Me: I think your stupid awesome penis gave me a UTI (read that in Cheryl Tunt’s voice, it’s funnier). Still totes worth it. But I gotta regale you with stories ’cause if I’m suffering as a result of sex with you, you should suffer, too. OW MY URETHRA. IT BURRRRRNS.
Pedant: I’ll remind you to use the toilet after each penetration in the future.
Me: I did, though! Pretty sure I did, anyway. For exactly that reason. [Later] Goddammit this is so unpleasant. I can never fully empty my bladder because every time I start peeing it HURTS and I clench involuntarily. STUPID AWESOME PENIS.
Pedant: I suspect this brings a whole new meaning to “feel the burn.”
Me: Come closer so I can show my appreciation of that joke properly.
Pedant: I came inside you. I literally could not come any closer.
Me: Your pun has me caught between wanting to facepalm and wanting to fap. Awkward.
Pedant: You have two hands.
Me: You, sir, are a genius. I’ll be in my bunk.
Incidentally, I Googled home remedies for UTIs and found one that uses items I already had on-hand: apple cider vinegar and baking soda, mixed into water and drunk as often as I can stand it. It seems to be helping. Tastes surprisingly okay, too – like an even-less-sweet version of ginger ale, kinda.
Also, while The Pedant was over, I was complaining that my thighs were sore from all the cowgirl sex and added “The problem, I guess, is that your cock is perfect and I just can’t stay off it.” The Pedant seemed completely caught off-guard by this and said something like “That…is an amazing thing to hear. Thank you” which is about as mushy or effusive as he gets. I assumed he knew how enamored I am with his junk…lord knows I’ve told him “god, I love your cock” enough times while fucking him. Maybe he thought that was token dirty talk or an expression of affection and not, like, literal. But yeah, “your stupid awesome penis…” was kind of a follow-up to that compliment, and I totally was imagining it in Cheryl Tunt’s voice when I wrote it.