Oy, these kids are killing me, part eleventy-thousand.

I know there are 18-24yo guys who aren’t fucking idiots, dammit! There are a few who post regularly on the FetLife discussion groups I frequent and are just lovely (but live too far away for me to make a move).

But generally, it seems like most kids in that age group have a certain set of annoying…things. Mostly along the lines of not wanting to put any effort into establishing a relationship, and in fact not seeming to understand what “good conversation” or “having a rapport” with someone would even look like.

I happened across the profile of a 20 year old aspiring sub the other day. It’s a decent profile. No pic of him but he talks a lot about how he wants to serve a dominant – and the examples he gave were things that would actually be useful to most people, like housework, not things like being tied up and having his face sat on. He said that he’s a quick learner, attentive, etc., so it sounds like he actually plans on doing the housework WELLnot just lethargically pretending to do it while a scantily-clad dominant stands over him with a whip. He was all “I’m young and inexperienced so I’m having a hard time finding someone. I just need a dominant to give me a chance.” And he said he’d like someone experienced and mature.

So I wrote to him saying his profile caught my attention. I told him a little bit about myself (like, specifically showcasing the attributes I have that he said he wanted) and asked him some stuff about himself – not even kink stuff, just what movies and music he likes and stuff. I said I wanted to get a feel for who he is, not have some big transactional conversation.

I ended off by saying “Oh also my profile has an assload of information about what I’m like as a dominant and what I want in a boy, so if you want to know how compatible we’d be on a D/s level or how to impress or woo me, it shouldn’t be hard to find out.”

His response…did not give me a good idea of his personality. He technically answered my questions about movies and music: he likes “anything, but usually action, comedy, thrillers, fantasy, and an occasional drama/horror” and “pop, dance, R&B, country, hip-hop, soft rock” respectively. I just…I can’t even…he named practically all the genres of everything ever. With no examples of specific movies or bands. Does he not understand what I mean by getting to know him as a person?

At the end of the frankly rushed-sounding obligatory responses to my questions, he asked if we could move the convo to Kik or text. This gave me a super bad vibe, but it took me a few hours to figure out why: it’s because most people don’t type long missives on their phones. Kik and text guys are the ones whose idea of a good conversation starter is “hey.” So at the very least, we have way different ideas of what getting to know each other as people means. To me it means he has to type long enough messages for me to get a sense of his personality. To him it probably means boring sporadic “hey what are u up 2” messages. I actually don’t give a flying fuck what someone I’m texting is up to at any given time. That’s not a meaningful line of discussion, for me.

Also, guys who immediately want to go to Kik or texting, in my experience, try to steer the convo into cybersex pretty fast. So now I’m wondering if all the talk of “serving” was just a front – if what he really wants served is his own sexual gratification but someone told him “don’t lead with sex/kink!” so he neutered his profile entirely and is now pulling a bait-and-switch.

To be clear, I want sex to be part of any D/s relationship I have – but I still want it on my terms, framed as something my sub is doing to serve me. Saying shit via text to get some guy off feels way more like I’m the one serving him than vice versa and I’m not interested in it.

Anyhoo. I responded back saying I don’t want to text just yet, and asking if he had a pic he could show me.

He said he’d rather not send a pic so soon in the conversation, and then asked me to tell him a bit about myself and what I’m looking for in a boy. Soooooo apparently he’s not going to take the tip I gave him to go read my profile and writings. Jesus, I could hand one of these kids an actual pamphlet saying “here is how to make me fall for you and be your dominant forever and ever” with a smallish bullet-point list and they’d be like “yeah whatever so do you have Kik?”

That’s cool though because dommes looking for houseboys totally dig guys who want everything on their own terms and won’t make any effort to meet the domme’s needs OH WAIT NO WE DON’T.

