I’m more jealous, with The Pedant, than I’ve been with any partner in a long while. Normally someone I’m dating can tell me how hot they think some other woman is or even that they’ve asked the hot woman out, and I’m pretty much fine with it. Maybe an easily-stifled twinge or two and that’s it. But when The Pedant tells me how hot another woman is, my emotions range from guarded to tearful, depending on the day.
Is it because he talks about that shit alllllll the damn time? Is it because I don’t remember ever having been this attracted to someone, so it feels like if he falls for someone else I have more to lose? Meh, a little.
But mostly, I’ve realized, it’s that I’ve never had a chance to feel secure. When we were dating the first time around, his behaviour with me sent mixed messages and I couldn’t tell if he saw me as a girlfriend or a fuckbuddy or what; I loved him but had no idea how he felt about me. The second time around, he told me he was dating OtherGirl and felt he had a future with her and would have to make me a lower priority right after I told him I wanted to date him again. And shortly after that, he was like “Yeah by the way I might cancel plans with you sometimes to go be with OtherGirl. Also, as soon as our STI tests come back clean I’ll be ditching condoms with her, which means I’ll be wrapping my junk up again with you.”
I’d spent so much time in my life teaching myself to be healthily poly by reminding myself that my partner having other partners doesn’t take anything away from me – but in this case it did. In this case The Pedant literally told me that he was taking away my bareback privileges because he wanted OtherGirl to have them instead, and that he would also be taking away time slated for me to give to her (although I made him recant on the latter because that is just bullshit). Oh, and then he suddenly decreed that he and OtherGirl were going to be monogamous for a while, thus taking all the sex away from me and giving it to her.
He and OtherGirl broke up a while back, and he has since told me that he considers me his primary partner and that he feels things between us are going well. But it’s pretty obvious that I’m only “primary” because OtherGirl – whom he loved more – is out of the picture. And I’m gun-shy and wondering if every chick whose hotness he prattles on about will be the next one to displace me.
If The Pedant had somehow managed to date OtherGirl without taking anything away from me, I think I’d be a lot less paranoid and insecure right now. Because it’s really not about the fact of him having stronger feelings for someone else. It’s the fact that him having stronger feelings for someone else had huge practical repercussions for me. Apparently, when he falls for someone, it fucks my shit up. So of course I’m gonna feel a bit tweaked whenever he seems to be into someone.
I’m not sure how to get my sense of security back. I might ask The Pedant to fully just stop talking about other women to me for a while, but I’m fairly sure he’ll forget and then I’ll have to be like “dude, you’re doing it again” and I’ll feel whiny/naggy in a way I don’t like.
I’ve already told The Pedant that it hurt a lot when he revoked my bareback privileges and gave ’em to OtherGirl; his response was that he was so head-over-heels for her that he would have wanted to give her the bareback option no matter what, “even if we were both married and cheating on our spouses and could only see each other once in a blue moon. She meant that much to me.” Okay awesome, way to rub salt in the wound dude.
Soooooooo my usual tack of airing out my feelings (and feeling better for having done so even if my partner doesn’t offer a solution per se) backfired on me.
And there’s no way for me to ensure that his future relationships don’t fuck me over; I can’t find security that way. The Pedant is an autonomous human being who gets to decide what he does with his heart and his cock, and he clearly wants to give them to whoever inspires a certain level of feeling in him, which is his right.
I think I may be out of ideas, aside from “wait a year and if he still hasn’t found a new #1 then probably this knot in my chest will start to ease up.”