All the Things happened today.

First off, paypet messaged me for the first time in weeks. I’d basically given up on him. I wasn’t definitely pissed off by his silence because I know he has addiction issues and he’d mentioned a while back that they were getting worse and needed to be addressed. And that’s exactly what was up. Also, remember that time when his finances didn’t seem to add up and he was kind of belligerent about it to me? It’s because he was BUYING DRUGS. I’m a dumbass for not figuring that out before, but in fairness all he told me is that he’s hooked on pain pills and will take one every day or two, kind of thing. But no, he told me today that his habit had escalated and was costing him hundreds of dollars a week. And that’s why a boy who lives with his parents and works full time was borrowing hundreds of dollars from other people.

Well, he got himself clean and now he seems gung ho to spend money on me again. I am of course aware that things will almost certainly go tits-up again at some point, but I’m gonna try to ride the waves and enjoy the good bits as much as I can.

And then The Pedant texted me for the first time in a while, offering to come over and help me shop for a tablet. We agreed on Friday for the shopping day, and I asked if he could spend the night because I wanted to tie him to my bed and ride him until we both pass out.

He said he wouldn’t be able to stay the night. I said too bad because I’m just getting into the horndog week of my cycle. He basically said “Well you’re in luck because my other partner dumped me so I now have more free time to give you.”

I must say, I had not expected this news. I asked him what had happened and he said he’s not exactly sure – he thinks something he did or said reminded her of an awful ex-boyfriend. She said he was twigging her anxiety issues and she couldn’t see him anymore. The Pedant had always talked so much about how this woman wasn’t at all fazed by his idiosyncrasies that have driven me batshit crazy, anxiety-wise, that I guess I assumed she wasn’t the anxious type. Guess she’s got some stuff going on, after all.

I feel bad about the breakup, of course, but also relieved because I’d been seriously wondering how his idea of “focusing on her” was gonna play out (his initial idea that he would randomly cancel plans with me to be with her was not an auspicious sign, for instance…).

Also, I had an epiphany: I’ve been working on becoming healthily poly for a long time now. I’ve made myself understand that a partner’s other partners aren’t competition or replacement for me and I don’t have to feel insecure. But, when The Pedant decided to remove my fluid-bonding privileges and award them to his other girl instead, that of course felt very much like I’d lost a competition and been replaced (at least in that one small capacity). That aspect of this whole mess bothered me more than anything else, I think.

But he never did ditch the condoms yet with her – they were gonna wait until their latest round of STI tests came back okay – and now they’ve broken up. My status with The Pedant as Only Person He Doesn’t Use Condoms With remains unchanged. So it looks like I’ll be able to fuck him bareback when I see him next. Hopefully for the foreseeable future, too, but who knows…turns out The Pedant wants to settle down with someone one day just like normal people so I assume the next good candidate he meets will be usurping my privileges again.

The Pedant seemed eager to “make it up to me” for not being able to crash here on Friday night; he offered me Thursday and Saturday night, instead. And was about as effusive as he ever gets about the prospect of seeing me. I kinda feel like he was muting down his feelings for me while his other girl was in the picture (because he had to “focus on her” or whateverthefuck) and maybe now that she’s gone he can begin to open up again.

We’ve had a bit of a comedy of errors together, he and I. For a while it seemed like we were growing closer, he started seeing me more often and spending days at a time at my place. He started doing that thing where you wanna say “I love you” but you’re too chicken so you tell the person a bunch of stuff you love about them, instead. But then he got that all-consuming new job and my anxiety bullshit reached epic heights and shit just wasn’t working so we broke up (at which time I told him I loved him via email and he told me it was mutual). When we met up a year or so later and I wanted a nostalgia-bang, he seemed to interpret this as us being back together (and did the “I love this, I love that” thing again all night…) and I wasn’t feelin’ it on any level. Also the sex was awful and I emailed him and told him so and it turned into a whole thing. And then eventually we talked some things through and I said I was amenable to us being an item again, but by this time he was already seeing OtherGirl and was probably focusing on those emotions (and definitely focusing on her as far as allocation of time). And then he decided he wanted to be monogamous with OtherGirl, which would seem to imply that he still has feelings for me and felt that they might threaten his primary relationship. He failed at monogamy on our very first hangout after that declaration, though. And now OtherGirl is possibly out of the picture (I say “possibly” because he still has to go to her place and pick up his stuff and who knows if they’ll end up talking and reconciling) and I’m curious as hell to see what The Pedant will be like with me now that he doesn’t have the self-imposed ceiling on what he’s allowed to feel.

I think I need to have a talk with him when I see him, though. Like, telling him that I think I’ve come to terms with the personality quirks of his that fucked me up before, and as such I see him as having long term potential, for me – not in the sense that we’ll ever be picking out curtains together but in the sense that I hope our relationship can continue more-or-less as it is for a long time. An expression of commitment, as it were. With a codicil that I won’t accept being shunted rudely aside if he meets someone he does wanna pick out curtains with. Like I get that one of the risks of being poly is that someone else might come along who your partner likes more or wants to see more often, and I’m willing to adjust to that, but there’s a difference between someone gravitating toward that other person a bunch more because True Love, vs. them telling me eighty thousand times that they will be making a deliberate effort to put this other person ahead of me.

Oh, and a third thing happened, though not today – a day or two ago I found out that Mine finally has his driver’s license. So that’s one less impediment to him coming to see me, although there’s still his shitty unpredictable job getting in the way.


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3 responses to “Huh.

  1. I don’t think the Pendant is going to find what he wants since he is searching for a relationship type rather than just a person he likes. That is probably why it didn’t work out with his othergirl, because even though they both wanted the same relationship style, they weren’t compatible. But I think it takes life experience to learn that these constraints are too limiting and artificial, and he’s not quite there yet. He’s probably doomed to fail a few more times before he gets it.

    Reading about him made me realize a few things about people in my life. Thanks.

    • I’ve had a theory for a long time now that he has a certain idea in his head of what kind of woman he should be with (or maybe what kind of relationship he should have) and in some ways he’s discounting me because I don’t fit his ideal.

      Perhaps that’s why he’s never been able to tell me he loves me (except in our breakup email-chain, in which technically I said it and he responded with “the feelings are being reciprocated” :P) He’s not SUPPOSED to love someone like me. He’s supposed to love someone more socially competent/more snarky/more into certain kinds of music/more whatever.

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