Also, dafuq does he think I’m gonna do with a photo of his? This smacks of being ashamed of his kinks and being super paranoid of others finding out his dirty little secret. Spoilers: if I had a photo of his I wouldn’t print it out and tape it up al over town with the words “submissive houseboy HA HA HA” written on it. And I’m annoyed that he apparently thinks I might. I have a three-year history of writings and discussion group posts on FetLife. I have kink events listed that I’ve gone to or might go to. A glance at my posting history shows me frequently mentioning Mine and The Bunny and other subs/bottoms I’ve had some sort of ongoing relationship with. I think it’s fairly clear (if you READ MY DAMN PROFILE) that I’m not some vanilla gawker trying to lure dirty kinksters into my web so I can “out” them.

Also, the whole “tell me what you want from me” when he could have read it on my profile thing…it might just be laziness, but I kinda-sorta suspect he’s wanting me to type this stuff out specifically for him, for his titillation. Like if I just typed a straightforward overview of my idea D/s relationship I’d bet you just about anything he’d be really keen to hear specific details about, oh, I dunno, how I’d punish him if he messed up. Just so he’s forewarned, of course. He couldn’t possibly be wanking to it.

TL;dr I’m fairly sure this kid is too stupid to bother with but I’m giving it one last try: in response to his “I don’t want to send a photo but tell me what you’re looking for in a sub etc.” message I said “My ideal sub would read over the available info on me and then tell me why he’s a good fit. Just sayin’.”

I predict that he will not read my profile or writings in any detail. I think I’ll either get a generic response about how as a sub he just wants to make a dominant happy, or else he’ll blatantly try to pull the conversation back onto his terms, somehow. Like ask me another question (that could still probably be answered by READING MY DAMN PROFILE) or actually bitch about being asked to read things and put forth effort and stuff.

We’ll see.


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3 responses to “Oy, these kids are killing me, part eleventy-thousand.

  1. Andy

    On one hand, he’s not your submissive, so I can understand if he doesn’t feel prepared to carry out tasks to gain your approval. On the other hand, am I the only one who loves reading profiles on Fetlife and doesn’t consider it a task at all??? Well, maybe I’m just a big snoop 😀

    On an unrelated note, the picture thing combined with the title of this post is amusing me. I was raised that you never, ever, EVER share a photo of yourself online EVER. Of course i do, now, but it still feels like a super-intimate step to me. But that attitude usually seems to evaporate even in kids just a few years younger than me. I’ve regularly met total strangers in chat rooms who’ve immediately given me links to their Facebook accounts with pictures AND their real first and last names listed!

    • Yeah, he’s not my submissive. But dating in general involves trying to gain the other person’s approval. In my initial message to him I stated the things he’d said about himself in his profile that I liked, and I stated the things about me that match up with what he said he wanted. I was SELLING myself, yo! Profiles exist so you can tell the world who you are. I made sure to read his, to check for writings (there weren’t any) and to look at which discussion groups he’d joined and a little bit of his posting history so I could a) know for sure that I wanted to approach him and b) make a good impression when I did.

      And in return, he…asked me to re-type all the shit that was ALREADY ON MY PROFILE FOR ALL TO SEE, just for him, because clicking around on my profile for two minutes would be too much effort.

      This from someone who allegedly wants to be a houseboy – a post that requires effort and work ALL THE TIME. His laziness and disregard for my wants doesn’t bode well.

      Not to mention how his profile whined about how he just wanted to be given a chaaaaaance. Well, here I am: the mature, experienced dominant he claims to be so desperate for. I’m straightforward, I know what I want, I’m pretty hot, and I’m giving him a chance. You’d think he would be really, REALLY eager to please me, and that in fact he’d run to my profile and read it all on his own because he wanted to know all about me. But no.

      I feel like I just contacted a desperately poor unemployed dude offering him a job interview and he was like yeeeeah um could you like come over here instead? I don’t wanna have to put pants on.

      • Andy

        I know 😛 That’s why I said the second part about looking at a profile not really being work at all. I do all that as soon as anyone gives me their fetlife account, even if I don’t want to date them at all because…fun!

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