I never did bail on that new FetLife friend I mentioned a while back. He’s amusing enough, for now. I went to his place last night for dinner and movies and it was really fun.
But the point of this post is that he has a scale and I weighed myself on it and it said that I’m 201.8lbs.
That’s only like 5lbs more than I anticipated but breaking the 200 mark really freaks me out.
And I’m really weirded out because I fundamentally don’t get it. I can’t make my mind comprehend this. 200lbs is really pretty heavy even for someone my height (6′). When I first reached this height as a teenager I was 150lbs – mind you I was really unhealthy and really sedentary so surely a lot of my current weight is muscle – I mean my optimal weight at this point in my life might be 170 or so (waifish high-school me plus modelling muscles). But my brain keeps insisting that I’m 50lbs overweight.
But people in the classes I pose for regularly tell me that I have an amazing figure. Finsubs who’ve seen pictures of me swoon at my hotness. I look in the mirror and I see someone who isn’t fat by any stretch; robust, maybe; definitely not a waif by any means; but not fat. In the right light, when I flex my stomach muscles, I still have a visible sixpack.
But I weigh TWO HUNDRED POUNDS, which is basically cultural shorthand for “disgustingly huge and undesirable” when you’re a chick. Like I bet there are a hundred sitcoms where some guy is being set up on a blind date and says “She’d better not be two hundred pounds!”
I’d been meaning to exercise more and get the extra weight off for a while; when I stand up I’m a glorious bastion of hourglass curves, but when seated my stomach compresses in an unflattering way and it’s depressing seeing that reflected in everyone’s drawings. I’ve been lazy though (well, not lazy; using up a lot of my spoons working) and haven’t made much of an effort. Knowing I’m over 200lbs will kickstart the process, though, I think. Not even because the number itself freaks me out so much as I didn’t realize my bodyweight could even go up that high – I have a high metabolism and am accustomed to staying within a certain weight range almost no matter what I eat. But obviously I’ve started climbing up beyond my usual “high end”. I don’t want to keep on climbing to a point where my skin stretches out or I need all new clothes, so I gotta take steps.
I hope I don’t lose the new boobage but I probably will.