Just spent two days with The Pedant and it was good.
Since he loves being restrained and immobile so much during sex, and also tends to rear up off the pillow in a long stomach-crunch when he comes, I experimented with putting my palm in the middle of his chest and leaning down hard at that key moment so he has something to sort of strain against. I also started experimenting with purposely teasing him and drawing things out a bit. It all worked out well. 😀 During sex session #2 I actually leaned on his chest and grabbed a fistful of his hair with the other hand so he was really trapped…confined in a cage made of my arms and weight as he shuddered through a tremendous climax that seemed to keep going forever (“I’ve got you,” I whispered as he did that dry sob/aftershock thing. Planting soft kisses all over his face, one hand still gripped in his hair. Trying to make a safe space for him to be so vulnerable in).
Maybe it’s all the anatomy classes I’ve been posing for but I think a lot about The Pedant’s skeleton, holding up and giving structure to his pretty meat, giving me something solid to push against. I like to feel what the art instructors call his “bony landmarks” – the places where the skeleton comes to the surface of the skin and you can see the shape of the bones. The iliac crests. The sternum. The collarbones and the pit between them. The scapulae. I like feeling the resistance of his ribcage when I push down on it.
I love how much The Pedant digs being manhandled. He’s not a masochist; I can’t do anything outright painful or brutal or violent. But during sex session #1 I got so turned on that The Violence came over me a wee bit and I snarled and seized him by the throat (firmly but not with intent to squish) and this immediately triggered his orgasm. It’s not the first time this has happened.
Even the mere mention of me taking control of him makes him gasp. The First Fucking began with me lying back and him on all fours over me as I kissed and teased him; finally I said “get under me where you belong” and he gave that sweet little gasp of arousal and immediately scrambled into position. The Second Fucking was me straddling him the whole time, as usual; he petted my back during the preliminary kissing and I said “Use your hands while you can. I’ll be tying them down soon” and again he gasped. On a side note, he’s gotten better about not starfishing every single time we have sex. He touches me back at least sometimes.
During both sex sessions, he cuddled up to me after he came and then dozed off, but as soon as I fired up the Hitachi he became somewhat alert again and receptive to me asking for a hand. He helped me get off as many times as I wanted to and holy shit at one point he actually asked me if he was doing what I needed. I’m not sure I remember him ever actually asking me for feedback before. That is huge.
The Second Fucking ended in three resoundingly huge orgasms for me, after which I was completely melted and giddy. I snuggled up close to The Pedant and whispered in his ear that I wanted him and that I loved him. And I also seem to recall free-associating about how deliciously violent he made me feel and murmuring “slit the pretty boy open and crawl inside.” Good thing he doesn’t scare easily.
So that’s, like, four or five I-love-yous now with no response. It’s awkward; I’m not gonna lie. I’d prefer him to say it back. But he’s not able to and I still sometimes have a burning need to share my feelings with him anyway so it is what it is.
When I said the words to The Pedant this time, he did not react in any way at all. Didn’t hold me tighter; didn’t grow distant. Possibly he froze or possibly he just let the sentiment pass over him without it affecting him particularly.
But a little while later we hopped in the shower together and he lathered up his hands and gave me a nice, slippery shoulder-and-back rub (I’d complained of shoulder stiffness earlier) and then turned me around and just…gathered me up to him and hugged me. Tightly. And we stood under the running shower like that for possibly as long as ten minutes. By this point I was self-conscious that maybe my I-love-you had made me look clingy, so I returned the hug with equal fervour but kind of left some opportunities for him to gracefully step out of it – like, loosening my grip and sliding one hand around to his chest from time to time – so that he could move away from me naturally and there wouldn’t be some awkward moment of him pulling away while I was still pulling him to me. But he didn’t take any of my opportunities. He squeezed me tightly with his head buried in my shoulder; sometimes he’d caress my head or neck or back with one hand, but he’d always return to wrapping both arms around me, and he always kept his head buried in my shoulder so I couldn’t see what I’m sure would have been intense vulnerability in his face. And I felt him palpably beaming love into me, just as I’d beamed love into him during the last visit.
We went to a movie (Krampus, which was decent but I can think of ways it could have been better) and then he tagged along while I ran a couple of errands and unfortunately I think it was a bit too much and we were burned out on each other’s company. I can’t speak for him, but for me I’m so intensely attracted to him that it starts to hurt my brain after a while…anyway by the time we parted company I think we were both thoroughly ready to go back to our normal, solitary lives. We only had one brief kiss goodbye, even. It’s what I needed at the time but it sucks to have gone from that long, emotional shower hug to something two inches short of “good riddance”. I liked that intensity of feeling. I can’t sustain it, though.
And to that end, I think it’s perfect that I only see The Pedant once every week or three. The sex is blazingly intense in a way that would surely flicker out if we had more access to each other. Right now it’s kinda like we’re just having the best parts of a relationship, not the “meh” parts. Except for today, with the errand-running.
I feel like I’ll get that “I love you” from him eventually. I think he just needs more time to trust me. If/when it happens it will be the most amazing thing, like getting a wild animal to eat out of my hand. In the meantime I’m okay with him not saying the words, but showing me his feelings through the way he treats me. For now.