Vulnerability and sexting

One thing I really appreciate about The Pedant that I may not have mentioned before is that he doesn’t rub my words or kinks in my face.

Minx used to do this thing where any time a scene in a movie (or whatever) had elements of kink that she knew were up my alley, she’d make a big thing of looking over at me and tittering knowingly. Or sometimes even saying “Yeah, you like that, don’tcha?” or similar. Maybe she did it to show how well she knew me and not actually to make fun of me. But I felt made fun of.

The Bunny has on at least one occasion parroted my compliments to him back at me in a dopey voice.

But The Pedant knows when to just fuckin’ shut up and be cool about it all.

This is a separate thing from stuff like him ignoring my I-love-yous and not acknowledging my letter. Pretty sure that’s just him ignoring sentiments that he doesn’t know how to handle. I mean when I say or do things to him that he likes and participates in, he doesn’t throw it back at me later. He doesn’t do anything to make me feel vulnerable or stupid.

Maybe he’s taking his cue from me. The Pedant started out fairly reserved around me, sexually and emotionally, and only gradually let me see an un-self-consciously abandoned side of him. I love that he’s let me in and I don’t want to do anything to scare him into withdrawing all that good stuff from me so I kind of don’t mention anything we do except in sexts. In other words, I’ll never throw out a casual, deadpan reference to him enjoying bondage or whatever. I’ll never mention that stuff from the outside. I’ll only reference it in the context of how much it turns me on.

So, I guess it’s kind of chicken-or-egg. But however it started, I’m glad I can feel safe with The Pedant. He’s not as verbally effusive in the relationship as I am, and this does make me feel a bit vulnerable, but I don’t worry much about him taking the lofty, above-it-all “Boy you sure did seem to like what we just did together” stance with me that some people have. He seems to know that there’s a delicate balance at play.

Anyway I’m bringing this all up because there was a bit of sexting today and I continue to be amazed by how much he’ll put himself out there, now. Used to be the best I’d get from him if I expressed my desire for him was a smiley face or a sarcastic “you’re welcome.” Now he’s flat-out telling me that he wants me and it makes me feel like I’ve successfully gotten a wild deer to eat out of my hand after four or five years of standing perfectly still with my hand out.

Oh – I just realized something else that’s making me feel particularly enamoured with The Pedant – he doesn’t conflate my anxiety issues with an inability to dominate/top. He read my application for disability recently, in which I spell out all my stupid brain shit in brutal detail, and yet he’s still wanting to delve deeper and deeper into bondage and other bottomy things with me. He knows I’m competent at commanding him even if I have issues being assertive in some other areas of my life. Thank god.

Anyway, here is the sexting from today:

Me: You belong underneath me.

Pedant: Yes. Would you like me to be back there on Thursday morning? [boring scheduling negotiation ensues for a while, and then…] I could come by Saturday evening.

Me: Yes. Do that. 🙂

Pedant: I shall. You can have the restraints waiting for me. I’ll be more than happy for you to place me back where I belong. You’re welcome to use the earplugs and blindfold on me as well.

Me: Excellent.

Pedant: The short leash and thigh cuffs would be welcome as well, now that you’ve tidied your place up and there’s space to use them.

Me: I have ideas. Well see how things unfold. 🙂

Pedant: I can’t wait to be back in your hands. My cock has gotten hard just now, thinking about it.

Me: *Growls*

I hesitate to think of The Pedant as submissive per se. I see him more as someone who likes to role play at D/s without necessarily giving up a lot of control. Perhaps this is unfair of me, though. Perhaps the next time he’s telegraphing that he wants a thing, I should do something else and see what happens. Thus far I’ve largely been just letting his body language and hints steer me (which is still fun because the things he wants are all things I like, anyway) because I fear if I go in a different direction he’ll be a bit more insistent on getting the specific thing he wants and this will break whatever fragile D/s tension there is between us. Mind you, he does seem pretty careful to phrase his wants in terms of things he’s open to if I choose to go there, rather than demands (see his wording above; I’m welcome to use the leash etc.). Perhaps I’m underestimating him.

Whether he’s subbing to me or simply bottoming, though, I am very much intrigued by how much further he seems to want to take things. In the beginning he presented himself as just liking to be tied up while getting a hand job; now he’s wearing a collar and kneeling for me and telling me I control him and calling himself my slave and hinting to me that he wants to be restrained/controlled in ever more thorough and creative ways. I like it.

I still find the idea of putting a leash on him somewhat laughable, since my apartment is tiny and our sexual encounters don’t typically involve a lot of walking around. Does he want me to put the leash on him just to pull him the eight steps from the hallway to the bedroom? Why can’t I just pull the big-ass bondage ring on his collar? …But he bought the leash and has indicated a desire to wear it twice now so I guess it is A Thing for him. So now I totally want to do whatever minimal leading-him-by-the-leash I can, just to see how it affects him (because I suspect if he’s bringing it up this many times he must be really into the idea and will go all wibbly if I do it).

Things with this boy have turned out so much different than I’d ever anticipated. ❤

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