys that rape might be a touchy subject for me (especially at work, but all the time, really). The Pedant then segued into…a talk about the Jian Ghomeshi trial and all the details of the attacks and how apparently someone said that the process of pressing charges is probably more horrible for the victims than the original attack was and how The Pedant doesn’t think that could possibly be true. And I let myself get roped into debating with him over this. It soured an otherwise delightful restaurant meal and I don’t know why I didn’t tell him “LET’S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.” For some reason my automatic response when he talks about something triggering is to up my bravado to show him that his words aren’t affecting me. Oh, y’know what it is? It’s because he gloats all the time about trolling people on purpose to get a rise out of them and I guess I assume he’s doing this to me, too, and I automatically go into bully deflection mode. I do feel like he has a soft spot for me though and probably wouldn’t fuck with me on purpose like that. He’s just dumb like the guys in my art classes are. I’ll try to be more assertive in future.

But on the “good” end of the spectrum, we slept a lot (I think we’re both fighting off colds) and he actively touched and snuggled me the entire time. And I’ve become so comfortable with him that I can fall asleep with him in just about any configuration, like we’re a heap of kittens; even with my face mashed into the side of his head or something. He bought us an expensive new sex toy to use together and I think it has potential. The two times that we had sex, he came just ridiculously hard and I felt like some kind of sex goddess for bringing that out in him. After the first session he said “you should probably give me my hands back” and when I unclipped the restraints it turned out what he needed them back for was to wrap his arms around me. He tidied up my front hallway for me. I left before he did, and he called me when I got home from work to list off all the little housework things he’d done before he’d left as though seeking my approval, and his voice the entire time we talked was so warm and soft; nowhere near his usual matter-of-fact tone. I gave him the painting I made of the flaming heart and he seemed all touched and caught off guard by it.

I should probably address the thing where he didn’t get me off when I asked (not to tell him he was bad or whatever but just to explain that to me it felt like a breach of trust and to figure out how to avoid such icky feelings in future). I should probably clarify the boundaries of our dynamic, in general. So I’ll start psyching myself up for that.

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