Scattered thoughts

My last post was intended simply to be a sex post describing the two hot sessions The Pedant and I had during his visit, but I ended up going off on a zillion tangents and not even getting to the second sexing. My thoughts are just all over the place. I have a lot to process.

So, okay. Here are more things I need to put out there, in no particular order because my brain is still twirling:

  • I’ve told The Pedant before that he should probably be frightened of me*. I think I told him pretty clearly on at least one occasion that when I get turned on it brings out my sadism. When I go all feral after an orgasm it’s because I really, really wanna hurt him and I’m restraining myself. I’m really pretty sure he knows this. It doesn’t freak him out the way it freaked Minx out. I could cry with relief.
  • At one point during sex with The Pedant I got overwhelmed by all the feels and was poised at the cusp of either wanting to burst into tears or start punching him in the chest. I paused for a minute to collect myself. His eyes were closed this whole time so he surely has no idea about any of that. 😛
  • I believe this visit marks the first time I’ve asked him to get me off kind of out of the blue. Not in the thick of sexual interaction (when I assume he’ll be pleased to do it because he’s turned on), and not just after The Pedant had come (when I assume he would just as soon go to sleep buttttt he got his turn so fair’s fair). On two different occasions we were just hanging out or thinking about going to bed or whatever (and on one of those occasions I’d begun smooching up on The Pedant and been gently rebuffed) and I was just like “Okay, well, here’s what’s gonna happen” and told him I wanted to get off and how he would assist me in the process. I felt audacious as hell (and wow, I didn’t realize until writing this just how hard it is for me to ask for sexual pleasure – how much I feel like my pleasure needs to have a reason or be given in trade for his, or else he might say no) but he chuckled and acquiesced. If he’d said no – if he’d made excuses – it would have destroyed me. I wonder if he realizes that? I mean he definitely was not in the mood for sex when I told him to attend to me; did he say yes because he recognized that this was part of our deal, or because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings, or…? To a large extent I feel like we’re doing this D/s thing without a safety net and it terrifies me. Yes, I asked The Pedant if he would be open to me taking charge in the bedroom and he said that he would. But “in the bedroom” could mean a lot of things. To me it was a euphemism meaning that I want him to be my fuckdoll to use any time we’re at home alone. To him it might have meant that I will literally take control of him when we’re in the actual bedroom and sexytimes are already in progress. So, talks need to be had, and preferably sooner rather than later – I want to prevent painful misunderstandings before they can happen. But it’s gonna be hard. He seems conflicted about his urge to submit so I feel like I have to discuss this shit without using words like “submission” “submissive” and “submit” or else he’ll freak out and pull back.
  • We showered together and he just…started washing me. I didn’t ask him to and I don’t think I ever told him how much I love it when he does it. I think he just likes taking care of my body in various ways. He touched up my hair for me, too, and did a fantastic job.
  • Telling him that he’s mine is a standard part of my sex talk with him. He doesn’t seem scared off by it but neither has he ever seemed particularly turned on by it – until the other day when it made him all breathless. Possibly it’s because I combined it with the idea of being my “slave,” which I know is hot for him. But my fantasy, here, is that in deciding to sub to me in the bedroom, his headspace shifted and now “mine” is as hot a concept to him as it is to me.
  • The Pedant says he’s not into pain. Indeed, he is insanely sensitive to touch and I am absolutely positive that he will never, for instance, succumb to an impact play scene with me. At all. Not even as a sacrifice given to please me. But. Sometimes during sex I’ll bite his lip and he always responds positively. The other day during foreplay I slapped his ass and that got one of his trademark gasps of arousal, too (but for the record, slapping his ass at any non-sex time does not). He likes it when I’m forceful with him and I think things like biting and spanking may be a slight extension of this, as far as he’s concerned. And/or he gets a bit more into pain when he’s turned on. I am intrigued.
  • And yeah, he feels like “mine” now that he’s openly submitting to me. (“Mine,” the way I use it, is a very specific concept that’s hard to describe. Sort of a combo of “devoted to me” “an object that I can act on however I please” and “completely focused on me while we’re together.” Nothing to do with monogamy.) And it’s almost certainly this sense of mine-ness that’s making me fall in love with him. That’s what was missing, before; that’s what was needed.
  • He took me to a movie and when I ventured to caress his hand that was resting on his lap (sometimes he’s standoffish with PDA so I never know how he’ll react to these things), he ended up holding my hand and/or playing with my fingers for basically the duration of the film. Even during those times when my arm started to cramp so I took my hand back for a while, he would affectionately nuzzle his knee up against mine from time to time.
  • The Pedant has a hard time asking for things or owning his desires. Makes me think he’s had his needs/wants/desires mocked or ignored a lot so asking now feels very, very vulnerable and as though the other person will probably say no (I have the same issue but am aware of it and actively trying to get over it). He told me he wants me to make him a prop for a cosplay outfit of his. Didn’t ask me; literally said “I want you to make me a…”. He regularly projects the things he likes onto everyone else (“men don’t really like lingerie and other girlie clothes on women. They like tomboys.” no dude, you like tomboys. And it’s okay to like tomboys. You don’t have to pretend that your preference is the correct preference that all the boys have). He’ll often talk about things he wants or likes in a vague way or in the passive voice (“I like sexually aggressive women/I enjoy being treated roughly” instead of “I love it when you…”). His reticence and vagueness can be frustrating because sometimes he’s hinting at what he wants from me and I don’t read between the lines very well. At the same time his obvious psychological scars around opening up to people make me wanna gather him into my arms and kiss him all better. I hope that he can continue becoming more open with me. I will strive to be a safe place for him.
