The Pedant finally responded to my question about what the collar means/what he wants BDSM-wise. Is still responding, actually. I’m more-or-less live-blogging this.
Pedant: In addition to enjoying the bondage, I also enjoy aggressive female tops, and the feeling of dis-inhibition that comes with that kind of play. [Note: I wish he would make this about me instead of talking about tops in general, but whatevs. He’s not a person who talks about intimate things too easily so I imagine this is his way of distancing it] The collar was more an expression of gratitude. I had reason to expect that you’d enjoy it, and you’ve been good to me. [I actually started answering him before I saw that second part, so…]
Me: Dis-inhibition as in being able to let go because she’s in charge? Also d’awwwww. ❤
Me: Does this also mean you’re open to being told what to do (in a sexual context; I don’t guess you’d take orders outside of it)?
Me: Good to know. Is there any kind of pain you like at all?
Me: Just checking. With you I can get the strong reactions I crave without going there so I actually don’t feel the absence much. Other guys often don’t vocalize unless I get vicious. [Yeah that was me wedging other dudes into the conversation as revenge for him wedging other chicks in there earlier. I doubt he even notices this shit but it makes me feel better on principle.]
Pedant: You’ll never have that problem with me. On that note, I need to sleep.
Me: Yup, you do. Sweet dreams. Good talk. 🙂
And it was a good talk. It confirmed that the collar was really just meant as a gift, and that The Pedant isn’t into any sort of pain whatsoever. and also I learned for the first time that he’s open to taking orders.
When I’m lavishing sexytimes attention on The Pedant, he goes nonverbal really quickly to a point where if I ask him a question he visibly struggles to speak. I go to the nonverbal place when someone’s lavishing attention on me, too, and I like it there; I want to roll around in it undisturbed for as long as I can. And I’ve been kind of assuming that a) The Pedant is experiencing the exact same thing that I do and b) being spoken to at all or asked to actively participate in the sexytimes would ruin it for him. And since I like seeing him all dazed and stupefied and moaning and helpless anyway, I’ve been generally letting him be a passive object to whom I am doing things and of whom I request nothing.
But some days it bugs me how he gets the lion’s share of attention in bed; it bugs me how he totally starfishes. I’ve been wanting to assert myself more, and haven’t been because, well, making him come so hard that he’s stunned and seems like he’s stealth-crying for the next five minutes really feeds me as a dominant and I didn’t want to do anything that would detract from that. But now I know that he might very well still be turned on and engaged and have an awesome orgasm even with me making demands on him. Which is making me very much want to get him caught up on how to properly get me off (as opposed to the various and sundry things he kept doing before despite my repeated corrections) and then use him to the fullest. I’m loving the idea that he wants to be used. I had no idea he was even into that, and I think it might be a game changer. If we both go into this with the notion that he’s there for my pleasure, I won’t have such a hard time asking for what I want or telling him when he’s doing it wrong. And perhaps that headspace will help him listen to my needs better (although I think my blistering YOU SUCK IN BED email kinda did that, anyway).