Blogging out my Pedant insecurities and answering the super insightful comments on those posts has helped me figure some important shit out.
It was brought up that the very fact of him falling for someone else and (therefore) wanting to spend more time with her and less with me makes me a second-class citizen. I actually disagree. My vision of poly is that relationships should settle at the level they reach naturally, which means sometimes things will shift and change. As long as everyone communicates clearly and respects all partners’ feelings, it’s fine. I mean, difficult sometimes. But fine.
That’s where The Pedant failed, though: in respecting my feelings. He waited until we’d already fucked and he was leaving to tell me that he and his other partner had decided to be monogamous for a while and he wouldn’t be having sex with me again for an indefinite period. And then…he left. Well, we talked about it a bit while he was getting dressed, but yeah. Basically he dropped an emotional bomb on me and then ran away.
If he’d told me at the beginning of that visit, and made me feel heard and understood when I told him how I felt about it, and snuggled me and reassured me and hopefully also had all the sex with me (so I could fuck him knowing it would be the last time) it would have been a hundred times better. I would have been sad about the sex (ostensibly) ending for a while but I would have felt supported and respected.
So what I need from The Pedant in order to feel secure again is the knowledge that he respects me enough to keep me apprised of any new developments that might affect our relationship, and cares about my feelings enough to help me adjust.
And he has gotten better about this. I think I just need to give things a bit more time (and give The Pedant a few more opportunities to step up) and my trust and security will be restored. But also I think I need to articulate the thoughts on this post to The Pedant to make sure he really understands where I’m coming from. He knows that I like a lot of warning before changes happen. I don’t think he realizes that I need him to stick around and process my feelings with me, too – that him leaving right after telling me big news, that time, was at least as horrible as the fact that he told me the news out of the blue.