  • We went grocery shopping and I remembered that on a different occasion he’d said to me “why not give me your basket to carry? I mean, I’m here…” (he told me once that he would not like to be told what do to outside the bedroom but moments like that make me wonder if that’s true. He certainly seems willing to help me with things, to a point where he encourages me to make use of him) so this time around I handed him the basket and he automatically took it without either of us saying a thing about it.
  • A little while back we were talking on the phone and I was telling him that The Veteran was helping me clean up my apartment. He said he suspected that my floor gets covered in cat litter crumbs because the wheat-based stuff I use is too light and sticks to the cats’ paws more easily, so in future maybe I should switch to the heavier, clay stuff like his family uses “even if you have to get me to carry it home for you.” I hesitate to ask him for favours like that because Minx and my ex husband both cited me being “too dependent” as a reason they didn’t want to be with me anymore. But in this case The Pedant is offering. I don’t know whether I’ll switch litter types (I’ve heard clay is bad for kitties…) but I like knowing that The Pedant is willing to be put to use and I may ask him for help with things (as I would ask a friend, not a submissive) a bit more in future. And again I wonder: does he really object to being told what to do outside the bedroom? Or does he only think he does because he doesn’t understand how it would actually work? Maybe he doesn’t realize he’s allowed to have limits, or that I’m capable of giving orders politely and without any connotation that he’s lowly/lesser/whatever. Then again, maybe he likes helping me with domestic stuff but only when he offers and only on his terms.
  • While he was here we got to talking about my dating life outside of him – oh, because the shaved parts of my hairdo had gotten overly fuzzy again and he was like “aren’t there like a million willing submissive men who would help you with that?” and I was like no, not really, and I got into a bit of a rant about how hard it is to find compatible people. During this rant I mentioned that most submissive-leaning guys I’ve met just wanna submit in the bedroom, and while that’s the most important thing to me, I’ve come to realize that domestic service is also important to me and not something I’d want to do without. I was clearly talking about what I wanted in any additional partners I took on, not giving The Pedant an ultimatum. He’d already told me he didn’t want to be bossed around outside the bedroom and I’d said “fair enough” and kept on seeing him, soooo… But you guise YOU GUISE the morning after that conversation I had to leave for work and The Pedant was still totally zonked out and needing sleep so I told him to stay as long as he liked and let himself out whenever. A few hours later I got a text saying he’d left at about 11am…and a short list of tidying he’d done around the apartment before he went(!!!). And that’s when my tentative feelings of “I think I might be falling for him even harder” clicked over into “Holy shit I am in love with this boy.” I don’t think he’s ready for me to be authoritatively asking him to do my dishes or anything but that puppylike enthusiasm to impress me just melts my heart…and I do wonder whether it’s the beginning of him extending the range of his submission.
  • To be clear, I may fantasize a lot about The Pedant becoming my 24/7 submissive anal slut, but I love him for exactly who he is now, not for who I hope he might become. If all that’s ever on offer is a bit of D/s in the bedroom plus him volunteering, puppylike, to do helpful things for me (but never wanting the helpful things to be a given, or for me to specifically request them and expect obedience) then I would still be happy.
  • The Pedant went home yesterday morning. Yesterday night, he “liked” and commented on a couple of things on my Facebook wall…and these were not recent enough things to show up in his feed. Looks like he was missing me and thinking about me. 😀 He also texted me this morning, on a pretty flimsy pretext. I know he has a lot of worries about partners becoming “overly possessive” and making demands on his time, so usually after one of his visits I try not to text him for at least a day so he can feel like he has some space – and he typically is not the one to break the silence. This time, though…I feel like the surge of feels I have for him is mutual and he maybe misses me a bit more than usual.
  • This morning – after responding to his initial small-talk message, and still reeling under the intensity of all the feels he gave me this weekend – I texted him: “Tangentially: being explicitly given control over you in the bedroom (vs tentatively playing at it but never really knowing if you’d do the things I asked) has been mind-shatteringly good and made me feel closer to you than I might have thought possible.” Predictably, he responded “You’re welcome. :)” I figured he wouldn’t actually say it back or anything. I wonder, actually, if he does all the sweet things he does to make up for not being able to tell me mushy things. Like I’m almost afraid of him being bold enough to openly say “I love you” etc. because what if he then thinks “yay, now she knows how I feel so I can stop doing all that other stuff to show her”? But he did manage to tell me last time that the love between us is mutual and in retrospect I think I see a pattern throughout our relationship of him being more and more puppyish and devoted to me the more he knows I’m into him. So I’m not especially afraid of expressing my feelings anymore. Evidence would seem to point to him being more comfortable with me when he’s assured that I love him, not less.

That’s all for now.

 

 

*In retrospect, this is untrue. People have been frightened of my potential for sexual violence in the past, so I assumed it was a thing people should fear. The Pedant seems to be of a mind that I don’t actually do any of the ouchy things I want to do to him, so who cares? And y’know what? He’s right.

3 Comments

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3 responses to “Scattered thoughts

  1. qwertyne

    glad to hear this all w him. this https://vimeo.com/141734077 is about how rad drawing models are.

  2. qwertyne

    well, thank you for sharing these tales from your life, even if I know that you are writing for yourself- accidentally, it also is interesting (for an anxious overanalizer) and hopegiving. Dating advice in progressive circles often begins with “take (minimum) two people who are perfect at communicating and have Unlearned all that there is to unlearn…”, and the way you do manage to build things with well-meaning and real-world-like flawed people is inspiring. That’s why I keep coming back.

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