More kinky Mad Men musings.

MAD MEN SEASON 6 SPOILERS

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So the show actually is blatantly portraying Don doing BDSM stuff, now – in the dominant role, so far. I’m glad to see that the slapping thing from Season 4 wasn’t just a random thing thrown in for titillation with no bearing on his actual character (and neither was his weird kinky fight with Megan, probably).

God, seeing Don boss his lover Sylvia around was hot. It turned me on like whoa, and that’s kinda weird to me because I’m dominant (so it’s not that I want Don Draper bossing me around) and straight (so it’s not that I want to be bossing around Sylvia).

And I puzzled about this for a while and finally realized: it turns me on because I want that dynamic for myself, with me in the “male” role and a guy in the “female” one.

Female dominants are often portrayed as manipulating through arousal and being blatantly sexy in order to get their way. That’s fine for those who like it, and I’m becoming somewhat more comfortable in a quasi-femme identity myself lately, but what I generally want as a dominant is to give a guy a boner because I’m powerful, not to have power over a guy because I give him a boner.

Don Draper didn’t writhe around and give his orders in a sultry voice. He didn’t make a pouty face to show off his lips, he didn’t bat his eyelashes, he didn’t wear something skimpy so Sylvia would be hypnotized by his body. He sat upright in a chair, fully-clothed in a three-piece suit, and calmly told Sylvia to crawl over with his shoes. She was reluctant at first, but his voice held absolutely no hesitation and no room for argument. He spoke as though he was absolutely certain that she would do as told, and so she did. And she found his effortless assumption of control sexy.

That’s what I want: straight-up control with no flavour of seduction to it. Being seductive to get what I want feels wussy, to me. It feels like bribing someone for a favour: “Would you do [thing] for me? I have boooooobs…”

I also want the other things most dominant straight men have: the unspoken but still very real ability to overpower their partner if need be and the ability to really use their partner as a sex object. Getting The Pedant to Hitachi me is great and everything but he’s taking an active role and this humanizes him. What I want is to be able to use his passive body to get off, like by humping his thigh or something. Oh, you don’t want to get me off? Oh, you’re asleep? Tough shit. You exist for my pleasure and you’re tied up and can’t leave. This is happening.

But I can’t get off by humping stuff anymore. I used to be able to, but not now.

So much of F/m seems to revolve around a tacit asking of permission (by the dominant) in a way that M/f does not. “I’m gonna use you to get off! – If you’ll go get my vibrator and apply it to me.” “Go do this thing for me! No, seriously. Because, um, boobs!” and I hate it.

I’ve often thought to myself, what if I tell a sub to do a thing and he flat out says no to me? All I can do is huff and stomp my foot, really. And, okay, technically that’s all any dominant can do if we’re properly respecting consent. It’s not okay to drag someone by the hair or whatever unless you’re in an agreed-up bratty/consensual nonconsent type of dynamic.

But I feel that in many M/f relationships, even when consent is paramount and the guy would never overstep his bounds, there’s a little frisson for both parties just knowing that he could. That the need to be a good, consent-respecting person is the only thing holding him back from taking what he wants by force. I want that in my relationships, and on a fundamental biological level I just can’t have it. And it makes me sad.

12 Comments

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12 responses to “More kinky Mad Men musings.

  1. sean

    “what I generally want as a dominant is to give a guy a boner because I’m powerful, not to have power over a guy because I give him a boner.”

    This is pure fantasy and will never occur in the real world. Sort of like my desire for a dominant woman who is not a sadist. It simply does not exist.

    I feel there is a lot of fantasy that we all see in fiction and media and we expect to be able to find these things in the real world. Like the following statement, “Oh, you don’t want to get me off? Oh, you’re asleep? Tough shit. You exist for my pleasure and you’re tied up and can’t leave. This is happening.”

    That is a great fantasy, and in fiction you could use artistic license to avoid the simple fact that in real life that is called rape. No person is capable of consenting to non-consent. Role play yes, but acting doesn’t have the same effect as the real deal.

    BDSM is full of frustrated people looking for things which honestly I can say exist only in our fantasies. Ah the irony of life.

