The Pedant has mentioned a few times now that he’s been “spending most of his time off with me.” It seems like a weird thing to keep bringing up. I can’t tell if it’s just that he’s a slightly weird conversationalist or if he’s making a point of telling me this so I’ll…what? Give him some kind of brownie points?
I’m a little worried that, somewhere along the line, he misinterpreted various things I’ve said to mean “I need you to sacrifice as much of your free time to me as possible or I might freak out and break up with you (again).” I can see how he (he, in particular, not a normal person) might come to that conclusion. And we know he’d rather die than ever, ever ask me for clarification on anything I say.
At the same time, though, when we were dating the first time around he got to a point where he was seeing me about as often as he does now – and none of our discussions about contact frequency had happened yet. That was all him. I think that as our relationship deepened he just…wanted to spend more time with me. As one does.
Not to mention all the times that, once he’s here, he can’t seem to leave.
I tentatively think what’s happening here is he’s smitten but won’t admit it to himself (because that would be…unmanly, or something?) so in his head he thinks of himself as coming over all the time because the ol’ ball-and-chain insists on it.
Or! He’s been putting off other stuff because of seeing me (he actually said this part) and will need to get caught up on that before he can see me again, so this was his weird way of warning me that there’s about to be a lapse.
In other news, while we were at lunch yesterday I mentioned that I’ve been bafflingly horny lately – it’s not even the horndog week of my cycle. The Pedant said it’s probably because I’m gettin’ laid on a regular basis. Well shit, he’s right. My sex drive tends to go dormant when there’s nobody much to spend it on; now I’m getting sex I really like from someone I’m beginning to trust and depend on. So my pilot light is burning again, hot and steady.
My sex drive is also waaaaay more sensitive to outside influences than it used to be, though. Since puberty, I’ve needed fantasies in order to get off – I can’t just stare at the ceiling thinking about nothing in particular. When I was younger I could fap myself to sleep even after a huge fight with my bf (I don’t remember what I thought about but I obviously found something), or get off to fantasies of various (straight, never-met-each-other) ex-boyfriends fucking each other. Nowadays my go-to fantasies are about whomever I’m currently fucking – but if he’s currently angry at me or having erectile dysfunction with me or sexually neglecting me, I can’t fantasize about him. Because he doesn’t actually seem to want me, and wanting someone who doesn’t want me makes me feel pathetic and not sexy. I also can’t fantasize about my partner doing anything that he wouldn’t actually do. It’s like I internalized the importance of consent one level too far and now I can’t even do certain things with my partner inside my head.
I’ve been having some difficulties orgasming lately in general and I’m wondering how much of that is psychological and how much is physiological. Making a doctor’s appointment is not something I feel up to right now so for now I’m gonna work at untangling the psychological part. The psychological part also involves other things too, which I’m also working on. But just the other day I was having a hard time getting off and I wanted to imagine a premature ejaculation sort of thing with The Pedant (nothing gets me off faster than the idea of a guy desperate to come – or so desperate to come that he goes off before anyone’s touched him) but I know The Pedant would never willingly do this and that knowledge kept short-circuiting my impending orgasm. I kept trying to tell myself that events inside my head have nothing to do with anything in the real world, but I just…couldn’t.
So today I briefly explained this and asked for his blessing to fantasize about him however I want. He said okay.
I’m still not sure this will allow my brain free rein.
As a thought experiment, I texted my friend Dom and asked him the same thing. Dom is the kind of guy who would cheerfully do all manner of things to turn a partner on (he was the “stunt cock” I brought in for Mine to practice blowjobs on, that time; more recently, he got dragged up on stage at a burlesque show and ended up kissing a dude just to make the audience howl. Dom is straight). He also granted me permission to fantasize, but it was less “Um okay that’s weird but whatever” and more “Ooooh, you want to get off while thinking about me? That’s awesome! Do it! Make imaginary-me do whatever you want!”
The Pedant, obviously, is my partner who totally turns me on. Dom is a friend with whom I’ve had some minor sexual shenanigans; I can see that he’s nice-looking but there’s no deep animal attraction there. Yet I suspect that the next time my brain cock-blocks me, it’ll be Dom who saves the day. Because he didn’t just agree to guest-star in my fap fantasies; he was enthusiastic about it.