A dangerous superpower

I am a sexual chemistry generator.

I’ve always been good at reading body language, and I guess I figured out early on which things indicate chemistry/passion/whatever and I deploy them recklessly. I want intense, passionate makeouts and sex, is the thing, and I know how to make it intense with someone even if I don’t necessarily have big feelings for them, so I do. A certain kind of eye contact. Touching his face as we kiss. Probably a million other things I’m not consciously aware of doing. I honestly didn’t realize I did any of this until recently; I was running on pure instinct, just trying to make my encounters more satisfying.

The epiphany that I am a sexual chemistry generator was kicked off by a discussion thread on FetLife where a woman asked how you can tell if a guy is really into you and a bunch of people said shit like “by the way he kisses you” and I was like “hahahaha NO.” And then I thought “wait, do other people save all their best skills for when they’re in love? They just let the making out be totally mediocre and then when they fall for someone it’s like ‘Ooooh, now they deserve my good stuff!’?” And that’s when I realized that I purposely do some of the typical in-love shit when I make out, in order to heighten the experience.

It’s too bad I have social anxiety around pretty much every aspect of being a sex worker (hate using the phone, shitty at making small talk or being charming, don’t want strangers in my house but don’t know where else to go) because this talent of mine would be fabulous in that capacity.

On a side note, I once had a guy speculate that I prefer to initiate the first kiss on a date because I love the pursuit; that it’s all about chasing and catching someone more than actually connecting with them. “I don’t do that!” I said, indignantly. Then once I got home I thought about it some more and I was like “Ohhhhhhh shit. I totally do that.”

And now a bunch of my dating mishaps make sense. I start wanting to make my move on people I’m enjoying spending time with but maaaaybe don’t have that much sexual interest in per se, just to see if they’ll let me, because then I’ve won. And when they do say yes to me, I turn on my powers of sexual chemistry full force because it makes the kissing better for me and I like how dazed and dazzled they get.

But because there’s honestly not usually enough chemistry underneath it all to reasonably keep a relationship going, it’s all me manufacturing false momentum. My performance is so convincing that I even buy it myself, at first; so does the other person, but they’re not actually contributing much to it. It’s all me.  I’m basically elegantly service-topping the other person and not getting anything back, and it’s too much effort to keep up in the long term. So my interest abruptly collapses because the idea of sex with them just exhausts me. And then I have the awkward-as-fuck task of breaking up with someone who probably thought things were going really well, based on how I kissed/touched/looked at them.

This is what happened with The Doll, and V, and The Puppy (who I still see occasionally because he’s sweet and I like cuddling him, but I’ve been avoiding having sex with him), and god knows how many others.

My instinct to chase and catch also kicks into high gear whenever I’m hanging out with someone I used to date – even if I was the one who broke up with them – because hey, I wonder if they still want me? I wonder if I could seduce them yet again? Which has contributed to a lot of on-again, off-again shit in the past, but in recent years I have managed to remind myself that the person and I are “just friends” for a reason and that revisiting the physical side would be pointless. It’s gotten easier as time goes on. I used to feel totally tormented and consumed by the idea of trying to re-seduce an ex I was hanging out with, and now it’s just an occasional thought that I can brush aside. Except with The Pedant, obviously, whom I re-banged on three or four separate occasions when the relationship was officially over. 😛

I’m much more careful now about who I start up with. I’m keenly aware that my pull to kiss someone is often not attraction per se but an urge to conquer and win, and I try hard to parse that out and only move forward when I know I feel attracted at a visceral level. But I don’t know how to turn off my internal sexual chemistry factory. I don’t know how to kiss someone without putting all of my finesse into it and caressing their face and briefly breaking contact to look into their eyes. I don’t have a different category of kissing for people I’m just sussing things out with; I don’t have levels of makeout skill where I keep the good stuff in reserve for those I deem worthy. I don’t understand people who do.

So, it’s kind of a problem.



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2 responses to “A dangerous superpower

  1. Pingback: Sugar | hiding in plain sight

  2. Pingback: Coasting | hiding in plain sight

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