Braindump

Bunch of random thoughts to get off my chest:

A few guys of my acquaintance – partners or potential partners – have drifted recently (Mine, paypet, a guy I had a couple of good dates with) and in some ways I didn’t care. Like, with all of those guys I didn’t even notice their lessened contact at first (compare this with The Pedant, where I was practically making a spreadsheet of how often he texted and trying to analyze the patterns…). I wished the relationships would magically revert to how they were at the beginning, when the respective guys and I were smitten with each other and in touch constantly and there seemed to be a lot of potential there, but as things stood I felt kinda meh.

I want to know what this means. Was I mostly just smitten with the fact that they were smitten with me, and when that faded, so did my interest? Or did my interest fade first and they sensed it and drifted, too? Or did we both just happen to lose interest at about the same time? Is this whole thing a pattern with me lately or just a series of coincidences? If it’s a pattern, why it is happening?

…Oh. Well. This is darkly funny: since typing the previous paragraph I idly texted Mine to see how he’s been. We got to talking and when he asked if I have any new boys, I told him I’m feeling kind of cynical and desperate in a way that couldn’t possibly do any good in the dating game so I’m taking a break. He said he hoped that wasn’t because of him. I said he definitely didn’t make me cynical, but that losing him as a sub may have sharpened the edge on my need, giving me that desperate feeling. And then I started to cry my fucking brains out like someone had thrown a switch.

For the record, when I noted back in the day that Mine appeared to be drifting and I didn’t feel anything much about it, I considered that this might actually be my brain putting up a wall so I wouldn’t get hurt. But when he told me he couldn’t be my sub anymore, I didn’t cry. I kind of tried to, even, but I couldn’t. So I figured we must have drifted apart to a point where our breakup wasn’t that big a deal.

And since then I’ve been having sleep disturbances and other issues that point to me having feelings I’m ignoring (avoiding feeling my feelings is an ongoing problem of mine) and I’ve been periodically trying to meditate, to focus on my feelings without judgement, blah blah blah but nothing came to the surface. I even asked myself a bunch of times “Self, are you feeling sad about breaking up with Mine?” and nothing surfaced.

But now it has.

Sooooooo okay. I’m gonna say that with Mine, I was suppressing my feelings and that’s why I didn’t feel much of anything when I noticed he wasn’t texting me as often anymore. And I suppressed my feelings when we broke up, too, because feeling sad sucks and I didn’t wanna. Subsequent boys were essentially rebound flings and I quickly outgrew them (as I usually do with my rebounds), hence my blah-feelings there. But also? Paypet and whatever other boys I’ve been seeing have served to remind me that what Mine and I had is not actually that easy to find. For the past year or two I’ve been finding fun partners pretty easily, and I guess after Mine left I thought I’d keep on finding partners easily. And I have…but now that I’ve had the kind of partner I’ve dreamed of for years, I realize that just “fun” is maybe not enough anymore.

I mean basically every time some potential sub I’ve been seeing has disappointed me I thought “Mine would never have handled things that way.” Every time I had a date with a potential sub but he just didn’t give me that vibe of wanting to serve and make me happy, I thought longingly of Mine, who just had a way about him that invited me to take the reins. I feel like a dumbass for not consciously noticing how much I held Mine up as the benchmark of all that is good in a man. When I left my husband back in the day I went on a huge personal growth spree/self awareness extravaganza that included noticing all the various stages of getting over my ex and being ready to date. One of the red flags of Not Being Over the Ex was comparing all new prospects to him (whether positively or negatively). I gave myself a rule that after breaking up with someone, I wouldn’t go on any dates until I felt that I could do so without doing the comparing thing. Later on, when I was poly, it seemed like I wasn’t comparing people after a breakup so I decided maybe my previous Rebound Rules didn’t apply. But maybe it’s not that my breakup protocols changed after becoming poly – maybe it’s that I just didn’t date anyone who left that huge an impression on me.

At any rate, I’ve realized now that I wasn’t taking the breakup with Mine all that well after all; I was sad but squelching it down. My convo with Mine tonight totally broke the dam and now I’ve been intermittently sobbing for a couple of hours and will probably sleep better tonight than I have in a month. And it’s clear to me that it’s time to batten down the hatches and do my usual well-oiled post-breakup healing routine. More-or-less. I’m not gonna break it off with The Puppy or paypet (not just for the sake of being alone and sorting myself out, anyway; I might dump paypet for other reasons).

Well, I originally had a bunch of other stuff I wanted to write here but things took a turn and now I think I need to cry some more and go to sleep.

2 Comments

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2 responses to “Braindump

  1. Oona

    *all the hugs if wanted

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