Well that was disappointing.

I have to get up at 10am tomorrow for work. The Pedant said he would probably leave work tonight by 9, which would bring him to my place by 11, which would allow us up to three hours in which to fuck and I’d still get a full night’s sleep after.

But as of 10pm he still hadn’t left, and two hours of awake-time with him seemed like not enough. And that’s if he even did leave soon and public transit didn’t have unexpected glitches. I can’t afford to be underslept tomorrow. So I said we’d better postpone.

What I super hate about this – even more than the sex I’m missing – is that from 9 til 10 I was sitting here frozen in an infinite brainloop and unable to get anything productive done. Because I know that The Pedant is often a bit too optimistic in estimating his ability to see me, and so I didn’t know whether he’d be coming over or not; if yes I would want to tidy the apartment some more and if no I’d probably forget the tidying and focus on getting my art shit sorted out for an upcoming arts and crafts fair I’m doing.

Even aside from the whole “is he or isn’t he” thing I usually have a really hard time getting anything done if I know I have plans later. I think it’s a holdover from when I was (even more) unhealthy and had to prioritize my spoon usage, plus anxiety about whether the upcoming thing (whatever it was) would go well. Tonight I was (thanks to my meds, I’m guessing) managing to tidy up and stuff from the time The Pedant suggested visiting up until 9pm when he was ostensibly going to head over. But then I just couldn’t do anything else until I heard that yes or no from him.

I have since explained that whole thing to him via text and asked if he could keep me in the loop a bit better in future. None of it in an accusatory way, just “here’s a thing my asshole brain does, and here’s a thing you can do that would probably help me out a lot.” He hasn’t responded yet; I think he must be heading home and not easily able to check his phone. Hopefully he’ll take my request in the spirit in which it was meant.

On a side note, he and a couple of other people I know don’t seem to take me seriously when I tell them I can’t see them for a while because I’m working too much. It frustrates me.

  1. I am an introvert and also my physical stamina can be kinda iffy. In the wake of my summertime poverty I panicked and took literally every job anyone offered me, which means for October and November I’ve ended up with up to thirteen days in a row without a day off and on a lot of those days I’m posing for two or even three classes. It’s a physically demanding job and also emotionally/intellectually demanding because I am being emotive and trying to come up with poses that fit certain criteria and, y’know, being stared at while naked. Two classes in a day is pretty exhausting for me. Two classes a day for multiple days is fucking brutal. And honestly I think even a “normal” person would have a hard time doing what I do.
  2. An average art class lasts three hours. So two classes a day is just six hours of work! Sure it’s exhausting but at least it leaves all kinds of time to do low-key get-togethers with loved ones, right? NOT IF THE CLASSES ARE AT TEN IN THE MORNING AND SIX AT NIGHT AT OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE CITY, which happens to me all the fucking time: wake up at 8am to get to the morning class on time, get home by two if all goes well, eat lunch, take a nap or run errands, maybe eat again if I have time, leave for the evening class, home at around 10pm. Most of my friends have day jobs so they won’t be seeing me during that three-hour window in the afternoon (which I usually need to spend catching up on sleep or grocery shopping, anyway) and those friends with day jobs will not be wanting to hang out with me at 10pm, either. Also chances are I need to go right home anyway so I can take a bath with Epsom salts to try to stave off muscle pain, get to bed by midnight, and do it all again the next day.

The Pedant is someone I can largely let my guard down and be comfortably silent with, so I’m willing to see him at times when I’m generally overloaded by human contact and would not want to hang out with someone else. But he lives far from me, I seem to need a lot of time to fuck him to my satisfaction, and fucking him makes my thighs sore and exhausts me, so there’s little-to-no point in him coming over during one of my time windows between shifts. I prefer for him to be able to spend the night, and for me to not have to work the next day (or not work til evening) so we can have sex in an unhurried fashion and I can recover from it a bit. I wish he would understand that when I say I don’t have time to see him, I mean it.

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