    • Apparently you’ve missed the fact that a SHIT TON of M/f couples have an agreement that he uses her body any time he wants. Yes, obviously if the woman really really wants him to not to at some point she can say “no, seriously, DON’T” and he needs to respect it. But the rest of the time? It’s negotiated consensual nonconsent. It’s “play-acting” to the extent that the woman LIKES being made to fuck when she doesn’t want to, so there’s a kind of meta-enjoyment there that would not be present during rape. And this meta-enjoyment is precisely what I want. I never said I wanted to rape someone, only to be able to use them whenever I want.

      Plenty of guys like the idea of being sexually used, too, but with my physiology the way it is, me using a guy for sex would involve him taking an active role. So if I feel like getting off while he’s asleep and I try to wake him up but he’s just too dopey and out-of-it to wield my vibrator, I’m shit outta luck. Whereas if I were a dude I could just roll him over and fuck his ass.

      There are lots of dominant women who aren’t sadists, by the way, and lots of submissive men who don’t need a woman to act all slinky and sexy in order to inspire obedience (I’ve dated several – I just don’t have one right NOW, which is why I was lamenting). You seem to be going “LALALA I haven’t seen a thing so it CAN’T POSSIBLY EXIST” and this pretty much makes me discount whatever else you have to say on the subject of D/s. You don’t seem to be grounded in reality at all.

      • sean

        I think what your talking about is more “non-consent role play”, but that is not non-consent. You are consenting to that play. Inside the play is simulated or acted non-consent. Because the consent can be withdrawn at any time. It is there. In rape it is not there.

        You say there are dom women who are not sadist, but my opinion differs. I have researched extensively and have been involved to some degree or another with BDSM in San Francisco and Seattle for over 20 years. I have never seen a single example of this mythical woman. Like Bigfoot, people can choose to believe in it but until there is an example or proof of existence then I for one am comfortable saying they don’t exist.

        I don’t think it is wrong, but it is worth knowing this if I have a fantasy that involves such a woman. I will be frustrated if I think such women exist, and all I need to do is find them. The frustration will come from the fact that search as I might, I will not find.

        Maybe we are thinking of the term ‘sadist’ in different ways. I include verbal and physical and even attitude and sexual arousal in my personal definition of sadistic. Just because something is in our nature (like violence being in male’s nature) doesn’t mean we ever choose to act on it. It could just be there. So for sure there are women who are dominant who have total control over this aspect of their nature and it is never seen. Doesn’t mean it is not there. If a woman is dominant and has two subs, one who is a masochist and the other who is not; she can entertain her sadistic nature with one and control her nature and be a “gentle dom” with the other. But, notice I said gentle. In other words the basic dynamic is still based on sadist/masochist and not dom/sub. She just uses ‘gentle’ sadistic activities like verbal humiliation for example. It could even be a subtle as female superiority beliefs.

        There is not even a term for “dom/sub strictly absent sadist/masochist”. There is female led relationships, but that is loaded with attitudes which are totally sadistic. The term we have is BDSM, as though the “S&M” is glued to the “B&D”. S&M exists as a term on its own, but dom/sub doesn’t. There is a reason for that.

        I’m talking sex here, not lifestyle. People choose lifestyle for higher level reasons than sex drive. In a lifestyle relationship every conceivable variation of dom/sub sadistic/masochistic exists and I totally get that.

        My comment was on the thing you said about wanting to give a guy a boner due to your power. I simply do not believe it is within the males nature to have sexual desire tied to power. Maybe I’m wrong but you seemed frustrated in your search for said male, which reminded me of my frustration searching for said female. I believe my frustration is due to looking for something which doesn’t exist, and I thought that could be a thing for what you were saying. I think these things and probably many more are fantasies, and those fantasies do exist in fiction, and so we seek them in the real world.

        We can fabricate the appearance of these things because we are human and we have control of our decisions and behaviors. I could role play where we agree we have no sadistic activities. I have tried this more than once. The problem is the sadistic desire is still there. It reveals itself in subtle ways we don’t have control over. I end up being able to see through the fabrication and acting doesn’t work on me.

        Then again maybe unicorns are real, I just haven’t seen one yet. I do find it odd that I have never met a dom woman who was not a sadist; and every single one of them are convinced that non-sadistic dom women exist. What is up with that?

        I had lots of discussions on fetlife talking about this dynamic and basically went through the loop of, “they exist, not they don’t, yes they do, etc”. This went on for some time. After talking with some 30-50 dom women who were all sadists I was contacted one day by a woman. She said that non-sadistic dom women are a bit put off by the BDSM communities and are more private and tend to be in more traditional relationships (except F/m of course). We discussed at great length the connection between aggression/sadistic/sex drive within female nature. She is married to a male who is a strict non-masochist and they looked to have the kind of relationship I had always thought of.

