Had a nice chat with The Pedant last night via text. Nice for many reasons. Here’s a transcript (context: a financial sub/houseboy sort of person has been courting me, but he keeps vanishing and reappearing. He claims “anxiety” but I don’t think so. Not anxiety in the way that I experience it, anyway. I think he feels conflicted about his desires and tries to purge them at intervals. Anyway:)
Me: Muah-ha-ha. Finsub came through. He muled home litter and cat food for me and scrubbed the litterbox and bathtub.
Pedant: Ah, so he’s finally proving to be of some use.
Me: He was a fine and industrious young man. But I can’t fully enjoy him until I can trust him not to pull a fade.
Pedant: In the meantime you have a new mop.
Me: Indeed. Wondering whether the relative lack of sex will make him lose interest, though.
Pedant: Isn’t the point of this fashion of D/s at least partly about him being left with blueballs?
Me: It’s one way to go. And indeed, I like the idea. But ideally I’d like to use him for MY pleasure and that…is not something I can do yet. Not entirely. Not if I think he’ll vanish again.
Pedant: Ah, so this is really about the fact that you want him. LOL. [Can’t help wondering if that LOL is masking a bit of jealousy or uncertainty…]
Me: What I want is the feeling that I own him and can use him as I please. That’s what I thrive on: the feeling that someone has given himself over to me. [Yes, this is me feeding The Pedant info that might be useful to him] But I can’t get comfy enough to really stretch my wings and start making him do all the things.
Pedant: Not yet.
Me: Yeah. If he can be consistent enough in his contact with me that I can trust he’s a fixture in my life, then I can branch out. [Also a veiled info-bomb aimed partially at The Pedant. I mean, our relationship is actually fine in that respect right now but I kind of want him to better understand why I broke up with him that time]
Pedant: Heh. In that case, we’d better figure out which toys are just for you and I. 😉 [I do think the winky face there was meant to cover up some vulnerability…as was phrasing this like delegating toys was a foregone conclusion instead of telling me “I’d like it if…”]
Me: I’m happy to dedicate toys to you. Mind you, all my insertables are sterilizable and I usually use condoms with them, too.
Pedant: Fair point, but it’s possibly safer this way [Eeek, maybe I won’t mention to him that the stainless steel plug has been inside one or two other people…]. Also, more fun. [There it is. He has a sentimental spot for knowing there are certain things I do with him and nobody else. I was not expecting this. It’s hot.]
Me: I like having things that are just ours. [TBH I’d rather we bought “us-stuff” together rather than imposing limits on the use of my pre-existing toys, but it’s not a big deal] Is there anything in my collection you know you want dibs on?
Pedant: Yes. The collar, but then, you know that, since I bought it for us. The toy you’ve been slipping into me lately. And the toy I’ll be bringing this weekend.
Me: :O 😀 My curiosity, she is piqued. Clarification: do you never want me to use anything else with you BUT what we’ve reserved? I suppose most of my collection has seen some action, but everything’s been boiled since…
Pedant: It’s more that I’d like us to have items to use as a couple [Oh my. He admitted it in actual words: he admitted that he wants this for sentimental reasons, not germaphobe reasons. My heart is melting. :D}; I don’t want to say “only these” because I’d be turning down things which I might turn out to enjoy. [Awesome news because I have things I’d very much like to use with him one day!]
Bah, I have to go. More later. 😀