In many ways, The Pedant is not who he presents himself to be. And I’m not sure he even consciously knows this. There are many, many layers of bravado and delusion and possibly denial between him and the outside world.
For instance, he’s always saying that most people think he’s an asshole. He seems gleeful about it, usually. Even when he talks about ex-girlfriends accusing him of being heartless or whatever, he seems perfectly fine with it. He cheerfully refers to himself as a high functioning sociopath.
But as I said in my previous post, he mentions his exes’ harsh views of him a lot, such that I think it’s an unhealed wound for him. Also, a few visits ago I showed him the photo I’ve associated with his contact info on my phone: it’s a picture of a spectacular red/purple bruise I got on my ass once from backing into a pole. I set this as his picture years ago, when we were dating the first time around and things were not nearly as stable as they are now. So I show The Pedant this and he goes “so is that a bruise I caused, or…?” and I was like “No, I just felt like you were being a pain in my ass at the time so it seemed appropriate.” I thought he would find this hilarious, but he got an unmistakably hurt look and didn’t say anything. Whoops. I have since changed the photo to one that’s actually of him, and told him so.
He’s told me all this bravado-y shit about how partners have pined for his cock and yet when I’ve told him how much I love it he looked an awful lot as though nobody had ever told him that before and he was very, very surprised that the appendage is that desirable to anyone.
When we were first screwing he presented himself as someone who likes to receive hand jobs while tied up. That’s it. He used the excuse that he’s a flailer when he orgasms so it’s just a good idea to restrain him. He’s not a flailer, though. And he also gets massively turned on when I’m forceful with him – pushing him, repositioning him, choking him – none of which has much to do with keeping his limbs from moving.
The first time we ever fucked he said “you can do whatever you want to me tonight” and I assumed that was just poorly thought out sex-talk; after all, he knows I’m way into ass-play and he had always said he wasn’t interested in that. So me doing whatever I wanted could go badly for him. …Except now I wonder if ass play is what he was hoping for. Or, if not ass-play specifically, for me to use him like an object in general. I’m definitely beginning to think that he’s interested in submission rather than simply bottoming.
Clearly, his kink interests are a vulnerable thing for him so he can’t bear to use his words. He’s kinda trying to sneak his interests up on me. He’s never said “I want to submit to you.” He just kinda started saying “I love being your slave like this” as part of the sex talk while we were fucking. He’s never said “the thought of kneeling for you makes me hot.” He just casually said one time that if we were to spend the night in a hotel one day, the floors would be clean and cat-litter-crumb free and this would open the possibility of him being on his knees. Like he was offering it for my benefit. He ostensibly bought the collar and leash for my benefit, too, but when I didn’t use the leash he brought it up a bunch of times: “It might be easier for you to pull me around if you used the leash” etc. He’s never said “I’m into leather.” He just repeatedly said “Welllll we might as well get leather straps to match the restraints you have” when we were shopping for an under-the-mattress restraint system online.
It frustrates the hell out of me that he can’t use his words directly, actually, because I’m not the brightest sometimes when it comes to hints. I must have replied “Meh, most of the straps will be hidden under the mattress so who cares?” to him four times before I clued in that he didn’t care about the visuals per se (he wouldn’t be able to see the straps at all when trussed up in them…). This was about him loving the idea of leather.
I’m so very curious what the deal is with ass-play, for him. As I said, he told me initially that he’d done it before and it did nothing for him. Then later on he asked me for it – on more than one occasion. And a few times in, he started moaning and really seeming to enjoy it. And now we’re at a point where I can initiate it and he moans just at the idea. So…did he always like it but just wasn’t ready to show me, yet? Or did he offer himself to me for my benefit and once it became clear that I was never going to gloat about it or otherwise make him feel weird, he finally allowed himself to relax into it and realized it did in fact feel good?
His reactions to things often run counter to the words he says. Like during our second or third try at ass-play he was moaning and squirming and clenching around my finger like crazy, but when I asked him afterward how he liked it, he was like “meh.” He tells me he doesn’t like me to move my finger around – just insert it and press his prostate and hold still – but occasionally I’ll gently thrust a tiny bit anyway and usually it makes him moan in what is definitely a happy way. He’s often told me he was too spent for more sex but then almost immediately got hard and did go again. He says he doesn’t like pain but sometimes during sex I bite his lip a little bit and this usually elicits a happy sound from him.
A while back I brought up the idea of him wearing older, sacrifice-able underwear so I could cut it off him. He was like “…what exactly would that do for you?” like he couldn’t see the point at all. And maybe he can’t. But the fact of the matter is that he always gasps in arousal if I make sudden, rough moves with him, and if I got a seat-belt cutter (which is like a hook with the inside edge sharpened) and pushed it up between his leg and his boxers and hooked it over the waistband and then yanked down, slicing through his underwear suddenly and violently because I wanted instant unfettered access to his cock, I can’t imagine him not going insane for that.
It honestly wouldn’t surprise me at all if he didn’t even admit most of his kinky desires to himself. He probably still thinks of himself as doing ass-play solely for my benefit, for instance. And possibly won’t let himself admit he likes a bit of thrusting because…that would seem gay, or something? I don’t know. But I don’t think he has some master plan for where he wants this to go; I don’t think he has elaborate D/s fantasies all plotted out and he’s just metering them out to me slowly out of embarrassment. I think he has general inclinations that he feels conflicted about and maybe won’t let himself dwell on.
I shall stay the course. I won’t press him to use his words; I’ll just pick up on his hints as best I can and make use of the info without comment or fanfare. I will be a safe place in which he can be fully himself. And we’ll see what that looks like.