I’m in a Facebook group of all-women. Safe, supportive space, blah blah blah. Last night I basically copypasted my previous post to them and asked how I can get my feelings of trust and security back with The Pedant.
Probably shouldn’t have done that. Got a bunch of “he’s maliciously pulling a power-play with you and you should break up with him” -type responses. One person even said “You think he loves you but based on this post I see no evidence of that” – well no shit, Sherlock, this is a post about an issue we’re having. Do I need to write eight paragraphs of warm fuzzy backstory about my relationship before I’m allowed to admit that I’m upset about something?
It really seemed like they were going full out torches-and-pitchforks on The Pedant for pretty much no reason; just totally assuming the worst about him based on one little plot point, no benefit of the doubt at all. But of course when I went to type a rebuttal, all I could hear were the echoes of every abused women in every Lifetime movie ever: “He hurt me by accident, not on purpose! He’s not like that! You don’t know him like I do!” I mean, I know that people will often make excuses for a partner who behaves badly. And the women in this FB group have usually seemed pretty reasonable and balanced to me when giving relationship advice to other people.
And suddenly reality seemed to warp around me. I have good instincts for people. I trust The Pedant. I trust the women in my FB group. They are telling me directly opposing things. So can I really trust anyone? Shit’s going all funhouse mirror on me and I don’t know how to push it back into proper perspective.
I haven’t had this whole “Oh shit I don’t know what’s real” feeling with accompanying panic since before I started taking these anti-anxiety meds. I’m very much suspecting that the meds have stopped working (as everything I’ve ever taken has, eventually). Which means my asshole brain has probably started manufacturing reasons for me to freak out, because that is what my asshole brain does. It also means that I’ll continue feeling insecure about my relationship with The Pedant no matter what is actually going on, unless/until I up my dose or get on some different medication. I hate feeling like this and yet I’m probably stuck with it for the next few weeks. Wheeeeee!
Also, here’s a fun fact: the first time around that The Pedant and I were dating (I’m counting from when Minx and I broke up and The Pedant became more than just my casual makeout side-piece) lasted about eight months before I freaked out about him not spending time with me, got paranoid that he was pulling a fade, sent a flurry of messages demanding he tell me what was up, and then dropped the hammer. I just counted how long we’ve been going out this time: eight months. I don’t think this is a coincidence. As much as I crave a stable long-term relationship, I also have commitment issues and I’m wondering if eight months is a point where I start getting antsy and try to sabotage things. Must peruse blog archives and see if the pattern holds with other people, too.
Edited to add: oh look. About eight months into my relationship with Minx, an incident happened that threw me into such an upset that I was ready to walk away from the relationship entirely. I can’t say for sure that this was the first time I’d gotten that pissed at her. But I think so.
Yet another edit: I just remembered that The Pedant once told me his longest relationship ever was eight months. So perhaps (as a commenter suggested) the eight month mark is kind of a pivotal point for a lot of people.