Fuck you, AnxietyBrain.

Ugh. I’ve had my anxiety/paranoia bullshit tamped down pretty good for the past while, but.

Yesterday I texted The Pedant “I miss you. But this time it’s in an almost pleasant, bittersweet way and not an anxious way. You’ve helped me to feel more secure than I did the first time around. Thank you. :)”

He read it not long after I wrote it (again: I say I “texted” but actually it’s What’s App, where you can see shit like that). He did not reply. I assumed that he was busy, or that he didn’t know how to handle my onslaught of mushiness (if I tell him my leg muscles hurt from fucking him he’ll say “you’re welcome” but when I actually thank him for something I suspect he’s at a loss). That’s fine. Whatever.

Today I sent a bit of small-talk in the afternoon and an announcement of HUGE NEWS in the evening (welfare unexpectedly gave me more money! I didn’t qualify for a normal monthly payment but there are various kinds of bonuses and weird things I do qualify for and I guess they all came through at once. I can pay my rent!!!!). Both texts were read within an hour or so of me sending them. Neither were replied to. By now he should be home from work after a long, uneventful bus ride – during which, in the past, he’s often called me to pass the time. But still nothing.

So of course my asshole brain immediately jumps to the idea that me saying I feel secure in the relationship made him lose interest in me, or decide “Oh, I guess I don’t have to try anymore,” or something.

Deep breaths, deep breaths, deep breaths. It’s really probably fine. But it’s the most unfortunate of unfortunate coincidences that his lapse in communication is happening now.

Deep breaths.


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2 responses to “Fuck you, AnxietyBrain.

  1. Play

    *hugs if wanted

    I feel you (I think).

    • Thank you.

      And he resumed talking to me again today (although without acknowledging the mushy thing I said. Predictably.)

      I wonder how many times we’ll go through this cycle before I can trust that he’s always coming back? I thought him TELLING ME that he would never pull a fade might have fixed this shit but I guess not.

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