Are mentally ill/non-neurotypical people more likely to be completely self-centred and obtuse, or it is just that most people are self-centred and obtuse and a lot of the people I know have mental issues so correlation looks like causation?
The Veteran’s been trying to break into showbiz lately and has been scouring casting calls. She forwarded one to me that sounded like I’d be good for it. I probably would, too, and it’s sweet that she thought of me. It really is. But the filming is happening in another city – like, airplane-far from where I live – over the course of a week.
There’s just no part of any of this that works with my particular anxiety (and gastrointestinal*) issues. The Veteran is being like “Oh come on just do it” to a point where it’s coming off as more pushy and dismissive than supportive. It’s like…this is not a Lifetime movie where I face my fears and realize that It’s Not So Terrible After All and everything’s awesome. When I’m in a big/crowded/loud place (like, say, an airport or maybe a filming location) everything goes all funhouse-mirror on me, nothing I’m looking at makes sense, and I have a full-on panic attack. Actually, I don’t even need a place to be big, crowded, or loud in order to skew my sense of geometry and geography – those things just make my headspace exponentially worse. But technically a place just has to be new to me. On many occasions I’ve walked into a place and mistaken a mirrored wall for just another part of a room. “Oh, that’s weird, The Bunny’s friend has two dining tables.” “The hairdresser motioned me to sit in a chair but did she mean that chair or the one next to it?”
Y’know who else confuses mirrors with more room? Budgies. When I’m anxious I get as stupid as a motherfucking budgie. This does not especially make me feel confident about travelling alone to a city I’ve never been to. I could get lost in the hotel. I’m not kidding. Last time I was in a hotel was with Mine last summer when he came to my city for a concert (it was our second date and I wasn’t ready to let him stay over yet). The hallway to his room was so ridiculously convoluted that once we were in his room I had no idea how to get back to the elevator. I needed him to walk me there the next day.
And The Veteran suffers from anxiety, too! …Although now that I think about it I don’t think it manifests itself in panic over new places. Still though. One might have hoped she’d be more empathetic.
But I just realized I don’t have any valid photo ID so nobody would let me get on a plane, anyway. Ha! Now I have an excuse not to look into this.
I wasn’t just asking “are people with mental issues extra likely to be egotistical, insensitive assholes” because of this particular situation, though. The idea has been on my mind for a while. I’ve just had a lot of incidents, with The Veteran and other people, where everything in the universe revolved around their problems and even if I was going through the exact same fucking things, they’d just gloss over it and keep being all but you don’t understaaaaaaand! I’m just such a special snowflake!!!!!! NOBODY CAN EVER COMPREHEND MY PAIIIIN!
For the record, I’m fairly sure I don’t do that. Yes, I see that it might look like I do, given that this post is mostly about how The Veteran doesn’t understand me. But in this case she actually doesn’t or she would not have suggested I look into that gig in the first place.
The phenomenon I’m talking about is, like…this kid who kept being extra-needy because anxiety and depression, and I tried my best to keep up with his high-maintenance-ness, but when I said I couldn’t write as often as he might want, because I too have anxiety and depression and being a good pen pal taxes my resources at the best of times (and that was not the best of times; I’d just broken up with Minx and was struggling financially), he gave no fucks at all. And in fact shortly after that conversation he helpfully sent me a link to a webpage about how to deal with someone who has anxiety, so that I’d understand him better. Because apparently I was the person not being understanding enough in that equation.
Or this incident with The Veteran late last year. A few days later she texted me an apology for freaking out like that; I said that I totally get why she was freaking out because I’m the exact same way (with the procrastination and the panic and the shame-spiral etc.), and I’m happy to offer her support if she’s upset in general, but that the yelling at me like it was my fault was just too much. And she responded with something like “Well I guess any time I’m panicking about something I’ll just have to hide it from now on and put up a ‘normal’ front for you since you clearly can’t handle my emotions.” And it’s like BITCH I LITERALLY JUST SAID THAT I UNDERSTAND AND SUPPORT YOU WTF.
Soooo yeah. Shit like that. Is it common?
* Because with my luck, comped meals means “sandwiches for everyone!” and I have celiac disease. And even if there is a big selection of different foods, a lot of the time stuff that doesn’t (or shouldn’t) contain any gluten fucks me up, anyway. I think I might have food sensitivities I haven’t figured out yet. So yeah, that’s all I need – to be trying to make a good impression and perform on camera while bloated and/or farting continuously and/or pukey and/or sluggish and falling asleep.