It occurs to me that sex with The Pedant seems to have gotten exponentially better once we both started thinking of him as subbing to me.
A lot of our issues before stemmed from him trying to top me, which rubbed me the wrong way big time. And even when he wasn’t doing shit like backing me up against walls to kiss me or lightly choking me at random intervals, he just wouldn’t listen to what I wanted in bed at all. It’s like he was so wrapped up in the idea that he had to run the fuck because penis that he was concentrating on that and not even hearing my words.
And he’d pass out after his orgasms without me having come, and I felt it would be overstepping to wake him up and demand he get me off.
Slowly, over time, he stopped trying to be the archetypal manly-man all the time and let me be the one pushing, choking, and getting on top – which we both enjoy. And then suddenly his dirty talk went all “Ooooh lookit me I’m yer slaaaave right now” which caught me off-guard because to my mind I was service-topping him, but it did let me know where his head was at. And so during a neutral non-sex time I asked him if he was open to taking orders in bed, and he said yes.
And something clicked for me.
I started actively asking for what I wanted again (something I’d given up on ages ago because he ignored me anyway)…and he listened and obeyed. I got brave enough to wake him up from his post-intercourse comas and demand help getting off…and he pulled himself up out of slumber and did whatever thing I was needing without any complaints at all.
And suddenly The Pedant is giving me all these grateful, overwhelmed-feeling hugs during or after the sex. So maybe he needed me to take control all this time. Maybe our dynamic has finally fallen into place.
The Pedant identifies as a switch (or rather, I don’t think I’ve ever heard him use a BDSM label for himself, but he describes himself as a switch). I know one ex of his used to enjoy tying him up during sex, but every other sexual anecdote he’s ever told me features him topping (or taking an active role in vanilla sex, at least).
I don’t mind if he’s a top with other people. What matters is that he’s a bottom or sub with me.
There are a lot of kinky dudes out there who skew way over toward the submissive side, yet play the role of top/dom most of the time in sex because that’s what women keep requesting of them. Some of these guys know they’re going against their nature when they top*; others genuinely believe they’re switches at first but once they have their first bottom or submissive experience it blows all their previous dom/top stuff out of the water.
I have been fantasizing a lot lately that The Pedant is one of the latter – submissive, but so conflicted about it and so brainwashed by society that men are supposed to be dominant that he thinks of himself as a dominant/bottom switch. He may like to be tied up sometimes but that’s it, folks! Nothing to see here! He is a manly man who mans all over the place. Totes dominant except for the love of restraints (or including the love of restraints…a dominant can certainly enjoy being tied up, and order someone to do it). Except that years of basking in my calm acceptance of men who don’t perform gender the way society tells them to has allowed him to start opening up and admitting what he really wants. And so we’ve started delving into D/s together and although he’s cautious and flinchy about it, he’s gaining trust as he sees that I’m not going to make fun of him for wanting to give me control. And it’s like I’m finally uniting him with his true self and our relationship starts flowing smoothly because he’s not fighting me or himself anymore and he’s forever grateful to me for seeing this part of him and not just accepting but adoring it and all the sexual conquests he used to brag to me about pale in comparison to what I give him and we live happily ever after.
I’m a dork.
I’ve also been fantasizing that he may crave being submissive outside the bedroom, too. It’s entirely possible that he doesn’t; he certainly does tend to express love through acts of service, but I’ve learned from experience that liking to do kind and helpful things for someone doesn’t mean you’re a sub. A lot of people find the free will part of the “doing kind things” really important, and would bristle at being told to do the things.
Nonetheless, sometimes The Pedant almost seems to be scrambling to think of things to do for me, and offering these tasks at my feet in hopes that I’m impressed with him. And it would be so sweet to be able to take the reins completely and have that at my disposal instead of just kind of hoping he’ll do that same thing he did last time again this time.
Anyway. The idea that things are going well between us partly because he’s not fighting submissive urges anymore is intriguing as hell, and seems pretty feasible.
*But call themselves switches anyway, which is a giant pet peeve of mine…if you know you want to be someone’s submissive then fucking own it and look for it. Don’t make a FL profile labeling you as a switch and then write “actually I’m a sub but the women I meet keep wanting to be dommed, so….” in the body. You just look like getting laid is more important to you than being yourself.