        Then a couple months later I saw an update on her profile where she posted a picture of her new toy and she was more than a little excited about it.

        It was a whip.

        • “I think what your talking about is more “non-consent role play”, but that is not non-consent.”

          The term you’re looking for here is “consensual nonconsent.” WHICH IS THE TERM I USED.

          “There is not even a term for “dom/sub strictly absent sadist/masochist”.”

          The term you’re looking for here is “sensual dom/sensual sub.”

          “My comment was on the thing you said about wanting to give a guy a boner due to your power. I simply do not believe it is within the males nature to have sexual desire tied to power.”

          Dafuq do you think being sexually submissive even IS?

          I can’t even get through the rest of your tedious bullshit comment. Kindly stop trying to mansplain D/s to me and fuck off with your gender essentialism.

          • sean

            Misandry,
            OK I get it. Sorry to have a penis and an opinion. My bad.

            • I don’t think you do get it.

              You repeatedly tried to explain shit to me that I KNOW MORE ABOUT THAN YOU DO. It’s actually pretty hilarious.

              Also, you opined that men are incapable of certain emotions and have violence hardwired into them and then called ME a misandrist. MOAR HILARITY!

              • sean

                I doubt very much you’re more knowledgeable than I am, but who cares.

                Let’s not fight. Let me leave you with this thought instead:

                Q: “Dafuq do you think being sexually submissive even IS?”
                A: Getting woken up in the middle of the night and getting told, not asked, to wake up. Once awake I am told that my lover needs servicing. Saying “thank you”, I then ask her what to do and she tells me exactly what she would like. i apply my skills to the best of my ability to do those things i know she likes with no thought whatsoever to my own sexual gratification. She is kind and loving toward me and does not use abusive language nor abusive tactics to get what she wants. Words only, and soft loving words at that. I do not engage in any silly BDSM script which degrades myself in any way. I respect my lover and myself. She respects me and herself.

                Thant is my personal idea of F/m.

                P.S. I removed most of the post as I feel you don’t like me posting long comments. I’m going to post that writing elsewhere…

  2. Andy

    I thought about commenting about this scene on your last post, since it was definitely a…uh…memory for me, but I figured (wrongly, as you’ve explained) it wouldn’t be your thing. It was…yeah, really something *shivers*

    For what it’s worth, I’ve felt similarly melty and obedient for 6-foot-tall guys and 5’3″-women. I guess, yeah, rationally the 5’3″ woman couldn’t make me do anything (though I did have a friend in high school who was about 5’3″ and could wrestle anyone to the floor…) but by the time I actually get to the point of wanting to submit to someone, I’ve usually elevated them to a high enough pedestal in my mind that they have–slightly, at least–powers beyond just the physical over me. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels that way.

    (That being said, if being able to overpower someone really IS something you hold dear, you could always try body-building stuff, health permitting? You might not ever be able to overpower Vin Diesel, but you could certainly become stronger than a good portion of men.)

    • Call me a pessimist but I don’t think working out would make me stronger than “a good portion of men.” It couldn’t hurt, though. And if I learned shit about pressure points and leverage, too, then that would make me fairly formidable. Don’t really have the spoons for any of that at the moment.

      I like hearing that you’ll go melty for the right person regardless of their physical stature. 😀

  3. qwertyne

    this is a naive question, but does bounding them kill the magic you are talking about? because it does make people easy to overpower. 🙂

    • qwertyne

      I mean, I am not trying to pretend to be the inventor of restraints, or the bringer of the good news to your life, I was just thinking out loud. sorry if it came out awkward

    • Ah, but if a person doesn’t want to be overpowered then he’s not gonna let me cuff him in the first place. 🙂

      I like bondage. I LOVE that The Pedant eagerly and willingly offers me his wrists and ankles to cuff. I love that I can say “Okay, I’m tying you up now” in a regular non-seximafied voice, while wearing cat-hair-covered sweatpants and a stained t-shirt, and he’ll STILL immediately offer himself up to me.

      Still doesn’t solve my desire to use a partner as a completely passive object for getting me off. Or my desire to command a sub to crawl across the floor to me on his hands and knees, which I haven’t done with The Pedant because I strongly suspect he would refuse. 😛

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