Texting with The Pedant

Me: I think your stupid awesome penis gave me a UTI (read that in Cheryl Tunt’s voice, it’s funnier). Still totes worth it. But I gotta regale you with stories ’cause if I’m suffering as a result of sex with you, you should suffer, too. OW MY URETHRA. IT BURRRRRNS.

Pedant: I’ll remind you to use the toilet after each penetration in the future.

Me: I did, though! Pretty sure I did, anyway. For exactly that reason. [Later] Goddammit this is so unpleasant. I can never fully empty my bladder because every time I start peeing it HURTS and I clench involuntarily. STUPID AWESOME PENIS.

Pedant: I suspect this brings a whole new meaning to “feel the burn.”

Me: Come closer so I can show my appreciation of that joke properly.

Pedant: I came inside you. I literally could not come any closer.

Me: Your pun has me caught between wanting to facepalm and wanting to fap. Awkward.

Pedant: You have two hands.

Me: You, sir, are a genius. I’ll be in my bunk.

Incidentally, I Googled home remedies for UTIs and found one that uses items I already had on-hand: apple cider vinegar and baking soda, mixed into water and drunk as often as I can stand it. It seems to be helping. Tastes surprisingly okay, too – like an even-less-sweet version of ginger ale, kinda.

Also, while The Pedant was over, I was complaining that my thighs were sore from all the cowgirl sex and added “The problem, I guess, is that your cock is perfect and I just can’t stay off it.” The Pedant seemed completely caught off-guard by this and said something like “That…is an amazing thing to hear. Thank you” which is about as mushy or effusive as he gets. I assumed he knew how enamored I am with his junk…lord knows I’ve told him “god, I love your cock” enough times while fucking him. Maybe he thought that was token dirty talk or an expression of affection and not, like, literal. But yeah, “your stupid awesome penis…” was kind of a follow-up to that compliment, and I totally was imagining it in Cheryl Tunt’s voice when I wrote it.

7 Comments

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7 responses to “Texting with The Pedant

  1. Leah

    As someone who was plagued with debilitating UTIs since I was 17 (I am not sure why I am talking in past tense, as I have been without one for about 6 months, which is quite a long stretch for me and much shorter for the general public… I think I am just hoping I’m mostly done with them), this just makes me clench in sympathy. That definitely sucks.

    I have tried to treat even the slightest amount of UTI pain with home remedies (though I gave up the ACV + baking soda mix after vomiting it up horribly one time), but I have never had a full-blown UTI that could be completely resolved without medication. Though, I’m a special case I think, what with my urethra that just holds up a sign saying, “Bacteria? COME ON IN!!” no matter what I do, and I’m highly sensitive to any inflammation or irritation in the area.

    I only drink water and a small amount of black coffee, and I eat a vegan diet, and I of course follow all the general recommendations for reducing the risk other than just NOT partaking in sexual activities. I’ve seen specialists too… I remember as a younger woman being aghast that a doctor would suggest that perhaps I was not wiping properly. I asked if she wanted a demonstration.

    So anyway. That is annoying, and I’m sorry. *pats*

    • Thank you. ❤

      I'm really lucky in that my immune system is kickass. I can usually conquer most things pretty quickly without needing medical intervention.

      The Pedant has given my ladybusiness more issues than anyone else, though. First that yeast infection (because we bareback and his stupid semen messed up my pH balance, apparently), then a bunch of times after sex where I kinda-sorta felt a yeast infection coming on, but it never actually did (KICKASS IMMUNE SYSTEM WOOT) and now this UTI. Conversely, he has had NOTHING bad happen to him whatsoever as a result of sexing me. I get kinda bitter sometimes. Feels like vulvas are badly designed.

      Since sex causes UTIs by pushing bacteria up into the urethra, I'm wondering whether swabbing the area with alcohol before sex would help any. Like, to kill whatever might be lingering there.

      • Don’t alcohol genitals before sex. Oh god just don’t, you need vaginal mucous membrane not-desiccated. Bareback sex, especially with an uncircumcised penis involved, is just going to move more bacteria around. Him showering and washing directly before sex might help with prevention, being hydrated/urinating directly after sex should help with prevention, cranberry juice (watered down but without added sugar) is pretty effective, and there are a few otc medications for UTIs, though I’m not sure how they’re branded in Canada. If you find his fluids mess with you Ph-wise or cause allergy-type inflammation (side note–I was allergic to ex-Spouse’s semen. NOT FUN), using a lube that doesn’t cause you problems can reduce those issues.

        I’m sorry about the UTI, sympathy pains all around. Also the pun made me laugh quite literally and loudly even though I hate puns, what have you done to me?

        • Ahhh crap I forgot it’s possible to be allergic to someone’s semen. Maybe that’s a factor in play here (I THOUGHT I almost got a couple yeast infections but fought ’em off, but maybe the burning was an allergic reaction those times).

          COME TO THE PUN SIDE. I live here. You’ll like it. 😀

  2. J

    I’ve also been plagued by UTIs for years – horrible things! I find putting a hot water bottle between my legs helps with the ouchiness (although it seems like the last thing you’d want to do until you do it). Also, Buscopan, the IBS over the counter medicine works like a damn dream for me. A tip someone passed on to me that I never thought would work! Anyhoo, hope you feel better.

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