My friend Dom suggested that maybe The Pedant can’t say he loves me because in his mind that’s a declaration of commitment and seriousness and will thus spell the end of fun and the beginning of a Srs Relationship which is Srs Bsns and Hard Work.

This might be correct. The Pedant once told me that he doesn’t like public displays of affection because he feels like if he walks around holding someone’s hand all the time it’ll feel too boyfriendy and he might forget that he’s actually allowed to see other people still. And when I first told him I had feelings for him his main concern is that this would suddenly cause me to be all possessive.

If The Pedant is a commitmentphobe, I wonder whether the last bit of The Letter I wrote him will in fact freak him out. Because I was quite deliberately implying that I am committed to him – not in the monogamous way but in the way of hoping to be with him a long time and being willing to work at the relationship.

The thing is, though, The Pedant has historically seemed to have some erectile dysfunction issues when he didn’t know where he stood with me emotionally. He used to go unexpectedly flaccid on me pretty much every time we saw each other, I think, and that seemed to go away once I told him I had feelings for him. When we broke up but I wanted to fuck him anyway, he had erectile difficulties again, but once we were officially back together things were fine (an instance or two when I jumped him first thing in the morning and his full bladder caused mechanical issues, but otherwise no problems). He got way more mushy-acting and affectionate with me after knowing I had feelings for him, too. So my impression was that he does crave security and some level of commitment, and that’s what I was catering to with The Letter.

It might actually be both: he wants security and commitment and is also afraid of it. That’s the headspace I’m in (and have probably always been in). I don’t like to feel entangled but I don’t like to feel adrift, either. Feh.

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