So close and yet so far.

While The Pedant was here, he and I got talking about premature ejaculation (i.e. the fact that it’s a kink of mine). I know we’d talked about this sort of thing before but I guess he must have forgotten because (once again) he expressed surprise that it would be of interest to me. I asked if we could make such a thing happen via him abstaining from masturbation for a while before seeing me next. He said that if he did that he’d end up lasting 15 seconds, tops, and then need a refractory period before he could fuck me properly. At the time his convincing tone made me think that 15 seconds would indeed be too short for me, but once he left and I thought about it some more I decided that it would be crazy fucking hot to see him go off so fast. I was obsessing on the idea all night long and today I texted him:

Me: I have decided that I definitely need to see this alleged 15 second launch time of yours. Plz to start abstaining the weekend before we see each other. [later] Ha! The automated soap dispenser in the work washroom just misfired, catapulting white foam onto the floor. FORESHADOWING.

Pedant:

Me: I see I’ve rendered you speechless. [later] Oh, and while you’re abstaining? I’m gonna do my best to torment you. 😀 [much later, after work] I can’t believe I made it through a double shift at [school] with a bangover.

Pedant: I knew you could do it. 😛  …To put it bluntly, I’m not comfortable with the short-takeoff, or with the abstaining from anything for days beforehand.

Me: Fair enough. You do understand that it’s not a humiliation thing for me but just hot?

Pedant: Yes.

Me: Can you tell me more about your discomfort with the idea? I’d like to understand.

Pedant: Going several days without a manual override is physically uncomfortable, and sex acts that last under a minute are even less fun for me than abstaining.

Me: Only takes a couple of days for things to get uncomfortable? [note: Mine would go weeks with no problem. The Bunny could go a week or so before it started to be an issue] I’m not gonna pretend I’m not disappointed, but I don’t want to cause you undue stress. Thank you for addressing this with me directly.

Pedant: Actually, about a day and a half.

Me: Rawr.

I have some thoughts about this exchange.

  1. When The Pedant and I were first on the topic in person, he said that guys hate coming quickly because it reminds them of being a teenager and makes them feel stupid and embarrassed. The Pedant has a habit of couching his own feelings as the feelings of all men everywhere. So while I do believe the physical discomfort thing he told me later, I also think a huge part of this for him is his need to feel like some big manly-man in bed. This is why my first reaction was to make sure he understood that the act itself would turn me on; it wasn’t part of some big humiliation fetish and I wasn’t going to say mean things to him or anything. I really think he can’t get past his own issues and understand how such a thing could be hot for me.
  2. I’ve had a kink for premature and/or hands-free ejaculation for my entire adult life and can only think of one person who’s actually had such a thing happen with me. Doesn’t seem fair. The stereotype is that virgins will go off the second they get near a woman’s naked body but literally every virgin I ever had couldn’t come at all the first time we had sex. And most of the time the main reason I’d slept with them was to witness that stereotype of the dude so overcome by arousal that the mere proximity of ladyparts made him explode. But nope, instead I got an hour of monotonous thrusting that led nowhere.
  3. Oh noes, The Pedant would find abstaining/coming too quickly uncomfortable and not-fun! Heaven forbid he experience an uncomfortable amount of bottled-up arousal (like I have on many occasions when he’d pass out right after PIV and leave me hanging) or do something that wasn’t fun the whole time (like the times I’ve jerked him off for literally hours at a time – forearm muscles screaming, fingers pruned from prolonged lube immersion – because he refused to admit that he was having an off day and wouldn’t actually be able to come that night).
  4. No but srsly the fact that he won’t do this for me is a painful reminder that he’s not my sub. He’ll play the role of bottom sometimes if it turns him on to do so, and that’s as far as it goes. If I want him to do something in bed that doesn’t turn him on, he’s just not going to. And to that end, the bondage collar he bought me and all of the recent “Ooooh lookit me I’m yer slaaaaave” dirty talk just seems mean. I liked it better when I framed our relationship as vanilla but allowed myself to derive domly feelings from certain aspects. The Pedant got my hopes up that maybe there would be something more, and now I’m not sure I can squish those desires back down into the box.

Dammit.

1 Comment

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One response to “So close and yet so far.

  1. Pingback: Some random Pedant/sex musings. | hiding in plain sight

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